The Daily News

LFCA Latest Issue: Friday, September 25, 2009.

Latest Post on BlogHer: Parenting after Infertility.

My Status: Fed Josh's almonds to the squirrels. They needed them very badly.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Do You Like Green Blilt Squares Like Sam?

Only a handful of submissions?
This will not do
To make this next blilt
For me and for you.

A gigantic blilt of assvice galore!
Just adopt, just relax, vacations and more!

Each square provides a snicker
Or a roll of the eyes.
Then click on the words
For a big blog surprise.

I know you are busy with IVF and adoption
I know you are busy with work and gym options

But send them when you get a
Send them I say
Pass along your assvice
Please do not delay

Perhaps you're scared your words are not clever;
Maybe they've already been submitted by Heather.

But send them, send them, you will see
How amusing it can be
To read advice a second time
(especially if you're having a glass or two of wine).

So do not worry if it has already been said
Do not stress inside your head.

This is a blilt
That is supposed to be funny
To blow away grey skies
And bring back the sunny

So send me your words
Please don't be shy
Just send me a slice
Of delicious advice pie. you get a you send me a square for the next'm having a crappy this-cycle-was-a-bust-and-I-don't-even-need-to-test-to-know-it sort of a day. And not that it should sway you from whatever you're doing, but I'm weepy and hormonal.


Meg said...

The assvice I get all the time......just get drunk and screw

Oh gee thanks :)

Sorry about your crappy day....and the needing not to test I have been there too many times.

Dianne/Flutter said...

So many bits of advice. Mostly from my mother. I love is a mantra I've been saying for years.

One of the worst?

Maybe if you had another husband, you'd get lucky?

Shaking of my head, because I know she loves my husband. But this is also her stupidity in action and want for the problem not to be with me.

Sending you a hug for your bad day.

es said...

Drink wine and eat 5 almonds a day.

This assvice was generously offered by my sister's mother-in-law to me, at the bris of my sister's new baby son. I felt like telling her- that might work- or, you know, the IVF might work better. But I just smiled and nodded.

megan said...

so sorry to hear you are having a crappy hormonal day, Mel. i'm having a similar sort of day, only enhanced by a little bit of cl0mid inspired raging pms this morning! we should pour one another a virtual cocktail. i'm buying!

sariel & shlomit said...

thanks for the new rendition of one of my faves!

"why don't you just stop trying? next thing you know, you'll be pregnant!"

speechless? yah, so am i!

DD said...

Why didn't I know you were in the middle of a cycle? Gah, I am dense.

OK, I'll just give you the advice remarks here in comments rather than an email:

"You could use my sperm...hyuck, hyuck." Obviously not said by my husband.

"Why do you bother?" Gotta love that MIL. Maybe this one doesn't count, but it certainly sounded like assvice.

"Get him some boxer shorts."

"Stop thinking about it.

sariel & shlomit said...

KRAP! i missed your comments about your krappy day...shit shit shit...i have been there and i'm so sorry you're in that space right now...

this might make you chuckle...this is one of my favourite pieces of assvice that i get from my brother-in-law on a regular basis

"Just do it on day 9.11.13 and 15".

yes, he really does say that....frequently?!?!?!


A.M.S. said...

Aw, Mel...I'm sorry you are having a bad day. Those are the suckiest of sucky days. Want to join me on the couch watching M*A*S*H? I've got plenty of salty snacks, a big box of tissue, and a husband whose well trained in the art of waiting on the needy.

{big hugs}

Once I get out of my narcotic haze, I'm sure I can come up with plenty of assvice for the blilt.

Jamie said...

This is hilarious and quite creative. :) Thanks for the laugh!

Sunny said...

Aren't you too clever? :)

Of course I have heard them all but my favorite lately has been,

"Stop having business sex and start making love!"

WHATEVER! You try having sex ALL THE TIME without KY and foreplay. Let's see how much loves comes out of that!

Natalie said...

My favorite is the, "The more you TRY, the less likely it'll happen."

Thanks for making it MY fault we're not pregnant yet. 'Preciate it.

TeamWinks said...

You are so funny!

Cathy said...

Thanks for the laugh!

I think the best assvice I got (not that there's been many people or much time for them to amass) is ...

"Wear lingerie"

Because lace and/or leather OBVIOUSLY has magical tube-clearing properties.

ms. c said...

