By fuck, I talk a lot. I mean, everyone in my real life already knew that. But the evidence is in black and white when you log into Blogger and it tells you that you have 299 posts...
I started this blog at the very end of June--June 25th. 300 posts in a little under seven months.
Here is the story portion of this post--I go to this bookstore/coffeehouse a lot. It's an independently-owned bookstore and the advantage to an independently-owned bookstore is that the sellers actually know their stock and they get to know recurring customers. So I go in and they say something like, "oh, I remember how much you liked that Ishiguro book. This new book is similar--take a look at it." And it makes me feel special that someone gives a crap about what I read and takes the time to point out another book I might like. When I lived closer to this bookstore, I was there so frequently that they named a drink after me in the coffeehouse (the "Mel" was similar to a chocolate egg cream with seltzer, syrup, and a shot of half-and-half). And it feels good to step up to the counter and have someone nod and start your drink before you've even ordered.
I know this will sound strange, but my RE's office felt a little bit like that bookstore. Not to idealize the experience of having someone stick a transvaginal ultrasound wand in your hoohaa at 7 a.m., but I really love my clinic. Even in the beginning, I'd walk in and they'd immediately greet me by name (how could they not know me? I was there morning after morning for blood draws). The sonographer would ask me about our house-hunting situation. My RE would give me a pep talk every few months ("it's okay to be disappointed, Melissa. It's not okay to be discouraged."). I knew the names of almost every staff member--from the billing person to the receptionist to every blood technican. They served bagels and coffee on the weekends.
And I think that made all the difference for me. It was hard that it only existed in the early morning hours and all emotional venting had to take place during an appointment or a brief call to my nurse. But I always felt like they had my back. Like we were all in this crappy boat together and they were willing to pass along any information they had that could get me to the other side. Even though I am well-aware how much I lucked out with my RE, I still wanted more. I wished I could find the empathy and support that I had in my RE's office outside the building from other stirrup queens and sperm palace jesters. The vast majority of people who worked at my RE's clinic were not stirrup queens themselves. They were simply people who had been in the world for so long and heard the stories of so many women that they had grown the empathy vicariously.
I tried going to support groups, but when I could barely get my shit together to make dinner, I was hardly up for getting back in the car and driving out to speak to strangers face-to-face. I tried the bulletin boards, and they were helpful, but people dropped in and out so quickly that I never got a sense of anyone else's story. They were great about answering questions or offering some sympathy during a vent, but I rarely knew anyone else's story beyond where they were in their cycle or their current protocol.
Enter blogs.
I've spoken before about why I started this blog and why I will continue writing mine long after I've finished the book or finished building my family. But the other side is what this blog has become for me--a cozy space where everyone is welcome (as long as they're not making anyone else feel like crap--it's okay to disagree; it's not okay to be cruel). Where you can sit down after a crappy day and just cry. Where you can come running in and shout out good news ("no OHSS!") and everyone will cheer along with you. Where you can ask your questions or give your opinion or admit to your fears or examine how you really feel about infertility.
In other words, the freakin' infertile Cheers of the Blogosphere.
Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got.
Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows your name.
Those lyrics feel like they were made to describe my infertility experience. I just want to go where people get it. And maybe this speaks to your feelings too--to be in a place where you're not fighting upstream against sensational articles or have relatives telling you why you shouldn't adopt. Where people care if the anniversary of a loss is approaching. Where you can set your mind at ease by reading that thirty other people are thinking the same thing that you're thinking. At my bar, there is no pain olympics because "you wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same." We are all on this island and it doesn't matter if you've decided to forego fertility treatments and start immediately on the adoption path or if you're in the middle of your third IVF attempt. You are hurting. And I am hurting. And we are all on this island.
At least, that is how I hope people feel when they come here. It is, at the very least, how I feel as I write this and read comments. Because those comments connect me to your blogs and your experience. And a conversation is born. A conversation that is albeit sometimes meandering due to the logistics of the Internet. But a conversation nonetheless.
We can make life on this island easier for each other. Not necessarily "easy", but certainly easier. Being at a clinic where everyone knew my name and knew my personal story made things easier. Being with you guys and hearing that I'm not the only one beating myself up makes things easier. Hearing another person's point-of-view makes things easier. Knowing that I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me makes things easier.
I started this blog because it was what I wanted to find. A place that had information (Operation Heads Up or the Peer Infertility Counselors or the blogroll) but also brought people together (the book club or the creme de la creme) for discussion. A place that wasn't constantly changing and moving away from its original feel. Maybe it speaks more to my stick-in-the-muddiness, but I'm not a big fan of change. I like being able to go back to a place and have it "feel" the same. This is a place where no one has to feel alone or not welcome. Where you can feel like a regular from point one. At least for me, this spot has become my cozy place where there is a drink named for every stirrup queen or sperm palace jester in the Blogosphere.
So in the vein (no blood draw jokes intended) of Cheers, pull up a seat and I'll pour you a non-alcoholic, non-caffeinated drink (unless what you need right now is a shitload of alcohol--we have that too). And just let everyone at the bar know what is happening with you. I'd like to do this every 300 posts or so--just start an open thread where everyone can sit down, catch each other up on what's happening, ask a question, celebrate, start a vent, have a good cry. Consider the comments section on this post a seat around the bar. Sit down and start talking.
I'm pouring drinks--talk to me.
84 comments:
I'm pulling up a bar stool, but I will have to settle for a soda since my newest med bans alcohol for awhile. Seven more days and I can enjoy a glass of wine again, hooray!
Here's my main whine of the day. I'm tired. I want to hide under a down comforter and sleep forever. I want Winter to be over, right now! And I want to feel secure in either my job hunt or my fertility, I have neither at this point and I am sad.
I'm in the 2ww, so I'll also have an NA, how about a peach Italian soda?
I'm actually celebrating. I found out that I had a manuscript accepted with minor revisions today and experiments that have been extremely frustrating and inconclusive are finally starting to work. Finally, we lost electricity in the winter storm earlier this week and it came back on last night. While I feel completely at sea about my IF, other areas of life seem are behaving if only for today.
Let me tick it off for you in no particular order:
3 confirmed miscarriages
2 IVF/ICSIs
2 IUIs
2 dIUIs (currently starting #3)
1 very incredible 5 yr old son
10 years in June married to a very incredible man
Infertility fills me with rage, ineptness and lonliness. If it wasn't for the two people in my home and the hundreds on my computer, I would have surely lost my mind months ago.
Make mine a double.
i'm here. i'm here.
prolly no caffeine for me; i've had my one dose today and i'm already jittery and all over the map. i kind of want to sit quietly and listen. but i also want to pour it all out. i want to laugh and i need to cry.
i want to be the 'me' i was before all of this. the 'me' that could mostly stay positive and see the bright side. i want to talk about infertility all day and i never want to talk about it again. wierd how it's everywhere. i'm reading a mystery right now...as it happens, the main character telling the story is in his second marriage and they are struggling with infertilty. it's a sidestory but of course, to me, it's the story.
my new oprah magazine arrived (my guilty pleasure, courtesy sariel)...there's an excerpt from peggy orenstein's book "waiting for daisy: a tale of two continents, three religions, five infertility doctors, an oscar, an atomic bomb, a romantic night, and one woman's quest to become a mother". this book was written for and by all of us cozying up to this bar. i've only read the first page of the article and she's already telling my story. i want to weep with the relief of reading about all of us in this mainstream magazine.
i want to tell you about all my great plans for rediscovering 'me' while i'm on my medical leave.
but i think i'll just sit back, sip my chai latte made with soy milk, and bask in the glow of hanging with my friends who 'get it'. i love this place.
told you i was all over the map.
peace
shlomit
I'll take a virgin strawberry daiquiri. I'm in my 2ww and even though it would take a miracle for me to get knocked up on this cycle (unmedicated) I'm still full of hope. I know I will be crashing and burning soon.
