I'd rather have the restaurant meal. To me, it takes just as much thought (if not more) to call up someone who's in a rough place in life and ask them exactly what they'd like as it does to make something by hand. Doing that somehow tells me that they care more about doing something I'll actually appreciate than just something to make themselves feel better about "helping" me.

Helping out by rushing over with a meal is something I know only from American movies.

By the way, what on earth is tuna casserole? That seems to be the tradtional dish to rush over with.

I'd rather have the restaurant meal - to me, if someone thought to ask that - that would send an even more powerful message of thoughtfulness than a home-cooked meal. Of course, if a friend came by and dropped a home cooked meal, I'd appreciate it, but probably not as much.

I'd rather have my friends go the homemade route - when I'm stressed and upset, I'm not usually hungry. I'd feel bad asking someone to spend money on something I probably won't eat. Still, I wouldn't say no to either. Having any food, be it homemade or take out, would ease my mind to know my guys are fed. Of course, none of us are picky eaters and that makes a difference too.

I do like the idea of calling to ask what food is best to bring - if I'm trying to make someone's life a bit easier by providing food, it's good to know I'm bringing something they actually want.

See that's it: would you rather I showed up at the door with whatever you requested in your last comment or would you be thrilled if I showed up with a big, steaming pot of Angolese peanut stew :-)

It does depend on the person--my mother knows me well enough to know what would be a good thing to make. But what about church or synagogue groups that want to step in and help? Usually, you're making the food for a complete stranger. Our twin group has a Sunshine club that does this. I never know the person for whom I'm cooking.

I don't know--is this an American thing?

It depends on who's giving. If it's a little old lady on my street, it's the thought that counts. If it's someone I know at all, the restaurant meal. I'd rather my work or my church or whatever all went in on some restaurant meals than had people bring food over for a week. I'd rather a close friend coralled my pals into a plan than some home-made meals arriving haphazardly at my door. That said, I rarely know enough people to have this type of 'problem'.

Tuna casserole is so, so gross sounding. As far as I know it, it's a mix of mac 'n' cheese, tuna, and frozen peas that some moms make for their kids. I've never seen an adult eat it, and I've only seen it made (and eaten) once.

Normally, I'd welcome any kind though or effort on my behalf. Even Angolese peanut stew. I might even try to eat it.

But recently, having been not very well, and very tired, and just generally in ENOUGH ALREADY mode, I think I have inadvertantly released my inner Picky Bitch. To the extent that if anyone does anything for me (cooking, the dishes, hanging the laundry), and doesn't do it as well as I would do it, or in the same way I'd do it, I resent them bitterly for wasting my time (as I inevitably feel compelled to do whatever it was all over again). And I am getting ridiculously picky about food, even about food that normally I would eat and not mind eating.

I don't know if I like myself very much just now.

I owuld equate the amount of love with the amount that the person bringing said meal actually got it right.
For examle, if you really knew and loved me you would know two very important things about me: 1. I do not like surprises; and 2. I am ver finicky about what foods I love.
Therefore, ultimate support would be calling me up and asking what you can do for me, and then do exactly waht I ask. But all those who know me well would certainly know that the veal parmigiana from the restaurant around the corner is my absolute fave. Hands down, better than KD even. So coming by with that? I would be one grateful (albeit stressed/sad/exhauseted) friend.

If it were close friends or family I wish they would ask me where we wanted dinner from and what we wanted. Certain people know just the right thing to do though. On my last bedrest a close friend called and said she was going to my favorite gelato place and asked what flavors I wanted. Two other close friends dropped off soup, salad and bread from a favorite resturant which was great for me, but no so much for my husband. If I am making food for people I don't know really well (especially other teachers at school) I always suggest making something like muffins or banana bread. Something to munch on, but not a whole meal. Come on, who doesn't appreciate homemade chocolate chip cookies? (and if you don't eat them you can always put them out when people come to visit you. I hate not being able to offer others something when they come to my house.

I think a combination of the two would be the best. Maybe a gift card for a restaurant that offers carry out or delivery along with a homemade sweet. Chocolate chip cookies? Brownies? That way if I already have dinner planned I can use the card another night and I will still feel like you put some thought and time into the homemade portion.

In response to your question from Friday about favorite comfort foods I have several. My number one is peanut butter. That has always been my go to food for stressful and exciting occassions. Everything big in my life (like my wedding) has involved a PBJ so I try to always get one in on the day of transfer.
Other things -- beef and noodles with mashed potatoes (more of a Southern food) and homemade milkshakes and smoothies always seem to hit the spot.

My favorite smoothie (it's low cal too!)
1 cup skim milk
8 whole frozen strawberries
1 Tbsp. fat free sugar free vanilla pudding mix

Blend and serve! Yum!

