The Daily News

LFCA Latest Issue: Friday, September 25, 2009.

Latest Post on BlogHer: Parenting after Infertility.

My Status: Fed Josh's almonds to the squirrels. They needed them very badly.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Uterninus's Law

Uterninus's Law (n): origin: Uterninus, the lesser-known but equally fiery brother of Saturninus, who was superstitiously thought to be the source of all conception woes in ancient Rome.* Uterninus's Law is the force that thwarts all conception efforts on the part of infertile men and women in direct correlation to how badly they need the cycle to work. Any attempt to circumvent Uterninus's Law by pretending to "not care" about a cycle is detected and squashed in turn.

Examples:

  • Though a couple will be getting along on all other days of the year, they will have terrible arguments twelve hours prior to ovulation so they miss the perfect window by fuming instead of having sex. This correlation is noted even more accurately when ovulation predictor kits are used to time intercourse. Especially if the couple is financially-strapped and they had to think twice about purchasing said OPK.

  • If you are to receive blood test results on a Friday, the doctor will only call during the three minutes of the day when you do not have cell phone reception. He will leave a vague message and you will not be able to find out the results until Monday morning.

  • If you are using a mail-order service for medications because it is less expensive or more convenient, when the medications arrive, you will either be missing several parts of your order OR the box will arrive a day after your first injection.

  • If you refrain from drinking alcohol and coffee, partake in daily yoga classes, and eat a healthy, balanced diet, you will not get pregnant.

  • Sperm lives in a woman's body for 3--5 days ONLY if you are a terrified teenager who has no clue (1) when she ovulates and (2) if she took her birth control pill. Sperm lives in an infertile woman's body for 3--5 hours, therefore making lining up timing with ovulation nearly impossible. This rule also wrecks havoc with the first bullet point and arguments around ovulation. Doctors do not believe this fact and therefore often repeat the idea that sperm lives in all women's bodies for 3--5 days.

  • If you need to run a progesterone test seven days after ovulation and you sigh in relief that you will ovulate with days to spare before you leave for a big trip, you will invariably ovulate too late, therefore making it impossible to test progesterone that cycle.

  • The more hand-holding and the more awkward the relationship is with your inlaws, the more likely they will schedule their visit to fall during retreival or transfer. If they are the type who need a gourmet meal cooked nightly and a spotless house, they will arrive one day before your beta.

  • The month you run out of your prenatal vitamin and say "fuck it" since you're not even cycling anyway and angrily put off refilling the prescription for two weeks will be the month you get pregnant.
For more examples of Uterninus's Law, please see this short film:






















* Um...don't try to google it. I made it up just to sound smart and all academicy. There was no Uterninus.

35 comments:

Samantha said...

Great video. I think you've definitely discovered a corallary of Murphy's Law!

Furrow said...

Ha!!!! That's fabulous! Are there any known appeasements to Uterinus?

Jamie said...

I love it!! Very cute!!

Sunny said...

This is so good. You are way too creative!

megan said...

brilliant! i love it!

Vee said...

"You’re screwed no matter what you"
So true.

Well done guys, I love it !

Stacie said...

I love it. Love love love love.

My version: when you mail order your drugs they will be delivered to your place of work, which would be a Catholic school where IVF is a firing offense. Thank G-d for discrete receptioninsts.

The Town Criers said...

Oooh--yes--everyone add other examples of Uterninus's Law. Oy, Stacie. Like you said, thank G-d for discreet receptionists.

Michell said...

I tried posting this morning but my internet died again so here goes. From working in the NICU the more drugs you do the easier it is to become pregnant. Drove me crazy.

Adrienne said...

Damn, that was funny!

Trish said...

AMEN!
AMEN!
AMEN!

Artblog said...

Too funny! YOu are so good at those short movies!

Just what I needed :)

XXX Artblog

serenity said...

I LOVE it Mel!!! Thanks for the laugh today - I needed it. :)

Nicole said...

Hilarious! I loved the first point. As, Husband and I just experienced that one.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

This is great!! I watched it last night, but didn't have time to comment. My law at the moment is finally deciding to use donor sperm and hoping to use your clinics bank which uses some fancy method of choosing profiles that match you and your husband. You send the profile info in at lightening speed because you were told it takes 24 to 48 hours to get your matches only to find out the person who does the matching is on vacation and you're now on Day 10 of waiting!

decemberbaby said...

