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Thursday, January 03, 2008

Two Part Sonohystogram

If you're here for the Creme de la Creme, it's the post below this one. I also have a hotlinked icon in the top left corner of the blog with the date and time of the last update. Entries are still coming in and the list will continue to be updated as new ones are added. Check back frequently...

Night Before:

I've been thinking a lot lately that I'd like to live in a sitcom opening credits--you know, that pre-show theme song where you see the characters going through their zany lives, rolling their eyes as the cat climbs into the coffee pot and they're drinking hairball decaf yet again or crossing their arms over their chest to indicate that they are having yet another argument with their bonehead husband.

Since I can't exist in a continuous loop of crazy antics set to music (yet), I'd like to at least have a theme song that follows me wherever I go, making everyone who interacts with me feel as if they are in a movie.

I've chosen something that is happy and light--I actually heard it for the first time when we went to see Juno yesterday during the independent movie theater's version of the 20. I am still trying to wrap my mind around where I stand with Juno, but when this little Christmas song by Mindy Smith came on, I turned to Josh and said, "this song would be perfect for the opening credits of my sonohystogram."

In order to fully enjoy this post, you should open another copy of my blog in a new tab or window, click on this link, make sure the song is set to "It Really is a Wonderful Life" (second one down on the playlist), click play, and then come back here to hear about the actual saline sonogram.

See, it's nice, right? I know she's singing about being in love on Christmas, but I like to believe that my examination room is filled with love. Love for my husband (who probably will be in the waiting room tomorrow because...I mean, does he really need to see pictures of the inside of my uterus?). Love for my RE. Love for the technology that is going to put a baby in my belly despite my somewhat higher FSH and 9-day luteal phase.

It's the night before the actual procedure and I imagine tomorrow will be like this: blue birds will flit around the sonogram machine, snow will be lightly falling outside the window, we'll all be drinking hot chocolate during the procedure (and I'll get a little teary as I see my fibroid-free uterus. Um...please be fibroid free, uterus), and sparkles will be issuing from the extra large sanitary pad that will be waiting patiently for me in my panties to catch all of that saline solution as it drips out in a three-hour-long pee.

Oh...and this song will be playing in the background as we gaily think as the catheter is inserted that it really is a wonderful life...

The Day Of:

I've been made dumb by iodine.

I had some really brilliant thoughts prior to the procedure--even some saucy commentary on the episode of Martha they were televising in the waiting room about babies and pregnant women (right next to the poster asking parents to refrain from bringing their existing children to the clinic out of consideration for other patients). But I didn't write them down and now it's almost as if the iodine didn't just make my vagina spanking sweet and sanitized, but it also washed away anything I was trying to remember from this morning.

I am a firm believer that procedures would hurt less if my RE strolled into the examination room in his snappy little white coat and said, "Melly, this is going to hurt like a mofo." If he said that, I would brace myself for the pain and say afterwards, "that really wasn't so bad" rather than having it the other way around. He tells me it won't hurt a bit and I say okay and he starts the procedure and I have the cramping. Which either makes him condescending or a liar. Whereas telling me it will hurt MORE than it will actually hurt would make him compassionate or a liar.

I think a good rule of thumb is catheter=discomfort. I have yet to have a catheter threaded through my cervix and walked away saying, "that felt good" or even "I barely felt it." I feel catheters and that could be due to my own uterus and not a fact of catheters. But I'm willing to bet that most people feel some discomfort when something is going through their cervix so I think we can equate catheter to the first rung on the discomfort ladder. In other words, once a catheter comes into the picture, you step up onto the first rung.

Because they're going to also use a speculum and swab around and inject a foreign fluid into your uterus, you can take it up a notch to the second rung. So I would rate the saline sonogram a two out of ten.

It's HSG lite in all respects. It gives you less information from an HSG and it's less painful than an HSG and it's less helpful than an HSG.