Depends on the restaurant and/or the cook. I have a friend who thinks that she is the best cook in the world. She's not. I'd rather not eat from some restaurants.

To answer your question I think that my chances are better with the restaurant. But, I love trying food, from people who really know how to cook. But, then the guilt thing can be huge. It's too much energy to pretend to like the food and eat it, if I don't like it. Then, there is the added dilemma, if you make a friend feel too good, she might want to do it again.

The restaurant choice is definitely safer.

Ok, to me, it's not so much which is right...

It shows more love to me to be willing to understand and KNOW what I want, even if it takes asking. If you care SO MUCH that you'll call and ask what I'd prefer, that, to me, means you really care.

So weather you call and end up coming with a homemade dish of whatever-it-is-you-make-that-I-am-craving-and-love or if I say "no company now, thanks, please order something, or even "no thanks, but it was so cool of you to call", or EVEN if I can't even answer and hubby has to TELL them that, it's the thought, it really is. And rushing over with something homemade that you don't know if I like at all, that's not thought.

And that's not someone who KNOWS me or even CARES to know me, which means....that person has no place to even be IN my life when it's falling apart, anyway.

So it's the thought, I guess, but in an abstract way. In a no-accident-peer-ers sort of way.

I'd rather just a plain phone call with warm wishes/thoughts, etc.

If a home -cooked meal arrived, and it was something about like the peanut stew, I'd feel guilty as all get out, and a bit annoyed with myself that I'd inevitably leave it in the fridge so long that it was no longer an act of kindness and more like a freak science experiment. My husband and I currently struggle with this phenom over leftovers from family get togethers.

We've gotten to where we've realized that just graciously accepting whatever is being given and moving on is the best way to go, but damn - I feel guilty throwing it in the trash a week later!

It's a bit like that prized stuffed animal that you had when young that you stumble across in a box in the attic 30 years later. You can't quite bring yourself to throw it away, because, your, well, afraid that you'll hurt its feelings!!!!

And as to the restaurant alternative, I'd be hard-pressed to divulge what I'd really like, for fear that it would be more than they were planning on spending, and then just deciding would be painful - I have a horrible time with decisions... UGH.

It's not that I don't *appreciate* the thought.

Getting it right always wins. If you're stuck for what to do, you should ask. This goes for food, the comments that come out of your mouth, birthday presents, etc etc.

Friends who knew I was cycling handed me a birthday gift voucher for a sauna halfway through my last 2ww. Now, as it turns out I *did* get to use it - a few weeks later, after my second beta showed the pregnancy wasn't viable and my brief bout of morning sickness had cleared up. I didn't enjoy it. I knew I should just be grateful, but in the end I felt compelled to point out that it just wasn't a good choice. I did it nicely, I still felt like an ungrateful bitch, at the time I was borderline unable to care.

I just feel like, in moments of crisis, if it's "the thought that counts" that thought should be "I really need to make sure what I do *is* helpful, even if that means I have to ask".

Of course, you don't want to spend forever finding out. There are no doubt some very simple questions you could use to make the process efficient and untaxing for all parties. I feel these should be yes/no questions. Asking "what do you want me to do for you?" is difficult to answer when life's kicked you in the gut. "I was thinking of doing X - would that help?" is better. Repeat until you hit "yes". Most people can muster a mute nod even in the depths of despair.

Bea

But, which echoes previous commentors, if the person bringing you food is not close, and they are going well above and beyond the call of duty as far as your relationship goes, they get slack. Unless they've been in the situation themselves, in which case they should know better. And unless they're an organised group, in which can they should be better organised than that.

Yes, I'm a demanding ungrateful bitch, too. I cover this up a lot in real life.

Bea

My mother believes that if someone does something for you or gives you something you should appreciate it no matter what, even if someone makes seafood pasta for someone who is allergic to seafood. Personally it would seem like added work for the exact reason you mentioned in the post, now they’re stuck disposing of the meal, washing the container and still hungry.

I would much rather be asked what I would like. I am not so picky as require a certain recipe but then again I can’t eat anything with a lot of salt, onions and oil so maybe it would be easier if I did specify. Ordering a meal of my choosing from a restaurant I chose would be great a great alternative. When I make food for others I always ask, they may love one of my signature dishes at a dinner party but may need some mac&cheese for comfort. You just never know.

But honestly I would prefer if they would take my dogs for a walk or play with them for a bit. Although I love to cuddle with the dogs when I am in need of comfort, they otherwise get ignored during those times.

Restaurant meal.

When my father was dying, people kept bringing us food, and we never ate it. It was such a pain in the ass. We'd TELL people not to bring food, we would explain our reasons in great detail, we would tell them things that would be more helpful, and they'd bring food anyway.

