The Daily News

LFCA Latest Issue: Friday, September 25, 2009.

Latest Post on BlogHer: Parenting after Infertility.

My Status: Fed Josh's almonds to the squirrels. They needed them very badly.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

The Best Date Ever


Love is in the air. It's the lazy days of summer. And the time felt ripe to share with you some of my more memorable dates after my mother brought up the county fair this afternoon (the county fair will feature prominently in one of my stories). I am sure that you have your own memorable date stories too, so cozy up, grab some coffee, and let's start this first installment of memorable date stories (because, yes, I unfortunately have enough to fill about four or five entries if I load at least three per post).

A few details have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

One night, I am talking with a few friends at a bar when the man behind me interrupts.

"You went canoeing today? I love canoeing."

Melissa turns her entire body around to face him. "We do a circuit of Paw-Paw to Hancock every weekend."

We talk for a bit and I give him my number because we've made plans to meet up for canoeing on a future weekend. The man calls a day later--let's call him Aaron--and asks me to dinner. I agree and we go to a nearby restaurant.

"I thought we were going to go canoeing," I say as we sit down.

"Oh no," the man tells me. "I only said that to get your number. I hate being outdoors. Hate it."

"But you told me that you were a were going to give me lessons..."

"Nope, no. I've never been kayaking. I just lied to get you on this date. Do you want to order appetizers?"

I stare at the menu, trying to recover from not only the blatant lie, but the bold admittance of the shameless lie. Somehow the conversation continues and soon he's telling me a story about some frat brothers from college. "...and I feel like I'm completely drunk. Not that I'd actually know what drunk feels like."

"You've never been drunk?" I ask, taking a sip of my drink.

"No. Have you?"

"Sure. I mean. Everyone has been drunk a few times. College? Or back in high school?"

"Oh, Aaron," he says aloud. "It sounds like you're on a date with an alcoholic. How do you feel about this?"

"What? I'm not an alcoholic. I've just been drunk a few times."

"Denial is one of the warning signs, Aaron. It sounds like you have a real live wire on your hands."

"Who are you talking to?" I ask.

"Now she sounds belligerent, Aaron. She's probably drunk right now. She probably had to booze it up just to pull herself together for this date. She'll probably be dead in a few years. Cirrhosis of the liver. This is not the type of woman you want to get involved with; bring home to the family. It's actually very sad."

Aaron looks down at his plate for a moment and looks up brightly. "Let's not talk about alcohol. Let's just get through this date, okay? So, Melissa, what do you like to do at night?"

"At night? I don't drink that much."

"Oh, Aaron," the man says aloud to himself again. "She's still denying it. It's really pathetic. She's a graduate student and she can't even pull herself together to admit that she has a problem. You have to concentrate. You need to get her off this topic. Melissa, I don't know this area very well. Where do you hang out?"

"I don't know. I mean, last night, a few of us went down to the National Cathedral and ran through the garden maze."

"Oh, Aaron," he sighs to himself. "I knew you shouldn't have asked this girl out. What a live wire. A true daredevil. Running around at the cathedral. Trespassing. Probably littering. Smoking joints and drinking alcohol. Doing who knows what else. It's so sad. It's such a shame. She seems like such a nice, Jewish girl but she's just like the others. An alcoholic, littering, live wire daredevil throwing her life around like it was garbage."

"You know," I finally interject. "I don't know if we need to get through this whole date. I think that maybe we should just be satisfied that we tried this and get through the rest of dinner and call it a night."

"Because you need to drink?"

"Because," I agree, "I definitely need to drink."

One evening, I am sitting in Chicago airport, waiting for my connecting flight to DC when the man beside me begins a conversation. He looks a little bit older than me with jeans and a baseball cap. He has also come from Madison and he is flying home to Maryland. We trade seats with other people and sit together for the flight. We exchange phone numbers and he calls me while we're still in Maryland to make a date when we return to Wisconsin.

Our first date is fantastic as is our second. We go out for coffee, take a walk around campus. Casual things. Baseball cap and jean things. Between our second and third date, I am hanging off my bed, talking with him on the phone. "Where have you lived?" John (let's call him John) asks me.

"Maryland. And here. So...two places. Where have you lived?" I ask.

"Well, Maryland. And I went to college at Harvard. So Boston."