We tried something new this cycle. Since I wasn't on meds, BigP got me all good and drunk on the day I got a positive OPK and we had lots of sex. It worked for a lot of girls in high school...
I also feel like the blogs are an extension of my home. The people here I hold more dear than most of my family. I am understood here - no matter what mood I am or how onery I am behaving.
I know this is a virgin drink, but...I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!
Um, I'll take champagne please. (I can now say that with a smile, instead of a curse!) Your blog has given us all a common place to gather, discuss, and draw strength from each other. How you find the time, is beyond me! Keep up the good work dear!
*Sitting down* A beer for me, please... am loving our ART break because I can drink whatever I want- whenever I want.
Today I'm celebrating the resurgence of hope as it relates to our infertility. I have a brand-new clean uterus, an unbelievably healthy red AF, and, after two years of BFNs, the hope that this time IVF might in fact work for us.
It's a little scary, actually, to have so much hope. Because if in March or April we get another BFN... it's gonna hurt pretty bad.
But in the meantime, I'm going to try and stay hopeful. Cause it's been a good long while since we've had some.
And I love you all too. If it weren't for my blogging friends, I'd probably be curled up, rocking in a corner somewhere.
Hi, my name is Stacie, I'm "IVF barbie" and I'll have the house red.
I feel this ongoing guilt that infertility was so EASY for me. No clomid, no IUI, right to IVF and one cycle gave us b/g twins.
Of course, I don't quite fit in in the fertile world. I mean. I laughed through my tears when the midwife asked what form of birth control I planned to use once I wasn't pregnant anymore. "How about NOT sticking giant needles in my ass; I think that's going to be my birth control of choice." She tried to do a spiel on how the hormones of pregnancy "cured" a lot of infertility, and I cut her off and pointed out that no hormone shifts on my part would do diddly for the MFI. And I would love more children. People say "Oh, you're done now" and I want to snap, "Yes, but not for the reason you think."
On the other hand, I don't really feel like I "rate" in the infertile world because my experience was, like I said, easy.
Damn, that wine is already hitting me.
Wow, the bar is busy and it's not even 5! I'm taking a seat on Shlomit's lap (which is something that, if walking into a bar IRL, I would actually do.) And I'll take an ameretto and diet coke. (Try it, it's good. A round on me for all those taking alcohol today, and plain cokes for the rest.)
It's so wonderful to be here and have a place to go after (and thank goodness during) the shitty and sometimes not so shitty days of this journey. I don't know what I would do without you guys. You are my sanity, information source, and my support. (Ya, I think I need another...)
Though I've been in a holding pattern the last few weeks, today we had an appointment with the urologist. Our IF is primarily attributed to my PCOS, but my husband's sperm is not fantastic, so we're trying to attack this from both ends. The biggest cause for concern is his being born with undescended testicles (which was corrected by surgery at age 7). Even though we may have "sufficient" sperm to do IUI or IVF, the urologist still wanted to be sure that everything is alright down there.
Today marked the day of role reversal for us as my husband climbed up on the exam table with his pants down and produced his privates for an ultrasound. It was interesting indeed being in the non-participants' chair during this exam, and amusing to hear the doctor refer to my husband's testicles as "nuts".
I guess I'll take another drink in celebration of everything being normal for my husband. A relief indeed.
(ok, that was a bit longer than I intended.)
Cheers to you Mel! I totally agree with all your reasons for starting the blog - that's why I started mine too!
I'll have an extra big glass of a big, bold Turley Zinfandel - my favorite wine in the world, and if all goes well in the next couple weeks I won't be getting any for a very long time!
My brief history & update:
We started out with male factor (DH had a vas reversal that didn't go so well) with very low counts, motility, etc., and after 4 fresh IVF cycles, with 1 miscarriage in the mix, and 1 failed FET - we have succomb to the egg quality diagnosis.
So we have moved on to donor eggs. But we are fortunate that I have a 25yr old sister (can you say accident?!) who was very willing to give me her eggs.
Retrieval is tomorrow!!
I have run the full roller coaster of emotions with this IF over the last few years. The second half of 2006 was the lowest. I really go depressed and just felt downright sad all the time. I felt that sense of being lost at sea and feeling tired that others describe.
But I'm on the upswing lately. This donor cycle has me feeling really positive. I feel like I have found myself again, and I am able to be happy like I used to be. Mr G and I both have been acting like we did before our first ever IVF cycle - total optimism that it will work, talking about what we'll do when the babies come, etc. Hopefully that's not naive like it was at IVF #1.
But I also agree with Serenity that this hope is a little scary sometimes. If (God forbid) this donor cycle doesn't work - the BFN is going to be the hardest ever. It's a bit easier when you're expecting the worst, but when you're high on hope it's a long hard fall.
I've learned a lot about this experience, a lot about loss and about myself and how I deal with things.
And cheers to all the rest of you! The internet and all your blogs is definitely helping to keep me sane!
First of all, thanks for visiting my fledgling little blog and offering up some words o' support! It's funny how much a few words can brighten my day.
I love, love, love the Cheers analogy -- especially the part about "our troubles are all the same". That is absolutely the best thing about the infertility abyss (if I can even say there is anything good) -- that there are all of these amazing people out there who Totally. F'ing. Get it. I could not do this without all of you anonymous stirrup queens, who daily show me that I am not alone in this...
My stats:
Stopped getting my period when I was 19. Went on BCP. Went off BCP at 23 (1997). Didn't get my period. Went back on BCP. Went off BCP 12/05. Say it with me now...didn't get my period! Because I wasn't ovulating! And no one is sure why! Grrr...
9/06 Clomid/timed BD cycle with OBGYN. BFN.
Went to RE 10/06.
Clomid/HCG/IUI #1 BFN
Clomid/no IUI #2 because the Clomid didn't make me ovulate that time.
Currently on: Clomid/Follistim/HCG/IUI/Prometrium cycle -- triggered today, IUI tomorrow.
As far as the drinks go, make mine a nice glass of sauvignon blanc & let's hope it's my last drink for 9 months!
I'll second the champagne request, Mel... it's pre-O for me so I'm drinkin'.
And confused. I think I left a comment a few months ago about not wanting a different diagnosis or problem every time I went back to the doctor... well the RE appointment today told me I have 6-8 antral follicles. (At least I think, I am not entirely sure if that's what he said because he also said my left ovary hides behind my uterus... wha??). We need to repeat my husband's SA, confirm with my PCP and the liver guy I am seeing that it's ok to take injectibles, and then I get a trial of Follistim or Menopur or something, to see if my 11.9 FSH back in August '05 is really an indication of something bad or if my 6.1 this month is the real deal.
Much more to sort out that I was hoping for, but unfortunately I can't say I'm surprised. :(
I'm glad you started your blog, though; I'm learning a lot.
Thanks for inviting me Mel. I definitely need a good red wine! I am having those days that I feel so disconnected form everybody else that once knew me and it is so good to come here and feel normal, welcome, understood. After 1 m/c , 2 clomid cycles, 3 cycles of prometrium, 2 years of TTC , no diagnosis and no baby I feel the pressure and the pity eyes over me.
I am under lot of pressure. I have one more week to decide where to go after graduation. I think Bethesda will be my next destination though. That means though that I am officially off TTC land until the end of this year. But I am excited to move to a place where I will better access to IF treatment due to much better ins. I hope I find my old self during this break time!
I am happy that my mentor liked the first chapters of my thesis, 3 down, 2 more to go!
Jackie, congrats on your paper, I know how it feels!
Cheers ladies!
Nice to meet you all
Ahhh...if this is a bar, then I'm a lush because I visit every day (at least once, often more). You can serve me something sweet and non-alcoholic, just because I'm not a drinker anyway (never have been, and when we were TTC everyone always thought that meant we were PG...unfortunately for me, it meant nothing.)
