To pee or not to pee pre-beta. I mean, on one hand, it's a waste of either $17 for the peestick (unless you've gotten the cheapie Internet sticks) or $20 for your copay or some random amount for blood work if you have no insurance coverage. If you're pregnant, you don't think twice about this waste of money to run a test after you know the answer, mostly because this second test not only answers yes or no, but provides you with more information. But if you're not pregnant, it smarts to know that you could have purchased a 15-minute seated massage for the cost of having your heart broken a second time. I mean, truly, the negative pee stick is the heart breaker. The beta is simply the pair of steel-toed boots kicking the shit out of your heart after it has been already ripped still-beating from your chest.
Not to be dramatic, or anything.
I do pee pre-beta and this is why. The rest of the cycle is so different from anything in the non-infertile world, from the daily injections to the fact that I sometimes have seven different people looking at my hoohaahooterus and none of them are my husband. But learning that I'm pregnant when it actually does work--that's the one thing I still can control. I can still pee on a stick like every other woman in the world (except for the ones who live in peestickless areas), even if I know that the results of a pee stick are at best meaningless (I mean, it only tells you hCG is there, it doesn't tell you how much or if it's doubling or any of those things) and at worst deceptive. Sometimes pee sticks lead me to believe that other things are going to happen--namely, a pregnancy--but that is a post for another day.
I am also terrible at waiting. Sometimes, Josh attempts to avoid talking about my feelings. He will try to put it off by telling me that we will have the discussion "when he gets home." For whatever reason, he does not like it when I call him at work to talk about my feelings if my feelings involve something he has or hasn't done. I then spend the entirety of the afternoon waiting to talk about my feelings which means that I obsess about them at 2 p.m. and 3 p.m. and 4 p.m...all the way to 8 p.m. when he arrives home and I am about to burst from the anxiety. Knowing that we're going to discuss it in the future doesn't allay my need for now. To know right now how things are going to be resolved. I am a big fan of now and not such a fan of later.
Therefore, even if I know that my beta will give me more information and better information later--just as Josh will give my feelings their full attention if I just wait for later--I sometimes would rather just know now. Or have that discussion now. Even if those results or that discussion do not yield the answers I wish to hear. Sometimes the anticipation and waiting are worse than the knowledge. Especially when waiting doesn't actually yield a different result--just a delayed result.
Which is just a very long way of not only musing about peeing on sticks, but my admittance as I enter into treatments again this week that I will be peeing on sticks pre-beta. So Josh should go stock up on them during his next Costco run (he does the Costco runs--I'm too scattered to do well in a store that is that large and that full). I have not figured out yet how to handle the positive and negative discussion that will results from peeing on said sticks. Real people from the real world really read this real blog. And I would love to be able to tell them prior to reading it along with everyone else. I am still trying to figure out the logistics. Stay tuned.
Your thoughts--do you pee pre-beta? Why or why not?
Oh--and I added a poll on the sidebar. Be a doll and answer it for me. The "why" behind the question is coming soon, I promise.
I'm not saying the negatives are easy to see. But if I'm going to hear a negative over the phone, I'd rather learn it myself in the privacy of the early morning pee. It's interesting how everyone has a different way of getting through the sting.