Great stuff, Mel! How can I refuse a quote when you ask so rhythmically?
Here's mine (and it won't be a shocker):
"It could take three months"
Said by my friend's (obviously out to lunch) husband when I responded to his question of when are we going to have a baby with a mind your own business reply of "working on it". He went on to say how it took them 2 (OMG! call the fertility specialist) months to conceive their second child, so he obviously knows what it's like to "try".
(For the record, though my frined's husband is obviously and idiot, my friend has been nothing short of supportive. We love our friends, too bad we can't always pick their husbands for them.)

ms. c said...

oh, Mel! sorry about the crappy day. I (like everyone else) totally understand. We are here for you!!

chicklet said...

Sorry your day sucks. I never know what's worse - not knowing the cycle blew chunks and having that stupid bit of hope, or knowing the cycle blew chunks and having the hope already be gone. Hang in there. It doesn't get any better, but there are better days at least thrown in.

Nicole said...

So very sorry about your crappy day. I wish I could be there to buy you a drink.

"Just have lots of sex, lots of debt, and lots of problems."

Hmm, I have all three, now what I am doing wrong here?

Rush said...


Your post made me laugh out loud-- and then my husband came over, and it made him giggle-- really! We are Dr. Seuss fans all the way. Anyway, I keep thinking I'll write a blog, but then I think I could never be as funny and thoughtful as so many of teh ones out there, so I can't actually participate in the blilt. I do have an e-mail a friend sent me.... no hello, how are you doing, thinking of you, just a link to a news story about a "procreation vacation."

Um, thanks.

That friend is no longer in the inner sanctum or confidances, needless to say.

Anyway, sorry about the bad day. If AF is slated to arrive, hope it does so quickly.

Paz said...

I always loved this one: Have you tried speaking to your gynecologist about the trouble you are having?

Sorry about the cycle, hope you're wrong about it though...


Knock Me Up said...

Sorry to hear you are having a gloomy day but thank you so much for your inspiring post. I've heard all the standard ones like "stop trying so hard and it'll happen" "stop stressing so much cause you are making it worse" "you don't really think acupuncture is the answer do you?" or finally "you really should just go ahead and adopt because then you'll automatically get pregnant"

Oy! How depressing. Feel free to use any one you want. I wish I had something more original.

Feel better and take care of yourself. I'll join the line up to buy you a drink at the Virtual Lushary if you'd like.

mary said...

One of my favorites: Get a big bottle of wine and have sex in the bathtub (didn't know drunk spermies swim better in bubbles???)

Said by the same clueless (former) friend: Buy the big box of tampons at Costco.

And everybody's favorite : Just STOP trying and it will happen.

Sorry your day was yucky. Thanks for making us smile even when your day sucked.

Mary Ellen and Steve said...

I am so sorry that you are having a hard day. *Hug*

I don't have anything original. I have been told several times to "stop trying and then it will happen."

Adrienne said...

Damn, I'm sorry Mel. Maybe it's just me, but I think there's an awful busted-cycle zeitgeist floating around the IF blogosphere the last two weeks or so.

As for the other...The assvice I've gotten is so trite and overused that I hesitate to even mention it here, but I keep hearing it OVER and OVER and OVER again from friends and family: "Why don't you guys start adoption proceedings?" And I'm in such a bad place these days that it's starting to sound like good advice.

Shelby said...

I"m sorry you're having a crappy day!! At least you can pour yourself a glass of wine, or a cocktail?

The advice I keep getting, and don't want to hear:

"You should be happy with what you have"

This is mostly from my mother, and a few others. Yes, I may have one daughter, and I may be greedy for wanting a house full of kids, but I don't care! My daughter needs to be a big sister, one way or another.

Aurelia said...

"Have you tried acupuncture?"

"What about chinese medicine?"

If the person saying this wasn't a Dr. I'd have punched him myself.

And I'm sorry about the cycle...details please, you aren't just here to draw us funny pictures! We would like to give you support as well, y'know and if you don't tell us each and every bit, how can we?


Pamela Jeanne said...

I'm in a blue funk, too. Misery loves company, huh? Okay, since some of the classics have been taken, I'm going to reach back a few years to this assvice first demonstrated on LA Law: Prop your buns up on a pillow ...

Bea said...

I hope the hormones settle. The weepiness, in its own time, but the hormones just add insult to injury.

Assvice: "You should get a second opinion from *my* doctor."

Thanks. I'm glad you're here, because I really can't look after myself as well as you can.


thirdtimelucky said...

Sorry you're having a bad day. Virtual wine hugs and chocolate on their way.

