The Daily News

LFCA Latest Issue: Friday, September 25, 2009.

Latest Post on BlogHer: Parenting after Infertility.

My Status: Fed Josh's almonds to the squirrels. They needed them very badly.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Friday Blog Roundup

I did it--I bought the iPod Touch. After lunch on Thursday, I left the twins with my mother and snuck out to the Apple store where no one could answer my questions. But it came down to this: for $30 more than the nano, I could have Internet access sometimes, a wider screen for watching Brothers & Sisters, and all the functions normally found on a palm pilot. And when I boiled it down to that fact, it seemed worth taking the chance with how much I would like it and eat the $30.

After I bought it, I walked to my car and placed it on the seat next to me and locked my car doors (since I have read enough email forwards to know that crazy things happen to women who sit in their cars in parking lots) and stared at all of the people who were eating their lunch outside the mall. And I thought about what I had just done. See, I can't even enjoy a little retail therapy. I need to analyze it to death. Actually, I believe my internal monologue was more akin to "what have I done? what have I done?"

I really don't know why I wanted the iPod. I have never shown an interest in one before. I mean, Josh has offered to get me one as a gift and I've turned down the idea. But we needed a new CD player for the twins' room and Josh suggested that we get an iPod because it would be more portable than lugging the CD player on trips. And this idea grew and grew until it became this insatiable desire for Internet access while outside the home. Even though I only use my cell phone for outgoing calls because I do not want to be reachable when I am away from home. It is completely out-of-character to want Internet access. But I wanted it.

Which raised my internal red flags.

Lately, I have been devouring food. Not always terrible food--one night it was a huge bowl of grilled asparagus. But I've been eating without being hungry. And it shows. I've been drinking more coffee, staying up later, buying toys on a whim. Consuming. And I really had to pause and think about buying the iPod because it felt like more consumption--this bottomless consumption where I was trying to fill something. And once I realized I was doing it, I told myself that it had to stop. The eating had to stop. Worrying about time had to stop. Buying for the sake of buying had to stop.

So was I buying it to fill a void or buying it to solve a music-playing problem or buying it simply to make myself feel good because life is short and we should make ourselves feel good when we can? I like to think that once I became conscious of where I was mentally, it became a healthier purchase. But that could be justification.

I also bought it for the Wolvog. His favourite thing in the world is to go to the Apple store and play with the iPhones. He was an iPhone for Purim last year and he has taught himself fancy tricks on the iPhone by memorizing Apple's infomercials on their website. When he saw me download iTunes last night, he asked me why. I told him that I had bought an iPod Touch when he was at Grandma's.

"It's in the house?" he asked incredulously.

"It's in my purse," I admitted.

"Can I see it?" he questioned.

And when I brought it upstairs, it was as if I had delivered the Holy Grail into his preschool hands. He was shaking. Bedtime consisted of a lot of chatter to the ChickieNob about his happiness ( I guess money can buy happiness for the preschool set) and then he had to pop out of bed when he discovered I was hooking it up to the computer and getting on the Internet for the first time.

It is making me happy, in this really-not-solving-the-mental-health-issues-but-
certainly-making-me-happy-in-the-small-sense-of the-word. I am getting used to it. It's nice to be playing with Reader. And Lindsay taught me how to put music on it. I'm only putting on music that makes me happy such as Bob Dylan and Paul Simon and Jesus Christ Superstar.

So it's a small good thing. I'm glad I asked you for advice. Thank you for guiding me towards the iPod Touch.

The next 100 Words Project kicked off on Bridges yesterday. The theme is love. Submissions have already started pouring in and they're amazing. You will bawl and your heart will swell. Ecstasy and despair--two ends of the spectrum--and both stemming from love. I cannot even tell you how excited I am about this project.

The IComLeavWe list for September closes on Sunday because that is when the commentathon begins. Intense commenting will go from Sunday (the 21st) until Sunday (the 28th). If you're not already on the list, this is your last chance until October.

And now the blogs...

Cupcakes and Conundrums
has a post about the happiness she has refound through the adoption process and the response of friends and family. She writes, "I feel like I'm constantly defending our decision to adopt, not because people are hostile about it, but because people are constantly suggesting that we ttc again. People who have previously kept a respectful distance are now demanding to know what treatment we've had because they or someone they know conceived after years of infertility and they think we should too." It is hard to read the joy and know that people close to them are missing it. Hopefully, they'll catch on soon.

Life in the White House has a post that broke my heart following the negative from their first dIUI. The line that moved me to tears juxtaposed the night before the beta with the day after: "Of course, last night we both thought we would be parents in 9 months. We were just talking about how it's scary. Matt was having to remind me of how badly I wanted to be a mom...that's how scared I was. Today, all I want is to hold a baby and know that it's mine." It's a gorgeous, albeit sad, post.

The Other Shoe
has a post about fitting in and the residue of infertility. The post, aptly titled "Dislocation" is about that feeling of being out-of-sorts even when you know that those around you probably don't notice what you're feeling. She writes, "Partly it's my old knee-jerk response. A room full of women with kids? Are you nuts? I keep forgetting I have crossed over. Or at least I am in the crossing.Another part is ... I don't know. As I come to these pregnant moments that I always wanted, all I do is notice ways that I don't fit in." I just loved this post and I hope she makes it to the social group.