And it's now over and I'm home and dripping and trying to concentrate on the work I need to get done. My uterus was fibroid and polyp free. A gorgeous oval. And while sparkles did not issue from the large sanitary napkin already strategically-placed on the panties, I did get to see a tiny black-lake-of-a-uterus fill with twinkling white bubbles as he injected in the saline. My theme song cued up in my head and even though my RE was concentrating on the screen and the sonographer assistant was pursing her lips and doing her best to ignore my cheerful exclamations of "yay!" and "polyp free in 2008!," it really is a wonderful life when you can say hello to your reproductive organs on the small screen.

Of course, my reproductive organs are still reaching for the stars. Today, it's a sonogram screen, but tomorrow, it could be the Silver Screen.

Fade to black...

32 comments:

Jen said...

Whenever a doctor says "you may feel some discomfort," I always equate that to "this is going to hurt like a mofo."

You should get a small music player and play a theme song quietly as you walk around. Quiet enough that people hear it, but aren't sure that it is coming from you. My sister did that with her company Halloween costume this year. She was Harry Potter and the theme music played from under her cloak.

Fertilize Me said...

Hahah i love the themed music idea! Congrats on polyp free in 2008!

lifefromhere said...

Congrats on the lovely ute! I love those good reports. My first SHG was pre-RE and my obgyn had a radiologist do it. Bad idea. It hurt like a mofo and I practically broke by hub's hand. When my RE did the next one, she said "you may feel a bit of discomfort" but it was a complete breeze and done in a flash. (She's a wizard with a speculum.) When I told her about my first SHG, she said deadpan, "yeah, he probably doesn't see many vaginas." I practically rolled off he table. Enjoy your great news and glad you found your theme! ~luna

Kathy V said...

Glad to hear that the uterus is clear of anything that shouldn't be there. Hang in there. I like to assume that the pain will be worse that way when it isn't as bad, it is kind of nicer. Dr Fantastic Speculum should tell you it will atleast be uncomfortable and then you can prepare for much worse.

Beagle said...

Well, I can't think of a better way to start a new year than with a polyp free sparkling ute!

And I NEED to know what you thought of Juno!

(Oh, and the details of the DC meet, that too).

xo
B

Jendeis said...

Hi, I love you.

Need help with a theme song. My BFF's theme song is the circus calliope. :)

Good job on the no-polyp-ness!

r_is_moody said...

Ok, you seriously need to have a theme song for all of your posts. I loved listening to the song while reading and hearing you say "polyp free in 2008"!!!!

Glad all went well and everything is free and clear.

chicklet said...

Docs have no clue - until you've had a vagina and had these things stuffed up there, you don't know. My catheters haven't been painful, but haven't been "nothing" either so I'm with you.

On the theme of the post though - brilliant.

steinbockfrau said...

hurrah for a great scan. The worst part of my sono hsg was the GUSH of saline that didn't opt to gush until I was stuck in traffic on the way home. blech!

p.s. Most painful part of the Martha show this morning was at the very end. Martha stood holding a baby with lots of Moms & babies around her and she pined for a grandchild and said something like, "Alexis! Hurry Up!" I'm sure her daughter just loved that.

nancy said...

Heh. Congrats on the clean Ute!

I got my own HSS postponed until Tuesday. It'll be my, um, 4th HSS? I think? Which thank GOD they did, because after 3 HSGs, that first HSS showed my issue. And comparitively speaking, I'd get 0 HSSs before an HSG again. Yuck.

So congrats to you and cross your fingers for me. I want to be signing the same happy phrases as you were able to do after yours in a short 5 days. :)

sltbee69 said...

I'm glad to read that you are fibroid and polyp free Mel. Keeping positive thoughts that the next test yields just as good results.

Caro said...

Hooray for a great scan.

Dianne/Flutter said...

YAY Polyp free in 2008! Beautiful Mel, beautiful....wishing you good little ones. :)

Dreamer4agift said...

woohoo for polyp free!!! Yay!!