Mel, this blog is amazing- raw, eloquent, heartfelt, honest...all at the same time. I'll gladly hang out at your bar with all of these friends any day, because it's always nice to feel like you're in a place where you belong.
I love how this bar is so open to newbies like me. Thank you thank you thank you!
I'll have a sex on the beach, please. Sounds like more fun than the sex I've been having with the dildo cam.
Here I am in my first medicated cycle. We've been trying for over a year, got pregnant and miscarried (that was a bitch and I'm still bitter 6 months later). I have polycystic ovaries but not any of the insulin resistance or irregular hormones that usually go with it.
This cycle we're doing femara, an HCG trigger, and then progesterone suppositories. So much to look forward to... I wish I could say I think it'll work, but I'm too cynical now. I'm digging my heels in for the long haul.
My left ovary has 4 follicles and my right has 2. Does anybody know if that's good? Also, how thick should the lining of my uterus be on day 7 with Femara? And will it catch up if it's oh, say, 0.3 mm?
I love you guys...
I'm sad. Sad that we really don't have an IF bar-I mean, IRL. I want to be somewhere where I am loved and accepted-and not thought to be a bitch just because I am feeling extra sorry for myself because of another BFN. (0r in my case, having to wait ten years for my family...) It seems that at work, I either fake it like I'm CHIPPER! Or, I tell people how it really is, and they hate me for it. That's my rant. I just want to be accepted. Even on my bad days. Oh ya...I'll take a Vodka Red Bull...YUM!
I don't have much to add today, but I felt like dropping in for a red iced tea.
Thanks for doing the roundups, info pages, etc. I don't know how you find the time either, some days, but I'm glad you do.
Bea
I'm Allison.
I'll have a shot of tequila, please. The good stuff, aged smooth, good enough to sip. I'm hoping for a little drunk-n-dial so I can get past my mental block and call the RE for my first IVF consult.
I've got PCOS, complete with insulin resistance, weight gain, hair loss AND hair growth. It only took 13 years to diagnose. I've had a busy 15 months. There were the three cycles of clomid-with-sex with the Ob-Gyn. Then the referral to the RE. A cycle of clomid that was suppposed to just be clomid and sex until the SA came back low and we got switched to IUI until the HSG didn't work because of cervical stenosis. A lap and hysteroscopy later, and with much better sperm counts, we did two more clomid IUI's, then two IUI's with injects. Then, the flex spending account ran dry, so I'm waiting for the insurance year to restart in April to give IVF a try.
For the time being, I just am.
Sorry I'm late! I had a crazy day at work...My manager is about to take paternity leave to spend time with his wife and their upcoming first baby. Fun!
I'll have a decaf coffee since its so late and its freezing here. I'm so glad you let me join you! I read tons of blogs but haven't made the leap myself yet. Kinda scared to.
My quick story is we've been trying for two years as of the first of this month. I was one of the those annoying women who charted months before TTC and used OPKs even on our very first try. We spent a year with our RE before breaking up with him and in that time did 5 cycles of clomid (including one that was a chemical pg), 2 of femara, and one injectable -- all of those with IUI. We are unexplained though for a while my docs totallly blamed me and accused me of having 40 year old ovaries (even though I'm 33 and could pass for 25). So mean! LOL. The worst part of IF for us has been our siblings -- 3 have managed to have 4 kids in teh time we've been TTC and while we love the kids, it is like a knife in the back some days. We want some of their joy and sweetness and light in our own house.
Anyway, we are currently on a break while I lose just over 40 pounds before doing IVF. I'm down more than 10 with 30 to go. I've been going to the gym, and eating well, and cooking at home with hubby (five new recipes this week!). I've been going to the chiropractor to deal with neck pain and am getting ready to start accupunture at hub's request (damn stats got to him!). We have joined a mind body infertility class for couples which starts in March.
Lots of good things happening and I realized this week that I feel like the old me. I hope the old me can stay. I like her a LOT better than the crazy crying freak that lived in my house last year.
BTW, what happened to Manuela? I tried to check on her and its password only?
Well, now it's morning, so I'll take a latte, please. :o) sorry I missed the hang-out last night! Mel, this is a great idea. I have seen all of your names and read your comments, but having one place to read everyone's story is awesome.
I'm 34 and have been trying and waiting for baby since I was 21. Officially, I have PCOS. Unofficially, I have been sure since I was a teen that my reproductive issues were related to childhood abuse. So, my journey has been as much about the hard work of infertility and all that comes with it combined with feeling like I wouldn’t be well until I’d cleared out my emotional closet.
And you know what? I think I’m pretty much there. Even with the last 4 years of trying with lots of drugs and intervention, even with the ectopic and 2 miscarriages, NOW I feel ready in a new way. Now I think that I can get pregnant on my own. I’m ready.
In the past couple of weeks, I’ve also shifted in other areas of my life. Last night, I started classes towards a Master’s degree – something I have put off for years because I wanted to be a SAHM. So, even with working full time, expecting to be expecting, and a New Year’s resolution to come out of my isolation and spend time with friends, I am taking 2 evening classes.
This morning, I’m with Nicole, though... I want to go back to bed, snuggle in and sleep...
I'm so thankful for Mel, and for all of you who share your stories with so much honesty. It's really a gift.
Congrats on the 300th post! I thought I was posting a lot since March/April - you take the cake, lady!
I need non-alcohol, please (the lovely Lexapro/Xanex combo would not be good with a martini or such).
Thanks for being such a great repository for all of us - it has brought people together with a common plight, and it has been so nice to get to know people through their ramblings and rants and happiness. It is somewhere I can go where people truly understand.
Oh...a suggestion. I think you should make a pic for the Barren Bitch Brigade Book tours, like you have for the Infertility Book list. That way, us who chose to participate in the brigade can link it to our blogs. ;) sariel & shlomit s' comment on Peggy Orenstein's book "Waiting for Daisy: A tale of two continents, three religions, five infertility doctors, an oscar, an atomic bomb, a romantic night, and one woman's quest to become a mother" sounds like it could be a good one for a future book tour!
This post made me tear up, and I'm in desperate need of some booze. Anything you've got; I may as well just start an IV drip of alcohol.
I'm afraid our adoption match may fall through. Our potential birthmom hasn't contacted the agency again since signing with them mid Dec. I know that's not much time, but she's due in less than three weeks.
Truly, and I know I'll have to, but I don't know how I will get through it if she doesn't place. I'm at the place in this struggle where I can't stand the hurt and the fear and the intense rage.
Mel, you always know what I need before I do. Any liquor, as strong as it gets, but can you make it taste yummy? I don't like the burn.
Today I am 4 whole weeks into BC (and on my second pack, since the crap they had me on let me ovulate and then AF- or TC if you prefer- came an entire week early). Man was it a bitch trying to get them to switch, apparently they wanted me to spend 3 months "getting used to it." Ummm, hello, my cycle got completely screwed up and my endo was not happy. AF was 9 days long instead of my normal 4, and the cramps lasted for 7 days instead of 2. Not happening. As if a 12-18 month break wasn't hard enough to cope with, my dr (at least his nurse) is a jackass and not nearly proactive enough about my care. I spent 2 1/2 years knowing when I O, when AF is due, making a mental note of every symptom I did or didn't have, and now I get an arguement when I ask for a different pill? Dammit, I thought I had found a dr that stayed completely out of it, just let me do my own thing and blindly followed my orders (if he can't be good, he'd might as well be a good little bitch), but then his nurse had to step in and screw up our harmony.