"Smartie," I say.

"And then I did my masters work at Yale. So New Haven."

"Oh," I say, suddenly sitting up. "I thought you were a masters student here."

"No," he says. "I got my PhD in Michigan. Ann Arbor. And now I live here--Madison--for my post doc."

"Your post doc," I say. "How old are you?"

"33," he answers.

"Do you know how old I am?" I ask.

"Maybe 21?"

"I'm 20."

"I don't think age is such a big deal," John tells me.

"I'm an immature 20-year-old," I tell him.

"Really," he says. "You're being ridiculous. We've gotten along great. Age hasn't matter until this point."

I mention the age difference to my friends and they start calling him Grandpa. I show up for our third date at a nice Afghani restaurant where he is sitting, sans baseball cap. Completely bald except for a ring of hair around the base of his head. Exactly to where a baseball cap would reach.

"Oh," I say. "You look a lot older without the cap."

"Can you get off of the age thing? We have a lot in common."

"I know," I say, still staring at his bald pate. "But...I mean...what would a 33 year old with several degrees want with a 20-year-old college student?"

"Listen," John says. "I think you're very mature. And we have great conversations. Right? Haven't we had great conversations up until now?"

"I guess," I admit.

"Let's just relax. Order some food. You know, you never finished that story last night about how you knew my parent's neighbourhood in Maryland."

"It's stupid. My ex-boyfriend's grandparents live there. And we used to go over to their house to go swimming."

"His grandparents were my neighbours? Which ones?"

"It's stupid. The Foresters."

"The Foresters!" John says brightly. "Of course I know them. I'm friends with their son. Wait, you dated Fred? Fred Forester?"

"No," I answer, trying to disappear into the menu between the sabzy and kaddo borawni. "I dated his son."

"Fred's kid? Alex? He's a baby."

"He's actually older than me. And we dated for two years. I dated your friend's son."

We both sat in silence for a moment, considering this fact.

"Now do you think I'm too young?" I ask.

I'm on a great first date on the National Mall. We're watching an outdoor movie at Screen on the Green. We've spread out a picnic blanket and we're half-watching the movie, half-talking through the movie. Afterwards, we get back in his car and he starts driving me home. We're stopped at a light and in typical D.C. fashion, a group of protesters are standing close to the Mall. These happen to be Pro-Lifers.

"We should get out and join them," the man tells me. We can call him Adam.

I laugh. "Yeah, sounds like a great idea."

"Do you want to?" Adam asks, turning on his signal so we can get over one lane to park.

"To heckle them?" I ask in confusion. "No. Why would we want to do that?"

"Not heckle them. Why would we heckle them? To join them. To spread the word."

"Oh...wait. No. I'm not. I'm actually pro-choice."

"I didn't know that," Adam says tersely. He turns off his turn signal and begins driving again.

"It's not really first date conversation," I say.

"I actually think it's something very important," he says. "So, yes, I think it's first date material. So, Melissa, I guess this means that you don't care about the lives of poor, innocent babies."

"I do care about babies," I say defensively. "But I also care about each person having a right to say what their body endures."

"And you believe the solution is to allow women to be murderers. Cold-hearted, ruthless, irresponsible murders."

"You know, it always bothers me when men have an opinion about this considering they will never have to carry the child in their body. Until you are biologically equipped to be affected by the situation, I don't know how you have any say. I really think we should drop this topic. Why don't you just drive me home."

He purposely makes a wrong turn and loops back through the Mall several times, passionately explaining why women who have abortions are murders, asking about my reproductive history, and telling me all of the plans he has to work towards overturning any protection afforded to doctors who perform abortions. He rabidly spouts a 45 minute monologue about abortion while I stare out the window. We finally pull up in front of my apartment and I have my hand on the door handle before the car has come to a complete stop.

His voice softens and he smiles for a moment. "The whole abortion thing aside, I had a really good time tonight. Can I call you again?"

"No. Definitely not. Please do not call me."

"A goodnight kiss?" he asks hopefully.

I slam the door.

A few days later, I get an apologetic phone message. He truly is sorry. He was so nervous that night that he couldn't stop himself from going on and on about it. And he didn't even have any strong feeling about abortion in the first place. He totally didn't care. But he was so nervous that he heard himself spouting all of that garbage and he couldn't believe how he drove me in circles around the Mall. Please, could he make it up to me.

