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Saturday, August 19, 2006

Two Things On My Mind (Children Mentioned)

Back from the beach (only a mother post IF comes back from her vacation early so she can tuck in her children--but more on that thought in another post). And wading through emails and laundry. But two thoughts--one that came out of a post on "At What Cost" and one that has been nagging me.

Another point about Domar's quote is that it assumes both people in the couple are on the same page. Either that or it assumes that you would continue on your path to parenthood alone. Someone raised the point about the first part being hopeful--a reminder that things will get better and you will not be on this roller coaster forever. I know realistically that if I had to, I would get off the roller coaster and keep living. That's the realistic me. But the emotional me believes that if I had to get off mid-ride, I would just stop. Yes. Stop. I would just break and cease to be me anymore. A bit dramatic, but I'm always reminded of a play a friend wrote in college called The Man Who Stopped and it was about a man who didn't die, he didn't break down sobbing, he didn't jump out a window. He just stopped. And that's how I imagine those moments would be after I call the RE or put away the adoption information. I would just stop. Before my mother emails me to tell me that she's worried about me, I will also add that I know (again, the rational me) that I won't stop. I will wake up and still be grateful for those little A.R.T. babies upstairs. But that's what goes through my mind when I hear this quote and I consider the idea that secondary IF may not be resolved like primary IF. Finances are different now. Eggs are different now. There is more to consider than just ourselves and that changes the decisions too. Wanting more doesn't mean I'm ungrateful or not recognizing what a miracle it was that A.R.T. worked for us. But I do believe that the need to parent is coded in our D.N.A. and the desire is almost primal. Almost stop-worthy. As in, if you couldn't fulfill that function, you would just stop like a computer whose plug has been yanked from the wall.

Oh...but back to my point. Which was this idea that Domar's comment also means that both people were on the same page. And I know that couples are not always in absolute sync and it doesn't mean that you can't keep moving forward. But a small step behind is different than being on a whole different page. And I realized that I have no idea which way is the average for couples--are more people in relationships where both people are on the same page (though maybe a sentence or a paragraph behind) or on different pages? Because how do you overcome that obstacle? How do you leave behind a marriage for a not-yet baby? How do you stay in a marriage when there is a not-yet baby that needs to be brought into this world? How do you leave behind the not-yet baby entirely? And if you and your spouse are on different pages, how did you get on the same page? What advice can you give others from your journey?

My other thought comes from my ninja nurse practioner. When we were going through which antibiotics I could take (due to allergies), she came up with Doxycycline. And she told me not to try to conceive during the cycle that I take this because the child could be born with birth defects including black teeth. She informed me that even the adult teeth have the possibility of growing in black. Looking back at my trusty IF book (where I kept detailed notes of every blood test, injection, and procedure) I noticed that I took Doxycycline as the antibiotic during my HSG. And I was told (as I believe everyone is told) that the best time to try is right after the HSG because blocked tubes may have been opened by the dye. So which is it? Was I given terrible advice by the RE or is the NP too cautious or confusing it with a different medication? Is the birth defect factor a new detail with this drug? It's been nagging me because...I don't know why. Because medicine sometimes feels a little too slippery for its own good. I want black and white facts. And it feels like we're flirting with something grey here. Grey facts. Black teeth.

More thoughts on beach vacations tomorrow when I have finished another load of laundry.


Maya said...

Surfer and I have not been on the same page. I contemplated doing ART alone until I realized that I wanted my children to be raised by a man who was their biological father, if I could help it.

We are attempting to get on the same page by putting the IVF on hold, doing some therapy, giving it time, and will hopefully be on back on track by next Spring.

It is also funny that you bring this up now because the Sex in the City rerun last night was about one of the characters and her husband not being on the same page about IVF. Of course she was rushing it.

Anonymous Infertile said...

My husband and I are definitly not on the same page. He has always been a page or two behind me. I think the reason for him being 'behind' me is that he has such faith that this is going to happen. He believes it so he just thinks its something that we just have to keep working at and it will happen.
This has been extremely frustrating at times - when after 6-8 months of ttc I knew something was wrong and he just thought that we needed time. And, now he is fine with doing clomid over and over again (until otherwise told by the dr.) where as I would be jumping to something else by now.
I am already discussing the 'what if's' and he just keeps saying that I am probably pregnant right now so why are we even discusssing the next step.

The Sperm Palace Jester said...

I know that when Mel and I began going through IF I was always a couple of pages behind her -- not because I was unwilling to try anything to get pregnant, but because I was resistant to the label of "infertile." I had too much cultural baggage to readily admit that we were an infertile couple. It took an accumulation (Mel would probably say an over-accumulation) of evidence before I would reluctantly accede to that label. Usually, my resistance to seeking more advance treatment was more a resistance to the infertile label than the treatment itself. Even after we began treatments I kept referring to us as having IF issues rather than saying "we're infertile." It probably took until our second round of injectible drugs before I was truly able to say that I was on the same page as my spouse -- but that didn't mean that I didn't share the same goal.

Ellen K. said...

It took us 2 years to arrive at the same page when it comes to how my husband and I consider our infertility. I was always running a few pages or chapters ahead. It took more than 1 year of waiting for his post-varicocelectomy improvement and 3 failed IUIs for him to arrive at the point where he feels angry and bitter and is referring to us as "infertile."

Now I'd say that we're on the same page, but I'm still a paragraph or so ahead in terms of researching our other options and my impatience.

C said...

I'm not sure that DH and I will ever be on exactly the same page with ART. He always wants to wait awhile longer, try another test, or "give it time" before moving forward after something doesn't work.

I do remember one time when we both agreed on the next step without even thinking about it. It was right after my HSG, when my asshole former RE told us that statistically, we had a 2-3% chance to get pregnant on our own every cycle. Those are sobering numbers to even the most optimistic spouse, and right then we decided to do IUI after we'd moved to our new town. Before it had always been a struggle to get DH to agree to any ART.

The bottom line for us has always been that it's my body, and I get to make the final decision about when we stop. I wish that we didn't disagree about when we'll reach that point, though.

Anonymous said...

Thinking about it I realize my DH and I have taken turns with who takes the lead. I was pages ahead at first, then when it came to discussing donor eggs he jumped a whole chapter ahead when I was still ready to do IVF with my eggs again. (The whole realization that you are giving up your biological claim to a child is a difficult place to be, especially when your DH will still have that connection.)But I caught up and was again a few pages ahead of him. Then this past Father's Day something happened where he looked at me with almost tears in his eyes and said "No matter what it takes we WILL be parents." I can not explain the joy of knowing we were (and remain) on the same page, word and letter finally!

Jackie said...

Check out this website for info on tetracycline analogs (like doxy).

I was also prescribed doxy for my HSG. Doesn't look like there is actually a problem until after 4 months of gestation.