But, awesome news: I had to find a new GP to look at some wonky bruise on my leg with a lump in it. Totally normal, ran blood tests just for fun and they all came back great. And, this new GP (we'll call him youngish-and-slighty-attractive YASA) actually studied with my old gyn (before-I-moved-to-this-crappy-town or BIMTTCT) and knows my GP from down there too (gonna call him Dr. Elvis, since they actually are related and there is a family resemblance). As I sat there in a little paper skirt waiting for him to prod the suspicious lump on my leg, we chatted about BIMTTCT and just went on and on about Dr. Elvis. It was like Cheers, just hearing Dr. Elvis' name made me feel like I belonged. And YASA ran all sorts of blood tests just to make me feel better instead of just blowing me off or waiting for me to demand them. And his nurse did nothing but talk him up while she was taking my blood pressure. I want to bake them cookies or something, because I am going to make appointments with YASA every chance I get, I love that place!
Hmmm, looks like the drink worked, once I got that little vent out I became the happy drunk I love to be. Thanks Mel!
I only recently found your blog and haven’t had time to fully digest all of it, but I love what I’ve seen so far! I am amazed at your fountain of knowledge (or sources of info), your openness, and that this is a place for everyone to share.
So on my way to the IF bar to order a Bloody Mary (that’s a morning drink right?), I feel like I have to confess that I’m not quite officially IF yet. (Brief history… freaky fertile, got pregnant on second month of trying, uncomplicated pregnancy, but complications in labor resulted in my daughters death and left me with a ‘hopefully’ functioning uterus.)
I’m now on month 11 of trying for baby number two. So far I’ve had one month of blood tests the suggest I’m not ovulating very well (whatever that means), and an HSG to double check that scar tissue from my delivery didn’t do anything crazy and interfere with my tubes (tubes were clear in the test).
A week from today I have an appointment with my OB to discuss starting Letrozole next month. I waffle, moment to moment, from being convinced that Letrozole will help me get pregnant easily, to being certain that I will not be pregnant… ever… again.
So even though I sort of have to use a fake ID to get into the IF bar, I do feel like you are my people.
Thanks for the invite Mel. I'll take a Reisling.
Where do I start? Been trying for baby number one for two years and four months. Never been pregnant. Heck, I only have proof of ovulating seven times within 2006. Think that I may actually ovulate this cycle (craziness), maybe relaxing is helping :).
When we started medicated cycles in last May, well, I was so HOPEFUL. All of the doctors told me, there is no reason to think I wouldn't be pregnant in a short time. I'm young (just turned 30) and my only problem is ovulating because of testosterone. Well, that is a big problem in my book. And after four failed medicated and sex cycles plus the death of my cousin, I was a puddle. So a break was necessary before the next step of medicated IUIs.
It was all you ladies and gents that helped me get thru it. Well, I should also give some props to my husband and the referal to the counselor. But all of those things have left me in a better place. Thank you!
And now, well I think I am closer to figuring out how to have hope without it destroying me. Afterall, that was the worst thing for me to truly believe that this could be it - a baby - only to have the BFN in my face month after month. Who am I kidding....I'm sure that I'll be balling my eyes out in the shower in a few weeks. But for now, I feel good. So, I'll take it.
Wow, I missed this post yesterday so I missed happy hour, but I'll start a little early today. Hey, Its 5 o'clock somewhere! I'll take a pomegranate margarita.
I've been in a funk lately. We found out right after Thanksgiving that what I feared for many years was real-my husband had zero sperm in his fisrt SA. He had cancer as a teenager, was told it may effect fertility, we started trying 2/05, saw an RE 2/06, put stuff on hold for my job, and started back up with diagnosis in November.
We're seeing a Urologist and last week he had a second SA with a urinalysis and bloodwork. We go back on Feb 2 to get the results and we start back with the RE on Feb. 7.
I feel like even though we're 2 years into things we are just at the beginning of our journey. I've kept a very positive attitude through it all, but I think it is beginning to take a toll on me. I can't imagine that anything the docs tell us next month will be positive-the options will just be choosing between the lesser of evils.
To add to the IF crap, I've been very dissatisfied with my job lately. But, on the bright side I was called in for an interview on next week for a job I've wanted for 2 years.I'm so excited and really hope I get it!
Thanks for being there for us, Mel! It's amazing how I feel so deeply connected to so many of you and have never met you. I can honestly say that blogging helps me get through.
Good to see it crowded in here. Usually I would have whatever's on tap, but today I'll have a Dr. Pepper. Which sounds lame, but this time around has a reason.
I'm understanding the origins of the pomegranate string right now. There isn't a word for how overjoyed I am right now that the little girl inside of me is thriving. I'm getting better at accepting that this time won't end in heartache, that good things can happen- to me. Most of the time I can't believe it's real. But I also feel the inevitable pregnancy guilt that comes along with it. For every milestone that I pass, I think of so many of my blog friends and acquaintances and those that I haven't discovered yet...and I know that there are so many that are struggling with the ugly beasts of infertility...and my heart aches.
So I'll have my Dr. Pepper (which is caffeinated because I'm such a rebel) and I'll raise my glass to all of you in this community. I stand behind you. I would certainly be lost without you. And Mel, thanks for posting 300 times. Here's to another 300. And another, and another.
Cheers.
Hey there -- Got your comment & I fixed my RSS feed settings so you should be able to add me to the blogroll. Thanks!
I'm in my 2ww for a IUI with injectibles cycle. Not feeling very hopeful as I am not experiencing any kind of physical symptoms. I have one miscarriage and one failed IVF cycle under my belt.
Also in the process of adopting from China. Looking forward to a referral (fingers crossed) in 4-5 months.
Thanks for having this blog!
*pulling up a bar stool*, Mel make mine a virgin pina colada - I am in the 2WW and promised hubby no drinking.
I'm a new to blogging, so I'm glad to find your bar!
My story... I am in the 2WW for my 4th round of trying - this round is Follestim inj and IUI. I only had 2 eggs on one side, so the outlook isn't too great. I'm very frustrated...
These 4 rounds have taken over 15 months because I have PCOS with Thyroid problems and Insulin Resistance. I get about 1 cycle every 3 months, or so. I get cysts after "trying" cycles (no pun intended) and have to go on BCP for a month to let my ovaries "rest". We've had 2 miscarriages along the way.
Before I started my blog I was unaware that the IF community was available to me in a format other than chat rooms (not my thing really). So, I was dealing with all of these fears, feelings and dissappointments on my own. I was just about to my wit's end when I found you guys.
I am soooo greatful to all of you for sharing your stories. You have proven to me that I am really not alone, yes - it can get worse and sometimes does, and a good number of people really do make it through this thing with a baby to show for it. Most importantly, no one here is gonna judge me harshly if I never make it - they will understand how truly hard I have tried.
You all give me hope...
Well, I'm not a drinker, even when I'm not cycling, so... I'll have a diet caffeine-free Dr. Pepper.
I'm 30, husband 32. TTC for 2 years and some change now - went straight to Dr. after exactly 12 mo. of trying on our own. Quickly diagnosed with severe male factor infertility. (Nothing obviously wrong with me.) Moved right along to the local RE.
Two failed fresh IVF/ICSI cycles with an additional surprise - not a lot of eggs for a 30 yr old - put one embryo in the freezer on cycle #1 - and currently close to the end of stims in our third IVF... still hopeful but not terribly optimistic.
Thanks for your blog. It is definitely a meeting place for many IF and family-related topics, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for it. Like others, I'm impressed and amazed that you can keep up with it.
I'll have a decaf cinnamon latte, please. With extra whipped cream!
After 2 RES, 8 months and 7 IUIs with Clomid and Metformin and umpteen vials of blood drawn, I'm finally pregnant with #2. We thought after the first pregnancy success that we had my reproductive system figured out. Obviously not. I'm happy to be where I am and I cherish this pregnancy for however long it lasts, but I will always define myself as IF.
I won't ever forget the years of physical and emotional torment I went through to get where I am. I will always feel a little bitter when one of the easy breeders claims that hubby just breathed on her and she was pregnant. I will always appreciate the love and support I've received from so many of you in the IF world.
I will always appreciate sites like this one that gave me the encouragement I needed and helped me realize that I am not alone.