I know I'm supposed to look back on this benevolently and say that they meant well and shit, but mostly I look back on it with great annoyance and think "Goddamn, that sucked."

I'd rather have something they know without a doubt that I'd like. From a restaurant, from home - I don't care. But I'm a seriously picky eater. My best friend knows this, but tends to make me things that have spices - which I won't eat and usually end up feeding to DH. :) Call him, ask him...he'll know exactly what to eat/make for me.

We don't have this custom in Europe. We usually help some other way, a shoulder to cry on, shopping for someone, helping with the kids (if you have any) etc.

But if we did, I'd rather tell the truth and ask exactly what I need before they go and buy it for me. Then to me, they really have helped me.

But, if someone just showed up with say a dish I didn't like, I'm a big softy at heart so I'd be thankful for the kind thought and freeze it for when we have friends for dinner :)

I'm going to go against the grain here. In times of stress and/or loss, the LAST thing I want to do is make a choice about what I want to eat from my restaurant. It's too much thinking for me.

Ideally I'd love to have someone show up at my house with something they know I love. For example, my SIL knows I adore her ginger molasses cookies - she'd show up with those.

Or my best friend J might show up with some bread, a good bottle of cab, and a delectable stinky and runny cheese which will make all my problems go away.

Or my husband might make me a huge batch of Annie's mac and cheese.

Or my MIL might come over and make a batch of her spaghetti with meat sauce and garlic bread.

Just don't make me think about what I want to eat. Because I'll inevitably say something like "I'm not all that hungry" when someone asks that.

I would rather have a known restaurant meal, or something homemade that I have approved of... Or something i specifically request.

When I was home after my dauther died, i was also recovering from an extra traumatic c-section. It was late June and hot out. I was craving fruit salad. But the thought of standing up and cutting up fruit was overwhelming.

I think I requested fruit salad a few times, but people seemed to think that wasn't enough like "real food". I know some friends did a pot luck at my house (~8 people total) and someone made fruit salad. But really, i would have been happy with a fruit salad every 5-6 days for the entire summer.

Oh- and we also had way too much lasagna... especially for the summer. I would say that unless someone requests lasagna, try to figure out something else.

I'd rather have chocolate. When I found out that my hard fought pregnancy was ectopic - I found that all I wanted to do was watch movies and eat raman noodles and dark chocolate.

Things I would normally not do. Honestly, Raman noodles - who even eats those anymore!?

And my best friend came over and just sat in the same room as me. But she was the only one that I would allow to do that - but I really needed her close at the time.

I like option 3. Calling and asking what the person would prefer. Mostly because there would be days that I would prefer the homemade and other days that I prefer the restaurant. And by days, I mean days with extreme stress.

Also, I said spaghetti and meatballs and chocolate. I wasn't specific because when it comes to those things I'm really not picky. The only sauce I don't like is Ragu and it isn't chunky which I am specific about. And chocolate, I'm happy with any. (H*rsheys is just as good to me as Godiva. Well, maybe Godiva is better but, I will be happy with either.):)

OH BOY. I've been though this big time. In 2004, I was in the hospital for 3 weeks with a fx'ed pelvis, and the next month dealt with an ectopic pregnancy (conceived before the fracture). I convalesced for well over 3 months and received a crap-load of food I just couldn't even look at, from friends and strangers alike. I felt very loved, but that food was received with an ample portion of guilt for all the stuff I ended up throwing away. There was just something so completely inedible about a cold salad at that time in my life... barf.

I'd rather that someone ask what I want, giving me the choice of having them make something or bringing something from a restaurant or a store. It might have been helpful for me to have a checklist so I didn't even have to think about it - just run down a pre-prepared list and check off what was edible, including hot cinnabons.

Let me preface this with the fact that I am not at all a picky eater--I would eat anything.

For me, different circumstances prompt different answers. During 2ww or after a BFN, I would really treasure the gift of time, as someone has already said. So I would love to go out to my favorite restaurant and have my comfort meal and a comforting conversation with a good friend.

For bedrest or with a new child in the house (via adoption or birth), I would prefer a home-cooked meal, because I have already had too much take out since I am not really able to cook.

When I am dealing with a loss, I would prefer a home-made meal. The fact that someone cared enough to spend time to cook for me would mean a great deal. On our way back from an ultrasound during which we discovered that we lost a pregnancy, we stopped by a neighborhood restaurant, the one we absolutely love, to order take out. Two months later, I still have difficult time even driving by that restaurant, and I can't even imagine ever eating there again and being able to enjoy it. So that's why I would not want a restaurant meal after a loss. It would ruin the restarant for me. I know it sounds goofy...