I call him back and he apologizes again. He is really really sorry. Did I want to go to the county fair this weekend (see, you were waiting for the county fair to appear). We'd go on the ferris wheel, see some animals, eat some funnel cake. I agree.

That weekend, he takes me to the fair. He buys me cotton candy. We go on some rides. I get to hold a baby rabbit in the 4-H barn. Adam is actually quite sweet. We wander down the fairway and he says, "I have a friend over there. Let me introduce you to him."

We go over to a table towards the back and I am immediately greeted by large posters showing pictures of aborted fetuses. The man behind the table smiles at me and asks if I'd like to get involved in the Right to Life movement. "I just want to save you," Adam tells me as I begin to walk away.

Instead of being saved, I get mono. From the kiss I gave him after he bought me cotton candy.

Achem, your worst date story, please?


I am literally peeing in my pants from some of the stories below. I'm not sure I will ever be able to order Chinese food again with a straight face.

I ended up googling two of the men. The first one who had long conversations with himself all night (Aaron) was in the local paper a few years ago with his wedding announcement. Unfortunately, I can't remember his full name google search beyond that.

Grandpa is a professor in physics at a prestigious American university.

And Adam, perhaps my favourite of this batch (oh, because there are more. There are sooooo many more), has become a licensed social worker and seems to be working amongst teenagers. Of course, he has probably chosen this job so he can ensure that all teen pregnancies under his tutelage carry to term.


Jess said...


Your stories are HILARIOUS! Especially the Right to Lifer and the guy who talked to himself! It's too much to even BELIEVE!

I only ever dated Trav, so I have no stories. He obviously wasn't (too) crazy because I kept him. lol

annacyclopedia said...

Although I just had my first acupuncture treatment and am a bit woozy, plus it's my bedtime, I can't resist jumping in on this one.

Probably the worst date ever was about my third date with a guy who has gone down in my personal history as the crazy cat guy. I'm allergic to cats, and he had two of them. Somewhere between dates one and two, he gave them both to the humane society, where they faced an uncertain future at best and certain death at worst. Then on date three, when we were, um, having some personal time as One Hardy Swimmer likes to say, he told me he loved me. I think my response was something like, "Um, what?" followed quickly by me putting my clothes on and hightailing it on out of his cat-free apartment, never to return. In his defense, he was newly on the rebound from a multi-year relationship, but still. Dude!

annacyclopedia said...

Oh, yeah, I guess I should have explained that I was a bit slutty in my heyday. Thus the getting busy on date 3. But I like to think I was slutty in a good way.

Arpee said...

Aaron is for real??? He is creepy!

Worst date? I'll have to dig and dust off to remember from eons ago!

luna said...

sitting here jaw dropped from date number 3, and laughing with annacyclopedia.

I've been with M so long that I can't even remember my bad first dates. but I know one involved a grateful dead show and a much older guy when I was 20.

SarahSews said...

I think I blocked them from my memory. I know I had them, plenty of them, but darned if I can remember even one in light of your magnificent recanting of yours. The anti-abortion guy sounds terrifying. Yuck!

Amy said...

I once went to see Titanic with a new friend who I thought was gay. He wasn't and he kept trying to hold my hand throughout the movie. It was hard to explain after, "I like you as a friend, and really I thought you were gay. Are you sure you're not?" Yeah...but nothing quite like your pro-life guy!

Rebecca said...

We were sitting in a bus station cafe (I live a glamourous life) when M said "Well. You're really nice and everything, but just not hot like your friend. I'm going to ask her out instead."

She told him where to get off, btw

B said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
B said...

he he

reminds me of a little aussie pop tune with the refrain " I lied about being the outdoor type"

and these two genius lines of poetry

"I can't go away with you on a rock climbing weekend.
What if something's on TV and is never shown again?"

Caro said...

These are great - maybe it's a shame we don't really do dating in the UK.

Jill said...

Wow..... that's all I can say.

I think the only good date story I have is the one where I got caught "parking" on a first date. By the cops. I happened to be on a date with a cop's son. Right.

Mrs. Higrens said...