I can't thank you enough for your support, Mel! I so appreciate the comment on my blog. The support of you women is my main crutch right now; nobody else GETS it! :)
I'm back for another drink today - this time I'm looking for a good margarita. On the rocks, with salt, please.
So today's not such a good day... I'm bleeding again. I had AF last week. But again today - red blood. A lot of it. Which makes it 2 full weeks I've been bleeding since my septum resection. *sigh*
Dr. HIT called me back and told me that it's probably just "the healing process" as a result of my surgery. And if it didn't stop in the next week, he'll want me to go back on birth control.
But I have to tell you, it's VERY disconcerting to see that much red blood on a pad each day, given I had 20 years of periods that were almost black.
Anyway. Thanks again for giving me a place to vent! I'm feeling a LOT better right now. :)
Someone needs to take over pouring for a minute. I'm on my 15-minute break and I'm going to sit down and have a mojito. I've never actually had a mojito, but since it makes everyone dance so mechanically in that commercial, I have to assume that it is a potent little drink. And we're not trying this month.
The first time around, we made the decision to spare no expense and spare no path. We were going to become parents, damnit, regardless of what it took. I was literally willing to do anything if it brought me to parenthood.
But this time around, it feels like I'm walking a minefield. And I'm holding my breath whenever I move my foot. How strange is that? Where is the old Melissa? The one who was willing to try anything? I have all the same desires at the same intensity without the same drive.
Flutter was talking today about learning relaxation. And I think I need to go back to learning how to relax and do more. Get into a better head space. Stop feeling tired before any hope needs to be lost. What does that gain me? But also, how do I stop it? Domar was really helpful--but maybe these exercises require continual practice. They're not relaxing me anymore. And since I can't have Josh follow me around 24/7, rubbing my shoulders, I should probably get more proactive with this one.
I need a relaxation exercise that I can do while I multitask and do something else :-)
I love you guys. This place and your blogs are like that bookstore for me. I can go in, see who's around, vent, ask questions, comfort, laugh. Have an imaginary drink (which has fewer calories than real drinks). As many have said already, without you guys, I would be in the corner, crying. Thank you for taking me out of the corner--it gives me more strength for the rest of the day in the real world.
Okay, my 15-minutes are up. I'm getting back to pouring...
Heya, Mel. I need a cup of seriuos java this morning. Make it a leaded one, I'm that tired. Sorry about showing up in my pajamas. Flicka did it, so I figured I could too. Does this bar serve chocolate too? (I know, it's early, but I'm sick and grumpy!) Just felt like popping over here.
It's chilly (for Arizona) and supposed to rain today so I think I'll start the morning with a hot chocolate. Would love a shot of Malibu Rum in it, but I'm on my way to work and won't know until later today if I am officially still pg.
I have been having a m/c since the beginning of December (etopic they are pretty sure) and hopefully my hcg is finally down to zero after yesterday's bloodwork. This was m/c #4 for us. This one was our first after DE cycle. Two of the others were after IVF and the 1st after IUI. What has been getting me through this m/c was knowing we had 6 good frozen embies. But of course not, I got a call from the RE and they discovered our donor has a rare genetic condition (probably what caused my m/c) and we have to destroy all embies. So, now we are back where we were exactly a year ago looking for a new donor.
I think we are now our RE's personal challange. He offered to do another DE cycle waiving all of his costs for us. But, the egg donor people are not being as generous. They only want to credit us $250! And then I have my mom (who means well) asking me if "someone" is trying to tell me something. I want to shout "No! I am meant to be a mom, it just wasn't the right time for some reason." Everyone tells me how strong I am (we have been at this for 7 1/2 years) and how determined, but really I am faking. I just know if I gave in to my true emotions I would be a hysterical mess and never be able to function long enough to have a baby. I WILL be a mom, I WILL be damnit!
Thanks for the drink and just being around to listen. Sometimes it gets pretty lonely in my world.
Mel, I'll take a hot chocolate with whipped cream, thanks! And thank you so much for your blog and all of your insight and information. I'm Carla, and I usually hang out at Babycenter with Dianne (Flutter) and Melissa and some other gals. Been ttc for just over 2 years, so far we have unexplained IF. First IUI will be next month. I especially love blogland because I have no family or friends who have experienced IF. I seem to be surrounded by uber-fertiles. And since I will be 36 pretty soon, they have all taken it upon themselves to remind me that we had better hurry up, tick-tock, tick tock, what are we waiting for?? Grrr. My latest response is to tell them that I think life is tough enough without somebody kicking you from the inside. Then I go home and cry and think about what all I would give to have a healthy baby kicking me from the inside.
If you don’t mind, I’ll order a drink and then sit in the back and listen. I am relatively new to the IF field, with the diagnosis of unexplained secondary IF on my charts since June 2006 (TTC for baby #2 for 16 months). I am in a holding pattern right now, waiting for my first period after a m/c, with a subsequent D&C at 10 weeks. It has been seven weeks now, and I don’t think I have ever waited for my period with such anticipation. So I will keep drinking until it shows up. Then, we head to the RE to decide what’s next. For now, I will sit in the back and listen to your stories, knowing that I am not alone and also realizing that the road ahead may be a long one. Thanks for inviting me.
Mary--wanted to write you back, but you didn't have a link to a blog or email.
I am so sorry about this miscarriage (and all the other ones) and if you want to come back later for a shot of some imaginary alcohol, the bar is always open.
You will be a mother because you have that determination in you. I think it's the same mothering instinct that turns you into a mother bear when you see your child in danger--your child isn't here yet and you are doing everything in your power to either bring that child into the world or locate him/her if s/he is already born and needing a mother. And if that instinct works to protect a child already in your sight, think about how much more powerful it can be as it is building and building over the years (7 1/2!) as you try to mother your not-yet child.
Here's to everything falling into place soon.
Carla--why do you think I pried that damn clock off the wall :-) Look around this bar--no reminders of time because what is more annoying than people reminding you that time is passing? I'm sorry. Good luck with the IUI next month. Keep us updated.
Kate--feel free to sit around as long as you like (no one has to buy anything at my bar in order to stay), but talk whenever you're ready. Secondary IF sucks. No matter what else anyone tells you. I'm so sorry about your loss and I hope your period comes soon.
Thanks for the invitation Mel! I'll take a Bacardi and 7 please, seeing as I'm on a TTC break until March or April after two and a half years of trying.
Long story short: hubby had a vasectomy during his first marriage. Now he's with me, and the reversal failed. A second reversal isn't possible. Tried IUI (about 20 IUIs actually) with sperm extraction and got 2 chemicals; likely due to sperm quality. Blech. I had surgery to remove a horrid cyst. More blech. Our path now leads us to donor sperm to help us achieve our goals.
I'm grateful for the community and the friends I've made. I have hope for so many of us and I have lots of faith left.
But with all the ups and downs that this crazy life brings, you can be darn sure that yeah, it's nice to go "where everybody knows your name."
Cheers folks! *raises her glass* Together we will survive.
I'm back! Can you throw some vodka at me this time? Absolutely not IF related, but DH had some issues last night trying to change the brakes on my car (something about a brake piston), so it will require more parts and money than we had planned on. The IUI fund gets drained before it even gets started! But he is starting his quit-smoking medication today, so health is on it's way to our house. Maybe that will regulate his little spermies (SAs are all over the place, but much improved after I stopped letting him eat junk all the time). One small step for DH, one giant leap for our fertility! Hehehe, the vodka's kicking in, I'm saying stupid things but thinking I'm witty.
Hey, everybody, I'm really buzzed at 11:30am, so Next Round On Me! Here, Mel, take my credit card, spoil everybody till you hit the limit!
