The Daily News

LFCA Latest Issue: Friday, September 25, 2009.

Latest Post on BlogHer: Parenting after Infertility.

My Status: Fed Josh's almonds to the squirrels. They needed them very badly.

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

A Small Post of Random Things

Arthur B. Fuckelstein, we found the mouse.

I was standing near the closest with the ChickieNob discussing the nutritional content of yogurt-covered raisins when Josh sweetly but urgently asked me to pick up the ChickieNob and move across the room and do not look down. Caught in the glue trap was a m-o-u-s-e, a little grey m-o-u-s-e, who was still struggling in the glue. It broke my heart and freaked me out at the same time. I'm not sure how you can have it both ways--a m-o-u-s-e-free house (what will we do once they can spell and we can't discuss m-o-u-s-e m-u-r-d-e-r over their heads?) and ahimsa.

Josh took him outside. I thought about him all day.

I get exceptionally good spam. I've shared some with you before. All of the spam assumes that I am a man and that I have a small penis. Also, that I am concerned with the small size. I'm not a man, so perhaps all men are concerned with their penis size. It just isn't a cut-and-dried thing for women. I am concerned about the flatness (or lack thereof) of my stomach, but another woman may be concerned about upper arm flab. I would love to know if men above the age of sixteen are concerned about penis size.

While I know the "you" in the subject line is an assumed second-person male, I like to read them as if they are aimed at me, a woman, with a deep concern about my non-existent penis. This week, I've been promised that I will be able to surprise women with my anaconda, make her tremble with passion, freak out girls with my gigantic schlong, dream about a larger love-stick, make my large instrument come in handy (get it? Hand? Handy? It's a masturbation reference, right? Am I wrong? Did I read too much into it? I'm a little embarrassed now. What? The writers of spam aren't that clever? Oh...never mind).

And then the sucker punch. A one-two of back-to-back emails.

Want a bigger baby-maker?

A brand new large baby-maker?

Ouch...right in the baby-maker, so to say.

A long time ago, Josh renamed my ovaries my Russell Stovers. We like to say to each other, "I'm going to punch you in your Russell Stover." Like my spam, this exclamation creates an assumed second-person female. But Josh doesn't mind.

We love all the commercials on Valentine's Day. It brings endless amusement on trips to the grocery store in February. I'm a firm believer that everyone should rename their ovaries.

Pow! Right in the baby-maker.

I took this picture a while ago.

We saw the sign at dusk. Plus, we were following someone else's car so it would have looked strange if I had hopped out of the car and taken a picture of a sign. Josh pointed it out as we went over the bump in the road and said, "speed hump, honey. That's what we do."

But you notice that the picture was clearly taken in daylight. That is because the next morning, in our pyjamas, we slipped out of the house where we were staying and traced the route back to the sign. As the early morning joggers ran past us, I got out of the car and stood squarely in front of the sign, snapping numerous pictures. Time well spent

Can we just return to the mouse again? After you've seen a spider in a room or a mouse in a glue trap just underneath your enormous stash of King Arthur Flour (oh, Baruch ha'Shem for plastic flour storage containers)--whatever is your fear-du-jour--how long until you stop thinking about it every time you enter the room that contains the scene of the crime? One hour? One day? One week?

It has been a year and a half and I still check the corner of the ceiling where I first saw the cricket every time I step into that bathroom.


We are keeping score. I am currently planning on giving my vote next Tuesday to the candidate that calls me the least. I know that isn't a particularly scientific way to vote, but I'm getting a little annoyed by the constant phone calls. I keep track of the mail too. A certain female senator is treading on thin ice right now, which is a shame.

I'm only sort of being facetious right now.


Hekateris said...

Would it be too late to mention the Hav-A-Heart mousetrap? For what it's worth, I still feel guilty about the mouse we caught and set free last March...

Never again will I set a mouse free in winter. Never.

Michell said...

Yeah, I've had flowers die because there had once been a spider on the water spigot outside and I was NEVER able to touch it again. I must say though I'm impressed that you caught the mouse with a glue trap. I was never successful with those. Had to use the big bad meanie one. Now I have cats who would play with it till it died. Oh would they think that was fun. Sorry about the spam mail that hit a little to close to home. I used to get tons of that stuff but don't seem to get as much any more. I always got a kick though out of the one about a dog named Harvey and a special ability to please the ladies.

Chris said...

We have a traffic sign here, attached to a traffic signal that says, "Red means stop". Seriously. I was horrified when we first moved here and I saw the sign. Now our houseguests take pictures of it.

loribeth said...

Glad you finally caught the mouse. I can't imagine living for nearly a month in the same house where it was scampering around!! (shudder) They are kinda cute, but...!! After we got rid of our uninvited guest (fortunately, the same day we saw him) I cleaned house furiously that weekend (especially the spots where we'd seen him). We left the traps up for about two months, just in case he'd brought company -- it took me that long to feel reassured.

As for the telemarketers, I have two words for you: CALL DISPLAY. Greatest invention ever. If we don't recognize the number, we don't answer. If someone really wants to talk to us, we figure they'll leave a message. Of course, we still have to listen to the phone ring (sometimes six or eight times in one evening...!!), but it's an improvement.

xavier2001 said...

Ha, you crack me up! This is the kind of post I needed today to lift my spirits!!

littleangelkisses said...

I live in Iowa...the weekend before our Caucus we got an average of 25 calls a DAY! Crazy!

Sorry about the mouse.

Nearlydawn said...

Ah, the South... A certain female Senator hasn't bothered to send me even one piece of mail. Neither has any other Democrat candidate. Hmmm... I wonder if they really think we are ALL Republicans and so they shouldn't waste the postage. Who knows...