I feel kind of bitchy with my decision, but I'd rather have the restaurant meal. I don't know that it's the actual food that makes the difference for me, but how it's delivered. I understand the wonderful thoughtfulness and sincere concern of other people, but at those times, other people are the last thing I want to see. I don't want to talk or share. Seeing someone I know will upset me more...I really don't know why that is. I think I've hurt a few people's feelings with that before, but at that point, I really didn't care. Bitchy? Maybe, but I'm ok with it.

So I'll take a stranger (quickly) delivering a restaurant meal that I love.

Just for the record... I didn't have any desire to eat the Angolese
Peanut Stew either... josh

Ok, so I re-read the comments and your post.

The way I'd prioritize it is this:

Best: Favorite foods cooked by people who know me(i.e. my SIL's ginger molasses cookies or my MIL's spaghetti with meat sauce) or purchased by people who know what I love (i.e. melty stinky cheese, wine, and bread from a good cheese store from my friend J)

Better: Restaurant items in which I love - I like Mandolyn's idea of having a list handy so I don't need to make a decision about what I want.

Good: homemade food, tailored to the season (i.e. fruit salad in the summer, warm foods in the winter) which might not be my favorites.

Bad: tuna casserole, that jello salad that people call "ambrosia," and Angolese peanut stew. :)

Restaurant meal, definitely. That or call me up and ask, "I'd like to bring something over, would you prefer x, y, or z?"--and if I say, "nothing, thanks," accepting that I'm not just being polite and I really want none of the above. Food I don't want and would never eat just sits in my fridge going bad and making me feel guilty.

It's a hard call...I've spent plenty of time while on bedrest bitching about how people don't come visit or help or anything. But often people's well-intentioned gestures end up backfiring. Either because they don't take the two seconds to ask about what would be best--like an old friend who came to stay for a few days, and would run out to do these mysterious errands which COULD have been really nice gestures, but ended up annoying because she would, say, buy toilet paper--but totally the wrong kind of toilet paper, a brand my husband hates--or bring back DVDs for me to watch, of Sarah Jessica Parker movies when I HATE SJP. Or, because of my own control freakishness--like how I hate the way my MIL does dishes, so whenever she would try to "help" by cleaning up my kitchen, I would be in spasms of anxiety (justified when I walked into the kitchen to find her scrubbing out my nonstick pans with steel wool).

The best thing ever was when a friend offered to come over for a visit and bring me lunch. That morning, she called me up and read me a bunch of takeout menus so I could pick exactly what I wanted her to bring.

This is why I ultimately decided to hire a postpartum doula instead of relying on friends and family--because I know that I won't feel bad telling someone I'm paying EXACTLY what I want and need.

I'm also a super picky vegetarian, not helped by going on Met. There are days when all I can imagine eating is fruit.

So I would say defintely a call to ask what I would like and, ideally, an offer of a restuarant meal. I bake, alot, so I'm even super picky about homemade goods. But a chocolate bar can never go wrong. The key really is asking.

I'd rather have the restaraunt meal... I would probably kiss the person's feet who delivered it. I'm a horribly picky eater.

I have to answer this strictly in the hypothetical. The one time I've been in a position of being unable to take care of preparing my own food, my mother flew in and stayed with us for a week and left us with a freezer stocked with food. That was wonderful, she knows what I like and cooked accordingly. But, she lives a four hour plane ride away, so that isn't something I can count on.

DH and I don't have any friends/church groups/social groups in the area who would fill that role and the family who live nearby are not the most [ahem] culinarily talented individuals and probably wouldn't bring something I liked, which defeats the purpose.

So, I would say that unless you are someone with a lot of experience with and knowledge of my tastes and eating habits, like my mother, or someone from whom I have repeatedly requested a specialty like a sister-in-law's famous ginger molasses cookies (which, btw, has my mouth watering), I think the restaurant option would be preferable.

I can appreciate the gesture of bringing a home-cooked meal, but if it something I won't eat, it isn't easing the rough place for me.

And I must be in the tuna casserole loving minority!

I'd be ecstatic if anyone showed up with anything. I have NEVER had anyone bring me food but my husband.

I'd like homemade, but then I'm an adventurous eater and I love to try new things.

I do however have this fantasy of someone bringing my mother's homemade chicken and noodles to me when I really really need it.

But again, I don't rate high enough on the scale of anyone I know to bring me food.

I hate to throw out food and I'm a bit of a fussy eater, so I would much rather someone call and say, "I'm having dinner delivered to your house tonight. Can you please tell me the restaurant and your order?" Or call and say, "I know you really liked the pasta I made during that dinner party a few weeks ago--can I bring over a pot of it?"