I am sorry I'm late (running , sitting down and hastily ordering a nice white wine)
I am 7dpiui, our 3rd and last Clomid IUI , if this didn't work we are moving to IVF. I only have one tube, so instead of stimming me with injectables only to have my Right ovary make the better eggs and cycle cancelled, if I am going to stimulate with needles anyway might as well "go for broke" literally.
I have been researching some clinics in NJ (even though we live in PA) and getting ready to look into a Capital One Fertility Loan. While remaining hopeful that this IUI just might have worked.
I don't have any symptoms, at least none I can't blame on the progesterone in my body. I am just praying, every second, for this to be IT.
I love this place to come and catch up with all of you.
Hey - ar eyou guys still open? Did I miss last call? Good.
How are ya. I'll have a dirty Ketel one vodka martini, straight up. Instead of olives, please put a couple cocktail onions in there. Those things are so damn good.
I probably shouldn't drink, I'm trying to get my wife pregnant. But just this one. You see, my wife is such a stress case about this whole IF thing that I need these little beauties just to COPE.
Any other guys in here? I need more guy friends. I lost all of mine, because they got their wives pregnant multiple times so my wife made me stop hanging out with them, said they were "evil fertiles". (sip) Did I mention she's a stress case?
Always the last one at the party, sigh.. is anyone still lurking about at the bar? If so, I could go for a vanilla stoli and ginger ale. Couldn't care less if it was the two week wait, don't even know if it is.
Here is a short list of woes which will lead to my main whine:
~ After 8 unsuccessful months of ttc#2, come to find out the culprit is a fibroid that has become a squatter inside my uterus.
~ Have two surgeries to remove said fibroid. Umm, first surgery was a "success", so much so that after the post-op recovery, drs. find out that they only removed half of it. Ends up that abdominal surgery is the way to go (which pretty much translates to the first surgery being a waste.. if they had done the ab. surgery first, it would have been removed in its freaking entirety. ).
~ Three clomid/IUI's.
~ Injectibles/IUI. We are pregnant.
And now my major whine:
~ I miscarry close to 8 weeks. For no apparent reason at all. Charming. My betas are still "high" and dropping at a snails pace (33, 19..). DH and I- the rebels that we are- choose to forge ahead and try to reproduce naturally.
I am still bitter and negative (oh wait, that is how I am to begin with), which in turn turns to guilt when I look at our almost 3 year old daughter (who ironically was conceived naturally on our third month of ttc #1).
I could go on-perhaps about the friend who also went through IF troubles, but when she finally gave birth to #2 has apparently forgotten her IF experience and chooses to make my life miserable with how wonderful her life is, her children, how remarkably easy it is to breastfeed, lug two toddlers around and so forth, without ever even acknowledging my miscarriage- but I won't rattle on..
Give me my drink, a large bowl of M&M's and a Caphalon frying pan to hit friend upside the head and all will be good.
Sami--M & Ms and the vanilla stoli are on the house. Calphalon frying pan? Um... Well, we can't be an accessory to a crime...
I am so sorry for your loss. And for the fact that your friend has forgotten what it feels like to be on the other side of the river. Maybe take the next few weeks as a vacation from said friend? Hang out in here. We don't allow people to hit others with Calphalon frying pans, but we have a shitload of alcohol :-)
No calories, no cost, plus the excellent company - you can't beat this bar! I'll take a glass of chardonnay, please.
My story (abridged version)
We've been trying to conceive for 29 months. RE wanted to start treatment last March but husband and I weren't ready, emotionally or financially. Got pregnant in September (on our own) and started bleeding less than a week after our positive HPT. Beta came back negative. The thrill of that positive test lasted a long time but now I just feel so tired of infertility. My patience and grace under fire is certainly wearing thin.
We're currently 4 days into a Clomid + IUI cycle. My main emotion right now is fear that this too will fail and anger that infertility has taken the fun, excitement and innocent hopefulness out of conceiving a baby.
Thanks for opening your bar to us, Mel. (BTW, I'm also a Melissa that sometimes go by Mel!) Appreciate the wine but mostly, appreciate the community you've opened here.
It's so nice to hear other people express the exact feelings I'm having during this terrible process. I'm 31, same as DH, and we've been trying almost 2 years. Five unsuccessful IUIs, and one IVF that didn't even make it to retrieval. Cancelled due to poor response to the meds. I'm wondering if this will ever work? I used to feel stronger, but the medications are making me feel tired. I want my body back. I want to smile again, and feel happy. Oh, I'll have a caramel apple martini please. Thanks for the shoulder.
Anonymous--you're definitely not alone (and here is the caramel apple martini you ordered). There is a huge sea of other men and women all on this journey with you. Hope you join us at the next open bar. We usually all get together mid-month and catch each other up on what is happening.
I'll pull up a stool, too, and order a cosmo, thanks. I'm relatively new to my IF treatments and I feel scared and sad and lonely and I hate it. I'm afraid to want a baby as badly as I do, deep down, because I'm afraid it won't happen. And why want what you can't have? I have a wonderful husband who would make such an incredible dad. I can't stand the idea that I would be the reason why he can't be a father. My beautiful niece and awesome nephews would love a cousin or two and my sister would be such a good aunt. My parents are such loving grandparents. My husband's family? They reproduce at the speed of light. And here I am-broken. And sad. And angry. And scared. I hate feeling out of control and yet there's nothing I can do about this but follow doctor's orders. Thanks for listening and for providing a safe place to share.
Ally--I wish you had left a link to your blog or an email address if you don't have one. Hopefully, you'll check back and get this message.
Though you may feel alone, you are definitely not alone. It's scary to want something so badly. And I'm sorry you're feeling out of control. I'm glad you drew up a seat and shared your story. I'm here if you want to vent: thetowncriers@gmail.com
I would love a glass of wine or an ice cold coke but for now I'll just enjoy the company. I've only been blogging for a month but it has been an amazing source of support. In a nutshell I am: 2yrs10months trying, 1misc., 2 d&cs, lots of clomid, lots of hcg, progesterone, 3 IUIs, Bravelle, more progesterone.
I'm in the 2ww right now and totally losing my mind!!! I may need you to pour me a stiff one in a week.
I'll have a dry bombay martini straight up with olives. and keep them coming please!
I just got "the call" from my RE. IVF #2 was a bfn. I am devastated. my sweet, sweet husband will be crushed. I am trying to figure out how to tell him. I feel so responsible for this failed cycle.
I'm heartbroken.
*cushy bar stool with a high back so I can lean back*
I will have a Mike's Hard Berry.. mmm... tasty!
Diagnosis: RPL (5 m/c's), PCOS, Factor V. Waiting for more b/w to come back.
I found out that I ovulated all on my own, major accomplishment since I have only ovulated on my own 3x's in the past two years. Thank God I got a negative beta and AF showed yesterday... whew! I couldn't hadle another m/c. I was freaking out when the dr told me my progesterone was a 20- which is another miricale.
Put up the post about my 2nd opinion a couple of days ago finally...
*Can I get a napkin?*
A good friend is being induced in Aug and my sister is due in Nov. I feel like I keep letting my bitterness out when I am around them. Then the guilt somes rolling in immediately for me... this isn't fun for anyone. They know what I have gone through. I guess in the end I just wish it were me.
Hell YES. I'd kill for a drink. Please say that you'll still pour me one, even if I admit that I'm in that naughty luteal phase??? Trust me, I'm highly unlikely to be gestating right now.
Thank you.
I am, officially, in my *last* Clomid one-to-two week wait (depending on what happens) and then we're packing up our bat and ball and going to IVF. Where I get the pleasure of needles, needles (all stolen from work, of course), scans and finally some lovely propofol so I don't see the great big needle that violates my ovaries via my vagina. Good thing, that.
Apparently, it can even lead to babies occasionally. Even if it does take some sperm-head-smashing-ICSI. Sex? *So* last year, darlings....
I would love a drink right now.
I have had 3 miscarriages in 2years, and the RE's feel I have unexplained infertility.