Lastly, XBox4NappyRash, which is always an excellent read, has a post about the final week of the two week wait. Not only is the discussion of the continuous shifting of "what is good" brilliant, but I wistfully love this final thought: "I can sum up our chances of success this month as somewhere between fanciful and far fetched. Just about normal then..." I hope life proves them wrong this Sunday and they get the happy ending to the two week wait.

The roundup to the Roundup: I have an iTouch (and you will most likely see it at Show & Tell when I have it loaded with more than elderly Jewish singers and Jesus Christ Superstar). The next 100 Words Project is running. The IComLeavWe list closes on Sunday and commenting begins. Have a wonderful weekend and I'll see you on Saturday night with your items.


Tina said...

Your post about unhealthy purchasing sooooo hit home for me. My husband wracked up tons of debt for us because of the same reason - his overbought, overate, and overbought some more. The reasons? He was trying to fill some major voids in his life - not doing what he wanted to do with his life career-wise and trying to spite those who prevented him from doing what he wanted.

The downsides to that, for him, were: We were in debt to our eyes, he was overweight (and now trying to lose the weight), we had so much CRAP to move around the house. And, the most important of all: Those who stopped him from doing what he wanted just don't care - and judge him for what he does now.

Now, some things he bought were handy in the end (like, for us, the new TV and for you, the phone). And, the overspending makes it hard to judge when one thing is a good purchase and another is not.

The good thing for you is you acknowledge you are doing it - and trying to figure out why. It took my husband YEARS to figure it out while I stood watching the bills accumulate...and have to work to keep us going. It was only this year, when my IL's lost their house, that he realized what he was doing - and started selling things to start paying things off.

Wishing you some insight into what, if anything, is driving you on - and the resolve to stop it now.


Emily (Apron Strings) said...

YAY! Glad you got the iTouch. Woo-hoo!

Jen said...

I think the iThingy is worth it just for the Wolvog's reaction. Plus, you'll enjoy it too.

luna said...

I think awareness is key. maybe not if you're gorging to an unsustainable degree. but I don't think you are. I think you realize the pattern, and you will be conscious so it does not become a problem.

consumption is such a strange beast. my hub has a thing for gadgets, and I often need to talk him down. he is very aware of it now, and it is in check. I on the other hand have an issue with all things delicious. much harder to tame that beast. again, awareness. I ask myself why, and I try to stick to what I need. BUT I do allow myself a little luxury sometime, whether it is a luscious dessert, or an ipod...

plus I have to say, even if it sounds shallow, ipods changed our lives. we used to travel with 2 portable cd players and 2 big packs of cds. now, it's like carrying a pack of gum or a phone.

luna said...

oh and I forgot to say I LOVED the wolvog's response to your new purchase. he must think you're just the coolest, if he didn't already... soon he'll be teaching you to use it...

Jess said...

Screw the unhealthiness, Mel. If it makes you a little happy and you can afford it, why the heck not? Life is short. Often hard. Get joy where you can.

I'm glad you like it. The iPhone *which you NEED* is really cool so I can imagine the iTouch is similarly cool. Never was an apple girl myself before.

I hope you do get the mental health issues worked out soon, though. If you want to chat, you know where I am. :)

Kristin said...

Glad you are enjoying the iTouch...and that you are getting in touch with what you are feeling.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Thanks for the mention, it is really bizarre to think what we will count as a good day in this business!


JamieD said...

I am glad you are enjoying your iTouch! Once I get it in my mind that I want something, I can't shake it. Right now it is a laptop (I absolutely have no *need* for a laptop - the only difference would be surfing the 'net from the couch instead of the desk) but I keep on and on about it.

It is funny to hear how much Wolvog loves it. I bet he could barely sleep for thinking about the iTouch and the fact that he has the coolest mom ever!

LJ said...

What can *I* hold?

Io said...

I'm so glad you got the itouch!
(Obviously, you need to find a different way to fill a void, but buying one is still cool. You can do *things* on it!)
I often find myself eating as a way to fill that void. And garage sailing, which thank goodness is a lot cheaper than *retail* retail therapy.

chicklet said...

Uh, I didn't realize I was in consumption junction until you pointed it out. I think our negative brought on the purchase of many gifts for friends, multitudes of hand-made etsy things, and about $400 in new clothes. Whoops. Maybe I have a void too...

Sassy said...

Thank you for understanding my post. :)

Cynthia Samuels said...

I'm sure the blog roundup is wonderful but I had so much fun with you iPod Touch story, and your son, that I just had to stop and smile. I have a Touch too - after my classic iPod was stolen in a car break-in (along with my GPS but don't ask) my husband came home with it for me. I had already returned the iPhone because a)It wouldn't search contacts, which I hear is fixed) and b) you couldn't insure it which meant you had to eat the loss. SO now I have the reasonably priced TOUCH and am lovin' it every morning walking in Rock Creek Park. It's pretty and it sounds great and holds music for every mood. Wear it in good health!