Oh and apart from what I emailed I've also had "just stop trying" um how exactly?


Jackie said...

Mel, sorry to hear of your crap cycle. I'm in the same boat...will we ever get to shore?

I've gotten all the classic assvice multiple times from "Stand on your head after sex" and "Just stop thinking about it and it will happen" to "God has a plan for all of us". But I have received one really strange and unique "tip": "Hon, have you ever considered seeking the white light?" A person, very dear to me, was suggesting I see a medium. Why? I'm not sure, but perhaps I need to speak to the spirit of my future child and BEG it to enter my womb...whatever. To each their own, I guess.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm late on this one, but I hope your day got better and that today is great! It looks like you got a lot of great answers and hopefully I'm not too late.

My neighbor is was unaware at the time about my infertility and told me and one other childless woman that her best advice for getting pregnant is "after sex stand on your head." She claims after months of trying that the one time she did that was the time she got pregnant. P-A-H-L-E-A-S-E

Mindy said...

Soooo sorry about your crappy day.
My favorite advice came my friend who happens to be a doctor. She suggested I go to a particular clinic at which she'd worked for one summer prior to going to medical school. "It's the best one around." I loved it. This is not her area of medicine, she is unfamiliar with the other clinics or docs in this area, yet she insinuates that I should change doctors. I love mine, by the way, AND the nurses AND the office staff. Somehow I did manage to refrain from responding with "bite me", but it was a big effort!

dmarie said...

I hope you have a much better day today :)

Ok--even though my mom knows that we're dealing with MF she says to me last Christmas:
"No wonder you can't get pregnant. Look how fat you've gotten! You need to just lose weight and it will happen."

Nice one, right? No wonder we live in different states.

Piccinigirl said...

OMG, that was amazing, I loved the poem. It made my day.

um, I am sorry about this cycle. I hate thinking of you sad and hormonal. I will send chocolate if necessary or hugs or pillows...whatever you need.

I've gotten tons of assvice, most of it is on here. My mother likes to say things to me like:

(I'll tell her we can "try" next week)

"what does TRY mean? SCREW your brains out, ENJOY your husband , the rest will come".

honestly , now that we have been OUT of the closet so long we don't get much assvice anymore, just quietly questions and assurnaces that we are being prayed for.

but like many other women, the one that never fails is :

"you are simply trying too hard, you just have to let go and it will happen"

Chris said...

Did y'all know that taking your temperature everyday is what actually gets your pregnant? I didn't either. I've gotten:

"take your temperature everyday - it worked from my friend"

"just relax" - from mom

"it'll happen when you're ready"

"you need a less stressful job"

"maybe you'll get lucky and they'll switch the sperm before your IUI" - awesome, huh?

Mel - I'm so sorry this cycle is a bust for you.

Tina said...

Oops... Posted this on the other comment area below... Duh!

* Words for the blilt: Stop trying (to conceive) and just do it


* My neighbor point blank asked me when we were having another child. Apparently my usual direct approach of "We have been trying and we have had a few setbacks" wasn't received loud and clear - she told me to stop trying and just do it. Well, hell! It just doing it was all it took, then I would have my own pack of wolves by now!!

A.M.S. said...

For the blilt - "Have you tried clomid? Worked for my sister."

A.M.S at

For the unraveled blilt - I've gotten suprisingly lucky on the assvice front. I think most of the people we've told are either afraid of me or have been through IF in one form or another. I did however get the following tidbit, after explaining to someone that we were getting ready to try IVF after a year and half of other treatments.

"Have you tried clomid? Worked for my sister."

Because certainly I would jump directly to stabbing myself with needles daily, being hugely bloated, having minor surgery, and everything else without first learning all of the alternatives and trying as many as made sense. I barely managed to bite my tongue to explain that yes, we did five cycles of clomid, two of which were IUIs, plus two IUIs with injectables before getting to this point.

S&C said...

LOL and SO creative!
love the Green Eggs and Ham Pics!! Thats kinda our thing LOL

Reproductive Jeans said...

Sending my hugs for your crappy day...

Mine is not original but it fires me up every time:

Just give your body time to relax and it will happen.

Sarah said...

oh my gosh the dr. suess thing is TOO good, who would ever guess you were having a down day? i hope you find yourself on the upswing of the infertility rollercoaster soon.

worst assvice i ever got:

"do upside down bicylces afterwards"

from my husband's boss, no less.

mandolyn said...

I'll submit something, I promise.