Wow. Your stories actually make me glad to not had too much of an active dating life before meeting my husband.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

That first story is one of the best I've heard. Unfortunately I married my high school sweetheart, so my dating stories are all pretty lame-o high school dates. I'll just live vicariously through you guys!

anita said...

The pro-life fellow had me laughing so hard that tea shot out of my nose and onto my keyboard.

Thank you Mel for the best laugh I have had in ages.

MrsSpock said...

Ha- I dated a 48 yr old man when I was 23. Got ya beat, Mel!

That said, I went out with this guy once and we had a fantastic time. Talked so much we closed down the restaurant. Walked along the river hand in hand, where he asked permission to kiss me for the first time. And it was the WORST kiss I've ever had. It was like expecting a cool, gentle breeze, and instead getting a Class 5 hurricane. I almost broke up with him, but my friends talked me out of it. He was such a nice guy, and they can be taught, right?

Reader, I married him.

And he couldn't be taught.

Topcat said...

I dated a 63 year old man when I was 24. But it was only for his cocaine stash.


The problem with being an alcoholic and drug addict, is that you don't really have proper dates with people. You 'hook up' ... and then 'hook in'.

But, from the sounds of your lovely 3 examples ... there are psychos in Normalville too!!

ps my word verification is frntbm .... FRONTBUM!

Ellen K. said...

*Spitting out my half-caff*

Those are priceless stories. And I wish I had anything half as good to share. But most of my dates went swimmingly well (being a first-base whore will have that effect), except for the part where the guy never called for a next date. Hmmm, wonder why.

Heather said...

Actually, I think I may just post one on my blog...

Tracy said...

I've had some bad dates, but you take the cake, sister. Too funny...can't wait to hear more.

Vacant Uterus said...

WOW. Wow to all your stories. That is just... I have no words. You win for the worst dates ever! Thanks for sharing! I don't have any stories that will remotely compare but I can't wait to read everyone else's.

calliope said...

brilliant post!
I can so relate.
I once dated a guy that was 22 years older than me and at first it was no biggie. But then every time we went out he would get weird & say things like, "Do you think people think I am your Father??" um...ew

The worst date:
I got set up on a blind date by a friend of a friend. The guy was literally a foot shorter, which I can get past, but the guy would not effing shut UP about what an "amazon" I was. I refrained from retaliating. I'm such a good girl.

So we go in to the restaurant and the guy tells me that he has recently (as in that week) decided to become a vegetarian. Now I was a vegetarian from birth to age 20 and then I branched out to fish. Well I wanted to order fish and the guy went NUTS. Finally he told me that I could order fish but that HE would not be paying for it. Fine.

He began to ask me questions about my family and politics and religion. All bad 1st date topics. It was just awkward and lame on so many levels. Dinner finally ends and I offer up some excuse for getting home early.

He walks me to my car and leans in like he is going to kiss me and I move out of the way and he falls (hard) onto my car. Like it was going to leave a mark. He goes off in a RAGE about how I am some sort of man hater. I bid him good night.

He then calls me twice a day for 2 weeks asking when we can see each other again. I never call back. A few months later I run into him at a party and I over hear him telling someone, "that bitch is crazy! She punched me on a date!"
hah! He wishes!

Vacant Uterus said...

You know what, I lied. I do have a story. After reading the others I feel compelled to tell Mrs. Spock that at 19 I dated a 47 year old doctor. It didn't end well. He was...over-invested in me as a long-term thing. From there I went on to date my 39 year old biology professor. He was yummy. I very much enjoyed that relationship, doomed though it was. And then I dated a jerkface PhD candidate. And then Sarge again (he was a recurring theme).

Doctor Dude? Would not turn on the heat in his apartment in the winter. Said it cost too much. He walked around in eleventy billion sweaters all winter long, depending on the heat from his offic below to rise up and keep him from freezing to death in his bed.

A.M.S. said...

Oooh, I've had a few. I might have to think on this and post it on my blog.

Aaron sounds like a great catch, Lolly! I can't believe you let that one get away. *wink*

Marie said...

Well, I remember my first date EVER involved a big group including a guy named stinky. My dad was the "can't date till your sixteen" kind of dad. We all rode in an extended cab Ford Ranger and went to taco bell..enough said.

No stinky was not my date but stinky he was.

Ally said...

Hee-I know it is wrong to giggle at someone else's horror stories, but I loved them! Thanks for sharing!

