The point is that technically, Jon was my first choice. He was my first real boyfriend. And while he's probably a really nice guy and currently a neurosurgeon, I'm pretty glad that it didn't work out between us. I mean, while it probably would have been advantageous for my fertility to start trying to conceive back at age 13, I'm not sure Jon and I would have been the best match through adulthood. And I'm glad my second, third, and fourth choices didn't work because while--again--they were nice guys and all, I really believe that Josh is the person I was meant to marry. And not in that fate sense of the word when I say "meant." I mean that we complement each other perfectly. He is the missing piece that makes me more me. And I am lucky that we found each other and he is irreplaceable in my heart. While I certainly felt sad during other breakups, it is nothing compared to the pain I would feel if I ever lost Josh. Because our lives are so deeply and profoundly entwined that to lose him would mean that I lose a piece of myself.
And that is why I never look at leaving one path to parenthood in favour of another path from the Land of If as a second choice. It's not that I tried this and since I couldn't have it that way, I settled for this way. First doesn't always mean best and first doesn't always mean right. It is simply the first thing we tried and when it didn't work, we moved onto the next choice until we found the choice that worked for us. And it is similar to dating in that regard. I didn't marry the first man I dated because he wasn't the best and he wasn't right for me. When I married the 80th person I dated, I wasn't marrying the person who was in 80th place. I married the 80th person who only came after all the twists and turns in the road were passed and the line that connected us finally became untangled so we could find one another.
A and I were recently emailing about the idea of putting biological children on a pedestal or how to make non-biological children understand that they are not a second choice. This is the analogy that Josh and I have been exploring in the new song and cartoon that we've been working on for the past few nights:
When you go to your garden, by the time you walk back in the house, you've looked at all of the flowers. By default, one has to be the one you looked at first. But when you walk away from the garden, you enjoyed all the flowers and enjoyed the whole experience. It's not that the first flower you saw was the one you loved best or became more important. It was simply the starting point that brought you the whole experience of enjoying the garden. And trying for those bio children--they were just the first flowers, the experience that brought you into family building. But the flowers you grow in your own garden, those are the ones that were meant to spring up for you two to nurture and love.And again, the word "meant" does not in any way connote that Western idea that when it's meant to happen, it will happen. But more the Buddhist idea of cause and effect and that we can't necessarily know the cause until we see the effect. But that if a child comes to you--through whatever means--it was meant to come to you. It's a purposeful act, not a random event, since every effect has a cause.
Just my opinion...