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Latest Post on BlogHer: Parenting after Infertility.

My Status: Fed Josh's almonds to the squirrels. They needed them very badly.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Thank You Oprah For the IVF

Last night, I dreamed that I was on Oprah. But I had to multitask so I could complete my film for the International Infertility Film Festival in time. So I brought a laptop on stage, and I was sitting in one of her squashy chairs, talking about my hoohaahooterus and colouring in pixels by hand (a side note--in real life, for some reason, my Microsoft Paint program sometimes makes me go in and add colour pixel by pixel. Which is what I was doing for two hours last night before bed).

Me: Yes, Oprah, one of the problems facing most stirrup queens is the lack of fertility treatment coverage. If insurance would cover injectible medications in the same way they cover Viagra, IVF would be accessible to many more people.

Oprah: (imagine her words in that Oprah sing-song like voice where she gets louder and softer and her voice rises and falls without any meaning) Weeeeeeeeeeeeell, Melissa...We. Have. A. Surprise. For. You. IVF is currently one of my favourite things! FAVOURITE THINGS! And to celebrate how much I love IVF, we are going to pay for the 4-tries, shared-risk program at your fertility clinic! Aaaaaaaaaaand, we are going to pay for 10 more stirrup queens to get KNOCKED UP!

Me: (furiously adding colour to the pixels and not even looking up at Oprah) This rocks. Thank you so much Oprah.

At this point, everyone is looking under their seats in the audience and they're pulling out filled syringes.

And then I woke up.

Oprah is buying me 4 tries at IVF at my clinic.

She loves IVF just like she loves croissants from Williams Sonoma and Lovely by Sarah Jessica Parker.

I think this is the point where I need to reiterate that it was a dream or Oprah's List Keepers hunt you down and threaten you for infringing on the purity of The List.

I will leave you with these stills from my submission to the International Infertility Film Festival (which starts March 31st). Even though I have no musical abilities and I've never made a cartoon, I told Josh that we needed to do a musical cartoon. I thought, the harder the better.
This is a scene where our infertile Myrtle is stuck between a pregnant chickie and a new mother

This is where infertile Myrtle becomes the newest intern on Grey's Anatomy

Here, infertile Myrtle learns how to fly a plane side-saddle (she is very talented)

Lastly, infertile Myrtle gives a concert at Carnegie Hall (I told you that she was talented)

Want to see the film in action, complete with music and special effects? You'll need to wait until the 31st when Bea kicks off the International Infertility Film Festival.

But what are you doing reading my blog? You should be combing your own blog for entries to add to the emoblopedia! Little Emo-Blo is finally getting fat with entries. Soon, she will need a new format to make her more user friendly. Spread the word, take the Microsoft Paint icon for your own blog (how much do I love Microsoft Paint? I think my film is really an ode to Microsoft Paint more than it is a loving tribute to the advice I receive about dealing with infertility) and keep sending links. I am adding them as quickly as possible and they usually go up within 24 hours (or even sooner).


TeamWinks said...

Well, thank heavens I was in the audience! Whooohooo!

Sunny said...

HA I just loved this!

Elizabeth said...

The thing I most adore about Infertile Myrtle, aside from her completely charming smile, are the bows in her hair. :-)

Bea said...

I can't wait to see your entry! (You always been an over-achiever? Those look great!)


Southern Comfortable said...

Too funny. Though I must admit, I really don't like Oprah. If there's a person on earth more full of herself, I'd like someone to point her out to me.

Of course, if she started handing out free Follistim and Gonal-F, I might have to revise my opinion.

Tina said...

LOL!!! Infertile Myrtle sure gets around, now doesn't she???

katd said...

Hee hee:) That is too funny. Infertile Myrtle is quite a looker.

Aurelia said...

Oh Mel, this is so ironic given that Oprah is infertile and refuses to discuss it, and that she herself had a premature baby who died shortly after birth.

A baby that she never has talked about on her show, even ONCE. No name, no recognition of it's existence. She once confirmed it on an episode of Biography I saw live, but you can't buy that episode for sale anywhere. (I've searched for years.)

She will discuss miscarriage and IF in a generic sense but nothing personal, meanwhile she has revealed everything else about her life. Why not this?

I'm waiting for the Kitty Kelley book to come out to see what she can find out.

The whole thing is slightly bizarre.

aah0424 said...

Cool dream! Can we all be in the studio audience that day? You know how she usually fills her Favorite Thing audience with a studio full of teachers or disaster survivors and they get all of the favorite things, too!!

By the way, I love Myrtle and can't wait to see your film!

Jess said...


Seriously? I have long wished that Oprah would do a bit about infertility, and more importantly, about the fact that infertility can affect ANYONE of ANY AGE. And about the sinsitivity of te subject. AND miscarriage. Can't forget that.

I have even thought about CONTACTING Oprah's show about myself. At 21 I figured I could be remarkable enough to get on as an infertile who shouldn't be. But alas, I am old old old now and probably past the remarkable age.

Plus, I'm a ninny.

Your cartoon looks hilarious. I can't wait!


I would like to add to the emblo, and am looking soon at a ton of time (I'll be down for the IVF stuff in a week or so) but can I? I'm private now. Will it still work?

megan said...

that is a super-surreal dream. i heart myrtle -- she's adorable!

Chris said...

Myrtle is fantastic! And very well accessorized, of course.

I'm LMAO at your dream. If only!

Minty Fresh said...

Too funny!!

j said...

you know, once I had a dream where oprah was giving away babies like she gave away cars. "YOU GET A BABY, YOU GET A BABY, YOU ALL GET BABIES!!!"


Love that Oprah.

Stacie said...

What a dream. (See, I'm trying to comment even if I have nothing to say other than "I liked your post.")

Rachel said...

You dream was funny!

Speaking of Oprah, she is requesting miscarriage and stillbirth stories.