Just in case you were still guessing how selfish, petty, and small I truly am (as opposed to how selfish, petty, and small Grey's Anatomy insinuates I am), I wanted to clear up all doubt by introducing you to the Stirrup Queen's Sliding Scale of Happiness.
The Sliding Scale of Happiness (otherwise known as the SSH) is how happy I am to hear about your pregnancy. It's the factors that go into my reaction--whether I'm racing to the kitchen to bake you a celebratory cake (with my infertility-induced professional cake-baking mad skills) or smiling widely and then locking myself in the bathroom to cry. And I know I'm small. And I know you're probably rubbing your growing belly and thinking, "she's so selfish. Why can't she just be happy for me?" Well, you answered that yourself. Because I'm selfish. And because I have a sliding scale of happiness. And because you didn't tell me in the way I wanted to be told for maximum happiness floated your way (see my answer to question four).
So how does one rank on my sliding scale? Let's pretend it's a numerical scale from 1 to 10 with 10 being a three-tiered cake, 5 being no-reaction, and 1 being a and-she-sobbed-sobbed-sobbed-all-the-way-home. And I say "let's pretend" because the sliding scale is literally done automatically as if my heart is a cardiac calculator able to compute happiness in a split second. And interestingly enough, perhaps like women who live together and start getting their periods at the same time, my husband's sliding scale clicked into sync with mine during infertility and now when I tell him that someone is pregnant, he either says, "that's great!" or a snarky "good for them" at precisely the same level as my heart registered the information.
SQ and SPJ automatically make it into the 8--10 range. With true dancing-around-the-living-room happiness for the people who have been trying for years, going through multiple treatments, having multiple pregnancy losses, and are now either pregnant or adopting or using surrogacy.
All other people have an actual calculation that takes place. Is something else crappy happening in your life that evens out the playing field? Or are you someone who breezes through all major milestones unscathed and then got pregnant on the first try? And it's terrible, I know. Let's just take a look at celebrities--
Courtney Cox: 9 (IVF and multiple miscarriages AND was upfront about her fertility treatments).
Gwyneth Paltrow: 7 (no problems getting pregnant or maintaining a pregnancy, BUT she just lost her father).
Katie Holmes: 2 (do I really need to explain--y'all felt the same way).
The two Dixie Chicks sisters: 10 (because you did IF treatments AND you had to sing lullabies written by the other Chick to her son--and I know you love him and feel like an aunt to him, but that has to be hard).
Brooke Shields: 9 (just because she didn't do treatments for her second child, she did them for the first and was still had a SQ's mentality during the second pregnancy. PLUS, SQs have a higher rate of postpartum depression than the general population and her book brought a lot of attention to that fact).
Gwen Stefani: 2 (she would have been higher, but she had to announce how it wasn't planned).
And--like Gwen Stefani--your initial ranking may drop if you tell me that (1) you got pregnant on the first try, (2) it was a happy accident, or (3) complain in any way about the timing of the pregnancy or the pregnancy itself. These are things that no one who has been trying for a long time wants to hear. No one truly wants to hear about how easy things are for you because I can guarantee you that the person you are speaking to is struggling with something (if not infertility then something else) in their life.
Many more people clear the bar and rank in the 6--10 range than receive my tears. I mean, how many people can you point to and say they're not dealing with something in some other aspect of their life and deserve something to be easy for them? So those other factors raise their ranking and make my feet start dancing for them. And I'm well aware that someone may be silently battling something--information that I'm not privvy to that would raise their ranking. But like the bitch I am, I say: if you're willing to share all of the ease in your life--the pregnancy on the first try--you should be willing to share the difficulties too.
Oh...and please please please...if you don't want to fall off the scale entirely, don't use the words my co-worker told me: "I know exactly how you feel because it took us three tries and I cried so hard with those first two negatives."
Thud (that was the sound of a pregnant woman falling right off the round number zero).