Do you need a drink?
I really need a drink.
It's interesting--I am usually quite a messy person emotionally. I need to deal with things NOW. I need to talk about things NOW and know the answer NOW. I sort of disregard setting, time, and situation just to deal with things that are affecting me emotionally in the moment.
And this has been a very male moment for me. A sort of compartmentalization. When we woke up this morning, Josh wanted to talk about it more and I just felt sort of settled about the whole thing. Like it is a box currently on the table and I've not only decided not to open it for the moment, but I've also stacked a few magazines over it and yesterday's mail and it is quite obvious that I'm simply not dealing with it right now.
Maybe because I know the box is empty? What is the point in opening it?
I guess it is like this: when I was leaving Massachusetts, I overpacked the car and started back towards Maryland. I decided to stop off in Northampton even though it wasn't really on my way to grab a cup of juice at the Haymarket. It had been a really happy space for me in this really unhappy place and it was like grabbing an old sweater out of the donation box to try it on one last time before Goodwill came to pick up your clothes.
When I got into the Hay, the person who was the reason I was completing the rest of my graduate degree from Maryland instead of staying in Massachusetts was sitting in my coffee house. He saw me and I saw him and he gave me this completely self-satisfied look that made me want to (1) kick the pretentious book he was reading out of his hands and then (2) kick him in the face and then (3) as he held his face, knee him in the balls.
Or scratch all of his skin off. Either/or.
It was my choice to leave Massachusetts and it was my decision how I was choosing to react to him or see that moment. But by fuck--you have got to be kidding me--I couldn't believe he was going to be the last person I saw as I left town. I grabbed my orange juice and went back to my car and sat in it crying for a bit. I was kicking myself for stopping for the drink because if I had kept driving past Northampton, the last person I would have seen would have been my roommate. I kept waiting for someone to walk by that I knew so I could count them as the last person I saw leaving the state. Finally, I had to leave--I could not spend my whole day waiting in my overpacked car (and, knowing my luck, I would finally see someone and then he would walk out of the Haymarket ruining it yet again!).
As I pulled away, I finally saw someone I somewhat knew. She was this woman who worked in a candy shop. She was divorced and gave us relationship advice when we'd stop in to get candy before going to the Academy to see a movie. I really loved talking to her because she was very bitter and sometimes, you need to spend time with someone who is harsh and holds you to reality instead of allowing you to float away. I decided to count her as the last person I saw and I felt like I could finally leave Massachusetts in peace.
Had anything really changed in seeing her? Of course not. I was still leaving and everything that came before that point still remained. But I will always be eternally grateful for seeing the candy shop woman walking down the street as I left town. It simply flipped a switch in me and allowed me to see the door firmly shut instead of visualizing his boot-clad foot wedging open the door.
That is the best way I can describe last night. It was like seeing the candy shop woman.
I really do need a drink.
It has been a little under a month since we met, bitched, cried, comforted, and caught up each other on our cycles and lives. Pull up a seat and I'll pour you a drink. Let everyone know what is happening in your life. The good, the bad, the ugly. My only request is that if a story catches your eye, you follow it back to the person's blog and start reading their posts. Give some love, give some support, or laugh with someone until your drink comes out of your nose.
I have a ton of assvice in my back pocket and as a virtual bartender, I will give it to you unless you specifically tell me that this is simply a vent and you do not want to receive anything more than a hug.
So if you have been a lurker for a while (or if this is your first open bar as someone who found this space through IComLeavWe), sit down and tell us about yourself. Remember to provide a link or a way for people to continue reading your story (or if you don't have a blog--gasp!--you can always leave an email address if you're looking for advice or support. If not, people can leave messages for that person here in the comments section too). If you're a regular at the bar, I'll get out your engraved martini glass while you make yourself comfortable. And anyone new, welcome. I'm glad you found this virtual bar.
For those who have no clue what I'm talking about when I say that the bar is open, click here to catch up and then jump into the conversation back on this current post.
So have an imaginary cocktail and tell us what is up with your life.