I bow before your superior wit and creativity.

Well done!!!

littleangelkisses said...

OMG! I'm going to have to wait until I get home to watch the video...but I c&p and sent it to DH...

Thanks, I needed that this morning!

Bean said...

Hysterical, and very timely too! I'm anticipating a very bad timing issue for our next IVF round slated to start in a couple of weeks—husband has a 2 day unalterable work commitment—thanks to delayed ovulation (and that NEVER happens to me). We may have to delay the whole thing for another month. ARGH. So, thanks for the laugh - I need it!

Aunt Sassy said...

heeheehee!
We do dh's "sample" at home just prior to ER since we are just 5 min from the clinic (and I prefer to be his inspiration:)). On our 2nd ER-- we had guys at the house installing satellite... that (long story) we had been waiting to be done correctly for THREE WEEKS so I would have something to watch while recovering (ok, really I was pissed off 'cuz i had been missing survivor...). They took FOREVER... i mean HOURS longer than they said. I was watching the clock tick-tock. We finally got them out at the exact time we were supposed to be leaving for the clinic.

Let's just say it was a good thing dh can be fast...

katd said...

This is hilarious! So cute and sooo true.

A.M.S. said...

Does this count as a corollary of Uterinus's law?

Your sister in law will mail you a card talking about how she can't to hear the results of your first IVF beta that will arrive at your home the day after your negative beta AND will include photos of your niece and one-year old nephew.

Alternately...
The mail-order drug box will contain everything you need, from nasty Lupron to horrid PIO, but will be missing the single valium tablet, which is the ONLY drug in the box you were excited to be taking.

Love the movie! Made me laugh, cry, and snort my coffee (a grande with a shot of espresso, thank you very much)out my nose.

matthew m. f. Miller said...

Anger should never keep you from sex ... ever. It's just not worth it. Uterininus is a bastard, if you ask me.

And this post is hilarious, if you ask me.

Dianne/Flutter said...

LOVE IT! Oh man, your corus is my life right now! "You are screwed no matter what you do!"

STANDING OVATION!

May said...

Wonderful video. It made me laugh, somewhat bitterly, I admit, but very loudly. With me it was always managing to have lots of sex for weeks on end, only to simply not ovulate at all that cycle. It always made me so damn' mad.

Or having an aunt, of all people, suggest subtly that perhaps you and your husband 'aren't doing it right', the morning after that horrible little argument you and your husband had instead of sex....

*sigh*

Furrow said...

Oh, I did think of another law. You have a beautiful natural ovulation and textbook luteal phase during the month that your IUI practicioner is on vacation in Italy. The month before, the IUI was cancelled because of an early ovulation.

Binky said...

Damn you, Uterninus! (And in my mind I look like Charlton Heston, shaking my fist at the sky . . .)

LJ said...

That was entirely hilarious.

I too am humming the chorus...

Jess said...

OH MY GOSH MEL, TRAVIS AND I LOVE YOU.

It's so funny! Also, I think maybe because I'm sorta hormonal (imagine that) it kinda made me want to cry at the "it's a bumpy road for some to pink and blue" part.

But I can definitely appreciate the "pregnancy before the adoption is very old" bit. I actually had a nurse in the NICU a couple days ago say, "See? When you stop thinking about it you get pregnant."

I was like, sure, but the IVF helped a LOT.

The Road Less Travelled said...

I love it! You have it so right on.

GLouise said...

Hilarious!

Carol said...

beautiful. every word of it is true.

Baby Blues said...

Move over Ala.nis Mori.sette! Here comes Mel! Job well done... again! Love it. You sing our anthem!

Carlynn said...

I so relate to Uterninus's Law. I might even print it out and stick it in my journal. Healthy diet, yoga - check. Take folic acid and prenatal vitamins religiously until I do an IVF cycle ( because of course it's going to work) when I take them erratically and a box of 30 lasts me almost 3 months. Hand-holding in-laws CAME TO LIVE WITH US during a precarious pregnancy and never once made dinner but did offer to go out to restaurants 30 minutes away at 8pm. Yeah, of course, I'm dying to go out when all the doctors are telling me to rest and take it easy. Oh, that is a great law. All REs should have it as part of their course.

gracechild said...

i love it!!! so very very true.

Bea said...

For some reason, hearing you sing, "You're screwed, no matter what you do," is very soothing to me. Excellent vid. Another triumph.

Bea