And seriously, if you can come up with that Suess-y stuff while your weepy and hormonal, then I'm even more amazed than usual. Seriously.

Sarah said...

oh and am i inferring correctly from your comment to bea that you're my neighbor in DC?

Elizabeth said...

I have two "favorites" but one's not really advice:

"God will honor your desire to have a baby." See? Not "advice," per se, unless you count the implied "just trust God." What if God thinks I'd be a crap mother and decides to withhold children from me to spare them the pain? (That's what I would do if I were god) (not really)

The other "fave" happend at a family reunion, when the man who is married to my aunt (I refuse to call him my uncle as I lay no claim to the man) asked "so when are you going to have kids?"
I said, "uh, we're working on it."
He said, "well, I have got a great book for you," with a meaningful waggle of the eyebrows (so, you know, it probably wasn't a woman-authored index on IF...probably the kama sutra) then he said something about "your husband's pants" but honestly I didn't quite catch what because of the ringing in my ears.

In 10 words or less, my contribution for the blilt:
"Just trust God"

Elizabeth said...

Oh - another one - although I took this one more gracefully as it came from a former SQ who is a good friend: "well whatever you do, don't stress out or it (IUI) will never work. Do yoga, do something, just don't stress." On that advice, I actually did re-engage morning yoga and even started doing evening yoga/meditation because I figured it couldn't hurt and it could actually be good for my general sense of well-being either way.

Michell said...

Sorry about the crappy day.
I think the best(worst) assvice I ever got was when talking to an aquaintance and mentioned that I was planning to TTC was "don't bother with the insemination/frozen sperm, just go out to bar and pick someone to sleep with. Yeah, cause the worry of HIV/Hep B/Hep C and all the other possible diseases is really no big deal.
Am I supposed to put my blog address and stuff here too?

FattyPants said...

I'm sorry you are having a bad day. I'm also not sure what order to put all this in so heres the worst assvice I ever heard

"You should try smoking crack and wearing a pink tube top"

That is the wisdom from my 16 year old niece who noticed a pregnant prostitute. She was trying to help me feel better...but still.

I like your poem, it made me smile.

Carlynn said...

I am so sorry you are having a crappy day. I wish I could send over a cake or something.

My favourite assvice is:

You're just thinking about it too much. Stop being so obsessed, it's probably creating a block.

Gee, thanks. I feel much better now.

Beagle said...

Lately for me, it's a loud chorus of "Now that you're adopting you'll probably get pregnant."

If everyone knows someone this has happened to, where are all these pregnant adoptive parents??

Rachel said...

Mel, I hope today is a better day for you.

For the blilt: God is just making sure you are prepared.

Unraveled: My mom told me the DAY AFTER my miscarriage that my husband and I are so laid back that we will probably have a hellian and God just wanted to make sure we are prepared. Then she told me over and over, "This too shall pass." I love my mom but she was not very comforting.

My dad who was very uncomfortable tried to comfort me by saying that he didn't know how to comfort me, then he said, "I don't have much experience with this, your mom was always very fertile." Thanks dad!


Barely Sane said...

Sorry you are having a bad day Mel. Hope it gets better.

I've had the same assvice as everyone else: "dont think about it" "have you tried a vacation?" "just get a good bottle of wine" and most recently "now that you've adopted you'll get pg for sure" (I bloody hell hope not! One is enough right now thanks)

But by far, the most annoying comment was from my sister: "you're too busy right now anyway" and after telling me that, she launched into details of her first u/s for her first child while I sat on the other end of the phone and cried.

Stacie said...

I'm sorrry about your lousy cycle.

Ann said...

I'm late responding to this. I've never gotten much advice, but by far the weirdest I've heard was the offer to rub the belly of my friend's pregnant sister-in-law (!) - who I'd never met before. Um, awkward! Apparently my friend had rubbed someone's pregnant belly and got pregnant that month. Normally she was very supportive, but that was just strange.

So sorry about the stupid crappy cycle.

Coffeegrl said...

Love the poem - hate the bust...

Samantha said...

The advice I got recently that really irritated me, especially as it was when I was trying to have a serious conversation on my fears of adoption. "Once you start the adoption paperwork, you'll get pregnant."

asheggy said...

Sorry for my delay in submitting

I could write a book filled with all of the usual “assvice” relating to IF (and now adoption) so here’s our most “bizarre offer” todate. My DH receives this on a regular basis from the guys he works with.

“Let ME put a load in your wife for you”

Yeah right. Like THAT would fix everything. (gag)