Of course, a certain Republican AND his wife called my home 2 times a day for 3 days before our primary. If I had been planning to vote for him, he would have lost my vote for spamming me!

ekunkelmann said...

I got the same spam message yesterday! You beat me to blogging about it though.

We use no-see glue traps. It's a little box with a glue trap floor. Unfortunately you still see and hear the mouse. We have to dispose of it another way.

Jess said...

I love the speed hump sign! How funny is that! I would have totally gone back to take a picture of it too!!!

Denise said...

Do men really refer to their penises (should it be peni?) as "baby-makers?" Sounds like something only a woman would say.

Long story, but DH once had mice in the back seats of his car. They were folded up and stored in the garage for awhile. They are the type of seats from an SUV back row that you can't unfold unless they are latched into the floor of the car. We listened to the squeaking noises coming from those seats for months before DH finally got the courage to put the seats back in the car.

I drove into the neighborhood one day to find the garage door open, DH running around his car and one of the seats sitting in the driveway. He told me that when he put one seat in and opened it up, he saw a mouse (or two) run out. As freaked out as I was, I helped him look for the mouse because we could hear a tiny, weak little squeak coming from somewhere. On the garage floor, right next to the open back door of the car, we found a miniature, baby mouse obviously injured from falling out of our car. The mouse baby didn't appear to even have open eyes yet. We never did find the mama mouse and DH had to get in that car and drive it to work and home every day. I refused to get into that car again until the back seats were removed and the entire care detail cleaned.

The vision of the poor mouse baby and the little squeak will haunt me forever. I have no doubt.

Lori said...

A hug for your baby-maker.

Ummm...that doesn't sound quite right.

Jess said...


You'd never make it around here. The crops come off in the fall and there are spiders and mice EVERYWHERE. Doesn't matter that our house is BRAND NEW (well, now 3 years) and TIGHT, they still get in.


Michelle said...

Too funny. I grew up in Houston and my bugaboo (no pun intended) was the flying cockroaches. I saw enough for real that I just started imagining them. When I moved to the East Coast and people talked about roaches and I realized they meant those tiny brown things, I laughed.

I hear you on the phone calls. I have decided not to support some really good organizations any more(and I mean you, ACLU and HRC) because my measly $25 donation generated such a deluge of mail from them asking for more $. Enough.

Chebbles' Mama said...

I love the Speed Hump!

And our solution to mice? Cats. It makes everything more dramatic and "Wild Kingdom" and has led to Chebbles, at the tender age of 29 months, saying things like, "I wish Otto would bring another mouse in the house. You would say 'AAAAAH!'" Yes, Chebs. Yes I would say "AAAAAH!"

Beagle said...

Damn, someone beat me to it! Cats are our solution as well. Well, we didn't get them because of mice, but they sure do keep an eye on things!

I get those same spam e-mails. Here I thought I was special.

My penis IS small, so small in fact that I am a girl. I think if I enlarged it, C. would be upset. He prefers being with a girl.

Love the sign!

sharah said...

Speed humps are a big thing around here -- I never realized that they were a surprise to everyone else :)

Somewhat Ordinary said...

OMG, this brought back bad memories of my senior year in college when my roommates and I caught a mouse that way. We thought the glue would be way more humane. Wow were we wrong-give me a quick regular trap any day. it was agony seeing that little guy stuck on the glue!

I spit coffee out of my mouth when I read about speed hump!

Southern Comfortable said...

That sign is hilarious!

I don't think I could do any kind of mousetrap. I'm not sure what I'd have to do if there were a mouse in my house . . . .

I imagine we'll be getting the Robo-calls in Virginia, too. This primary season has been wild!

Anonymous said...

Your stories cracked me up and made my day. :)

For what it's worth, we caught 3 mice in our kitchen this winter (gross, gross, gross) but I was also simultaneously thinking "ohhh, poor little fella, he didn't know what hit him" and "get that nasty, squirmy, beady-eyed varmit out of my house". Yuck. I think they told their mice friends that they weren't welcome in our home, we haven't seen one since.

moosk said...

cats are definitely a good mouse solution... i don't know how that fits into ahimsa though (or into an allergic household if you have one).

alternatively, i've been told by exterminators that old-fashioned snap traps (with peanut butter as the lure) are actually more humane than glue traps because the mouse dies quickly. sorry you had to see the squirming!

and if you could forward that email -- i'd love to try a brand new baby-maker.

sltbee69 said...

That sign is hilarious! I might have to steal that image and send it to my hubby. teehee. I know what you mean about the spam. My yahoo account has been inundated with it the last week or so. It's crazy! We had mice one time. Thankfully we didn't have use any traps like that. Our cat finally earned his keep. Not a moment too soon because I was tired of trying to calm my scaredy cat husband about a eeny, tiny mouse.

Dianne/Flutter said...

You crack me up.

I too am deathly affraid of rodents. A hamster will not come into my home. I can't see any redeeming qualities. I think that is why I like cats, and small dogs. :) Just call me evil.

Love the sign.

chicklet said...

I need me a sign like that! By the way, I tagged you - not like you don't have enough writing to do already...

katd said...

Oh, you are bringing such painful memories to the surface! :) Our mouse incidents over the summer were so hard for me to handle. Lily spent quite some time in her crib while I was trying to shoo one out the door with a broom. I think I saw that in a cartoon once. :)

And speed hump is freaking hilarious. The middle schooler in me pretty much loves that sign. Speed hump...that's what we do...that's classic. :)

Julia said...

Well, that's funny, because my spam recently said "Baby-maker doesn't grow overnight." Hm....

Bea said...

Speed hump, that's what we do? Oh dear oh dear. The worst part is I thought it was funny. And I totally would have taken photos, too.