So now I am 9.5 weeks with my 4th pregnancy and scared out of my mind. I go to my first OB appt. tomorrow.
I could really use some liquid courage about now.
I'm having a glass of red as I read everyone's stories and I wonder what lies ahead in my own.
I was diagnosed PCOS at 19 and put on BCP. Married for 2 1/2 years, turning 27 this month and having major baby lust. Friends, family, coworkers... everyone is pregnant or just had a beautiful, healthy baby.
I know I would be jealous of all the big, luscious pg bellies I see every day regardless, but it is so much harder when you just can't pretend it will be easy.
We both want a baby, but we have all of the fears of anyone facing parenthood - the worries, the anxieties, the fear of bringing a life into this not-so-nice world... and then you add the potential heartache of trying and losing a baby... (b/c for us, that's what it would be - no matter what stage) It just seems insurmountable.
How do we know if we are ready? Are you ever ready?
Went to the Gyn a few weeks ago, and her response was, "put you on Clomid and you'll be pregnant in no time". Am I crazy for wanting to take it slower? For wanting to "see what happens"? I suggested trying Metformin and going off the pill to see what my cycle does and trying/charting for a few months. She looked at me like I had three heads.
I want to ease into this TTC thing - I'm not sure I can go from 0 to full speed just like that. Maybe I don't have a choice...
Its so nice to read the blog and everyone's comments - I appreciate knowing there are other women out there dealing with the same issues. Sorry for the length- I've never told anyone most of this. It feels good.
Can I have a decent gin and tonic please?
Mhmmmmmmm. Nice.
That kind of tipple is jeeeuuuust the thing a nearly-doctor needs to calm her frayed nerves with as she girds her loins (literally) for IVF.
Please excuse this oh-so-discreet nasal spray I have to tote around, won't you? It puts me into screaming premature menopause so's that the sharp things I also have can whip my ovaries into an eggy frenzy.
Yummy.
who would've thought I'be be doing this on the dates that my first baby should have been born? Fatal birth defects blow.
ANother drink puleeehhhssseweeee?
Hi,yall, I just got home from my 1st visit with the social worker for our adoption home study. Having a cheeky white wine of the riesling variety. I felt a little nervous, especially when she asked me about my infertility and subsequent therapy. She also asked why do you want to adopt? Mmmm, should I have said...
a) I need a built in housekeeper
b) Cause kidnapping is illegal
c) I hate travelling and spending money on manicures and pedicures.
or
d) I want to raise a productive, well adjusted person to be happy in this world.
Which one would you choose?
How about a ginger ale and lots of cherries for me?
I am on a 2WW now after having FET yesterday. We had 2 "kidsicles" in cryo for a couple of years. The RE said that one looked "pretty good" and the other one, well, not so much. I know that the success rate for FET isn't as high as a fresh cycle, but the waiting game is still hard.
My story:
Married at 30
TTC starting on wedding night! :)
2 years trying on our own
1 M/C (8 weeks)
2 years with RE
DH: testicular biopsy and PESA
2 failed cycles IVF / 1 chemical pregnancy
1 successful IVF -- beautiful, healthy, and smart daughter (almost 2)
Yes, we are fortunate. Beyond words. But I must say that I have just as much longing for a second child as I did for the first.
I am not sure if we'll do IVF again if this cycle fails. The emotional and physical upheaval is almost too much. That said, the end result is so worth it when it happens. I guess I feel like I've already hit the jackpot.
We're already approved for an international adoption (we wanted to adopt before we knew we had IF issues), so I think that's our next step.
For everyone stuck in IF hell: It's beyond difficult, I know. Hopefully this site will help you through it. Maybe you're fortunate enough to have a friend or family member who understands what you're going through. Mostly, though, it comes down to you and your partner.
I wish everyone well. This coming from someone who truly knows where you have been.
--Mollie
I wore a new sweater set today. It has an empire waist and I realized after I put it on and went to work that it could "pass" as maternity wear. I smiled and thought maybe I could use it "when the time comes."
Came home from work and my neighbor asks "are you expecting?" I say no and brush it off. Came inside and cry into my pillow for half an hour.
Glad to be here.
My sister rang me and told me she was pregnant yesterday. She said it was hard to say it. Hard for you sister! Try hearing it.
Was on way to movies with dh, I cried all the way through and it wasn't even sad.I wasn't even looking at the screen. It couldn't hold me. Don't even remember what it was called.
Then I cried into my pho. I am far too used to crying in restaurants. I should give that habit up.
Pour me a stiff gin. - I need to replenish my tear supply.
A dirty great big drink of whatever you've got going there, Mel.
I could use it,
xx
J
I could use a drink, but it's only 9 am.
Can I get a Pomegranate Martini? Oh yes, you have to make it the GOOD way too:
1 cup pomegranate juice
2 oz. Absolute Pears
1 oz. Kettle One
Cup of ice
Squeeze of lime
If you've had too much assvice or a particularly bad BFN cycle you can double the liquor quantities and the pomegranate juice is strong enough to make the drink still palatable. Gotta love that.
Cheers to Mel and all you other good ladies. I would like a frothy margarita on the rocks please.
I have secondary IF due to MF. We have been trying for two years now. My husband was on Clomid (he gained weight and got headaches), I was on Clomid (I later found out I wasn't ovulating because of hypothryoidism) and one IUI cycle. I think we are headed into using a donor. I wish people would understand like you all do that it's okay to have our feelings. And that it's okay to listen and say, "Hey,I'm here for you." Please don't make me feel bad for having a child already. Mel is right. Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Here's to us, ladies, the strongest bunch of people I know!!!
I'll have a whisky sour. Can I have a double?
After 2 years on our own, blood tests, HSG, biopsy, exams and one cycle of clomid, we were pregnant in July. I actually felt guilty that it happened so quickly.
Fast forward to week 25. Sudden pre-eclampsia. I had to have the baby delivered or I would die. I was thankful that they didn't give me the choice...
I'll paste the email we sent out - I'm to tired, to heartbroken, to lost and to bereft to try and explain.
With great joy and heartbreak, we wish to announce: at 1026 PM on December 10, 2007, Gabriel Anton Salava was born into the hands of Cathy, his midwife, sang to in the arms of his mother, rocked in the arms of his father, bathed in the arms of his grandmother, and baptized in the arms of Regula, his Parish Priest.
At just after 11 PM, he was carried to Heaven in the arms of the Angels, where we will meet him again one day.
At 520 grams (1 pound 2.4 ounces), and 33 cm (13 inches) he was wee, with 10 fingers and toes, and a full head of hair. He was a perfect, but very tiny baby.
Cheryl is doing better, and will make a complete recovery, but will likely be off work for a few weeks. We hope that she will be home soon, but there is a need to stabilize her blood pressure first.
I am pre O so I will have a drink. Cosmo for me please! I think I am most upset that I am considered infertile just because DP and I don't have any sperm. Of course we don't, we are lesbians, that's kinda the point. But still. Or perhaps I am more upset because i should be 23 weeks pregnant now. But I am drinking a cosmo. Because my baby was dead for 3 weeks before I even knew anything was wrong. Yep, that's what I'm most upset about. Cheers. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.
I will have water. Not because I want it or something exciting is going on, but because it is the only damn thing I can drink on this healthy eating for fertility thing I am doing.
So my history:
Started trying 18 months ago, immediately with temp monitoring, since I have ridiculously long cycles and no clue when I ovulate
Did two cycles of Clomid
Got pregnant and had an ultrasound at 8 weeks that dated my pregnancy to 7 weeks. I knew something was up. My doctor thought everything was fine.
Damn it, I was right. I had a miscarriage last Christmas.
Did another 5 rounds of clomid with no results.
Had an HSG-- worse pain of my life except for my miscarriage. Confirmed that I have the world's most sensitive cervix.
All tests look normal. I have been diagnosed with PCOS in the past though.