Love the theme song. Maybe you could put in on an mp3 player/ipod/whatever works and listen to it while dealing with procedures. Then at least you can enjoy the idea of it...despite what's happening. I don't know, maybe that's just me.

Now I'm off to find a theme song for myself....hmm, where to start...

baby~amore' said...

congratulations on the new uterus ... that was brilliantly written. I wish all gynae procedures had soft music playing throughout and the truth be told upfront about catheters up the black hole, speculums et all included.I had fibroids,a septum and blocked tubes and HSG was worse pain ever.

Ellen K. said...

Totally agree with the assessment of "HSG lite." I had a lot more spotting after the SHG and felt dirty for days, and not in a good way.

Sunny said...

Woot to clean insides! Hugs to the crappy pain IF brings.

Flicka said...

I read this entry aloud to Sarge and we both had a good chuckle, especially about the catheter=pain part. We had fun remembering all the good times at my HSG a few years ago. Ahhhh...

Congrats on polyp and fibroid free tho! Hooray! It really is a wonderful life. And if your hoohahooterus starts appearing on the silver screen, you know I'll be there with popcorn.

Flicka said...

PS~ D.C. meet?

Meghan said...

Congrats on the spankin clean ute!

And I was in another waiting room across town listening to that Martha episode...uggg.especially the end when she said she couldn't wait for grandbabies. That has to make the daughter going through ivf feel great!

Polyp-free in 08! That is a bumper sticker I'd put on my car

Meghan said...

Congrats on the spankin clean ute!

And I was in another waiting room across town listening to that Martha episode...uggg.especially the end when she said she couldn't wait for grandbabies. That has to make the daughter going through ivf feel great!

Polyp-free in 08! That is a bumper sticker I'd put on my car

Jess said...

Glad your uterus is still going strong! Yay for a good report!

:)

Lori said...

Hello, Sparkles!

It's now confirmed. You're as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside.

Michell said...

Fantastic on your polyp and fibroid free uterus. Glad the sonohistogram is done. It always amazes me though that they expect us to do all this crap without good drugs.

Denise said...

Congrats on the great results! I agree, they never seem to manage our pain expectations well.

Some friends of ours like to talk about our "at-bat" songs. Like how professional baseball players have a certain song they like to have played loudly through the speakers as they are walking up to home plate at bat. A particular conversation came up at work one day about what would be your at-bat song. I decided to have 2, one was "I Want Candy" by Bow-Wow-Wow and the other was "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister. I would use one or the other depending on the mood I was in that day at work. For some reason, most of us chose songs from the 80's as our at-bat songs.

Your post about songs with opening credits reminded me of the at-bat song game. Maybe I'll start picking at-bat songs for different procedures. Sounds like fun!

waitinginline said...

Congrats on the great results!

Yeah, I was told I would feel "minor cramping" for my endometrial biopsy and a "little pinch" for my colposcopy. I tend to not believe my doctors when it comes to issues of pain, anymore. Oh well!

christina(apronstrings) said...

i really think they should have to be infertile themselves. because, based on their comments, they clearly have no idea of what it is like. physically or emotionally.

i am glad that everything is purty. hey, that's something else we have in common, picture perfect ute's.

onward!

Samantha said...

Glad it looks smooth and polyp-free in 2008!

I am also interested to know what you thought of Juno.

Jennifer said...

Thumbs up for great results - even if it was a painful ride! I hate those damn catheters...you're right, there's nothing comfortable about 'em!

deanna said...

Oh-so-neato!!! I loved reading your happy non-polypy news with Your Song playing along in the background. I'm all teary, for no particular reason except that I'm happy for you and that song is so damn sweet and happy. Ah. =)

LJ said...

OMG - I could totally be your music maven! Such a good idea.

Julia said...

I am way late to this, but I wanted to say congratulations on sparkling clean reproductive organs.