So we start the three rounds of insurance approved medicated IUIs. The first two don't work. I find out the second one didn't work on Christmas Eve. (I am starting to hate Christmas.)
So we have one shot left. We can't afford IVF and insurance won't cover it.
We are currently taking a cycle off. I am trying to do the Harvard Fertility Diet and working out. I also started yoga and acupuncture.
It is day 23 and I still haven't ovulated.
I work with children every day and my job is starting to break my heart. I can't leave for many reasons-- insurance, flexible hours for treatments, etc.
I hate that anyone ever has to experience this. Thank God for blogs like this that make us feel less alone.
A year ago I said "I could really use a drink and it's only 9:30 am."
Hmmm . . . not much has changed here but it is currently 3:30 pm.
Sigh.
What a nice bar you have! May I have a 'Faith' cocktail? I have no idea what would be in it because I don't get faith. But I've heard it is really helpful so I'll have one of those.
I just had an egg retrieval yesterday. Last ultrasound showed 14 eggs in all. They got only 7. And only one was mature. It didn't fertilize properly and the embryologist told me not to count on it.
While the fat lady hasn't sung yet, I hear her warming up in her dressing room. Do you know her? Well if you do, don't tell her this but I've never really liked her singing.
I am sick of talking about my problems, how is everyone else? Anyone else enjoying a Faith cocktail?
I'm waiting for tomorrow and my salpingectomy. Let's hope there are no complications. (I have bilateral hydros + endo + high fsh = poor responder with toxic pelvis.)
My DH has not quite wrapped his head around the fact that those hydros in my tubes make them absolutely useless - sterile with or without the tubes. I will never get pregnant without IVF - and leaving hydros gets success rates into the abysmal range. So, keeping them puts me into the negative statistical territory. (The doctor keeps reminding me that IVF is successful in some women with hydros - I usually just give him "the look.")
Oh, this is in prep for my 3rd IVF. My history:
-- 3 years trying to get OB/GYN to take my concerns seriously
-- See first RE - disaster - diagnosis high FSH without considering other factors (like medication that automatically makes test invalid!)
-- See second RE and do 3 months of Femara. No pregnancy.
-- Second RE does exploratory lap and finds hydros but leaves them because no consent was signed prior since we were looking for endo not found.
-- First IVF w/ second RE. Oversuppressed(?), extra long stim, get two bad eggs fertilized and stop growing before transfer. Oh, and got two endometriomas. Yep, endometriosis is in my reproductive tract.
-- Find study and do 2nd IVF, get 6 eggs, 4 fertilized with ICSI, 2 Gorgeous, 2 Beautiful (remind me of textbook pics). Transfer to a neg. first beta.
-- Now prepping for 3rd IVF by removing hydros in hopes the fluid won't kill the embryos.
This is getting long...
Well, Tomorrow, Friday 18th, I am in surgery. Doc plans on keeping me at least 23 hours due to my history. What fun! (Not. Though demerol does feel like a warm blanket inside the ovaries.)
Pax,
MLO
Nice bar! Set me up with a beer, won't ya? Hopefully, this will be my last for a while.
Once AF arrives, which she inevitably will, we will be starting our first round of IVF. I'm 31, and have high fsh and old, small ovaries. Here's hoping they can still squeeze out a few healthy eggs to fertilize!
Reading blogs like these have helped to keep me sane. I've started my own, but it is frequently neglected and sadly, not as witty as many of the ones I read on a regular basis. I'm assuming the wittiness will hit once I start the stims :)
Check me out if you'd like:
http://highfshlevel.blogspot.com/
Well, since it's still Passover, I'll stick with the Heavy Malaga, thank you!
I'm anxiously awaiting my appointment with a new clinic/doctor on May 1st. We've done 5 IVF cycles (2 were cancelled mid-cycle) resulting in 1 ectopic and 1 pregnancy and miscarriage at 7 weeks. I just don't produce a lot of eggs and we're hoping the new clinic will have a miracle protocol for me.
Yesterday was the 1 year anniversary of the due date of my prgnancy that was ectopic - a tough day, to say the least.
Thanks for opening your bar, Mel!
I love your bar!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am here, everyday, drinking in your advice, your happiness and your frustration.
I've just recovered from my lap, d&c and hysteroscopy. I am on Day 3on Clomid and now if it doesn't work out for us in 2 months time, it'll be my first attempt at IVF.
Whatever way happens, your bar is where I come to - for my solitary alcoholic space.
I'll take a Dr. Pepper - it's the end of my 2ww but I'm not hopeful. All my friends can't relate to me anymore - I need you guys. At 33, a miscarriage and D&C, THEN a diagnosis of premature ovarian failure, one failed Clomid/IUI cycle, and probably another failed one, feels like more than I can bear. I hate myself, for what's come my way. It's been a bad day today.
So you guys are my buddies. Damn, it sucks. But we're together. Cheers.
Hey, Anonymous, I'll buy you a beer. I'm sorry the day has sucked so badly. I'm always here to listen if you need an ear.
I am a new-comer to the blogasphere (so new in fact that the word blogasphere seems cool to me). How in the heck you manage all this stuff is beyond me! Makes me feel so meek and like an underachiever - THANKS! j/k! I'll take a white wine please. I am a recent graduate of UIF (University of Infertility). I went through 3 years of an arduous undergrad but have come away with two degrees (aka children) - oh forget the school analogy! I love this blog but have to admit I'm still wading through the list of things going on. I am trying the IComLevWe thing. It's a great idea. I might just have to jump in the Barren Bitches Brigade and pick up that book. Glad I found you! Great blog!
I'll have a bottle of Pinot Noir and straw, since I've just had a miscarriage. I'll need all the liquid courage I can get to get me through the next few weeks. Any advice for the aftermath, anyone? Any and all suggestions are welcome. Sorry to be so cheerful....
Cheers and bottoms up, ladies.
I'll take a few beer then two tequila chasers, one for each baby-less pregnancy. I already feel drunk on this clomid though...
I'll have a chocolate milk though I would prefer something a bit stiffer. This is the third time I've been pg this year if we count a chem pg, a twin pg (blighted ovum and m/c at 9w). Now I am pg again from IVF #6. I am terrified I will lose another baby. I am terrified because we saw 3 gestational sacs at my 5w u/s despite the assurances that the third one doesn't look like it will take.
What perfect timing - my first ever comment on a blog (although I've been an avid reader for quite some...bad lurker bad!) and I'm also badly in need of a drink. I'll have a maker's and ginger ale.
First, Mel, I want to say a huge thank you to you. When I found myself lurching out of my first RE appointment and straight to the Nets to try to find information about this new world of infertility I found myself in, your blog was one of the first I've found, and it has been an incredible roadmap to this amazing community. I'm looking forward to your book later this spring.
Anyway, my story - short and sweet. I was diagnosed with borderline ovarian cancer in 1999 which resulted in the removal of 1 ovary and fallopian tube and left behind extensive scarring. It wasn't until 10 years later when I met my husband that I truly realized the impact of what was a scary but very treatable diagnosis. Fast forward to today where we have one unsuccessful IVF under our belts and are in the Lupron-stage of our 2nd go-around. Taking it day by day (or given the general lushery of my compadres, shall I say drink by drink...)
Well I'm a little late on commenting but I have been following for awhile and I really think I need a drink!!! Ameretto Sour please!!!! I love your attitude and how caring you are. I too have followed some chat rooms/message boards but it seems like some of them aren't always there for support more for being the one with the most comments/posts. I don't always feel welcome at them because I don't spend 24hrs a day posting. I blog just not as much as I want to. My husband and I have been TTC for over a year. I have PCOS. I'm a little leary of using medications so right now I'm just using acupuncture and have been very happy with the results. We are going slower then most but thats our pace. I love reading your blog and I'm so happy to have found you!! Thank you for being a harbor for so many of us to come to!!!
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