My worst date started out quite well. The boy was cute, smart, and fun. We were talking and laughing and having a great time. Until he said, and I quote, "You know what would be great? A threesome with you, me, and my girlfriend."

I laughed. Until I figured out he was serious. I informed him I just wasn't the threesome kind of girl. And then he didn't understand when I said I had to leave. And he continued to e-mail and call me for weeks.

Jen said...

Oh, my goodness, those are some of the best date stories I have ever read.

I cannot add much to this since I only dated one other person before Matt and only went out with him a couple times.

Pam said...

The date I remember was when I was in my 20s. I was living with a friend and my mom was constantly trying to set me up with her friends sons. She never really got it right, but this particular night stuck with me. I actually knew him from high school so was more "willing" to go out with him. We were about 10 years out of high school at the most. When he called we made the mistake of catching up on the phone. Since I lived in the italian neighbourhood, we agreed we'd go for coffee/gelato one evening. I am only 5'1" where he is over 6'. We made arrangements for him to come over to my place to meet and we'd walk down to the restaurant. When I opened the door I couldn't help myself and I blurted out "oh my god". He was always a bit unsure of himself because of his height and all. So anyway, he got nervous and asked me what? I had to cover and says "I forgot you were so tall" but in actuality I was reacting to completely receded hairline. It was such a surprise. Needless to say, we walked down to get coffee and it was the longest 2 hours of my life as we had absolutely nothing in common and nothing to talk about having exhausted our "catch up" conversation on the phone.

Whitney said...

My worst date...

I was on my period and we decided to go to the movies on a double date. After the movie I thought, "I should probably take a visit to the bathroom when we get home." So, we all hop in the other guy's car. When we get back home we all get out, I turn around to grab my purse and the is a HUGE red spot on the fabric seat of this guys car! OMG, what do I do? I was so embarrassed that I just didn't tell him. BTW, I had black pants on, so I was very lucky for that.

So, we go inside and I ask to use the restroom. Once I get in there and get rid of my pad, I realize that the garbage can is overflowing! I try to stuff it in kind of deep so it's not just sitting on top of the mess. Now, since there was blood leaking every where, it was obviously all over my hands too. I try to was it off and realize there is NO soap and NO towels. I also tried to clean my pants off a little bit too.

When I go back out to meet with everyone else I was ready to go home. I guess my date didn't really want to be finished so they all sat down on the couches and started talking. I was not about to get a huge blood stain on this kids couch too, so I just told everyone I wanted to stand.

They ended up talking for about an hour and a half while I'm standing there freaking out! Finally when he decided to take me home, he chose to take me in his Daddy's nice car. I had no idea what to do. There were leather seats in this car, so I could have wiped it up, but I was so embarrassed. I ended up just sitting on my foot for the car ride home. My date thought I was really weird.

Finally the torture ended. I was home. I never saw the kid with the blood stained car again (luckily). I wonder what happened when he found this huge spot of blood in the back seat of his car.

Erin said...

You are making me VERY glad that I've been with J since I was 17. VERY glad.

Off to read the rest of the comments now!

Nicky said...

Wow. I definitely can't top any of those. I guess my worst was in college. White suburban guy from Massachusetts. He'd just spent several months studying abroad in China, and wanted to impress me. On our first date, he took me to a Chinese restaurant so that he could order in Chinese. Sadly, he had learned a different dialect than what was spoken at the restaurant, but he just wouldn't give up trying. The poor waitress kept begging him to PLEASE, just order in English, but he went on and on trying to make himself understood in Chinese. Unbelievably awkward.

AnotherDreamer said...

Omg, those are some great stories... though they are more they

"Looking back at it now, it's funny. Then... not so much."

Type stories, so I trust it's okay that I was laughing when you got to the part when he drove you in circles around the mall.
Man, that had to be scary at the time. Trapped in a car with a psycho.

I never "dated." My husband and I were friends, we fell in love right out of high school, the next thing I knew we were living together and getting married.

No interesting date stories from me. But I'm not complaining.

MrsSpock said...

You know, the pro-life kookoo story is reminding me of a friend's story. She was relentlessly pursued by a guy who was an evangelical Christian. She went out with him a couple times, but he would irritate her with his religion talk, which was nonstop. She was pretty open about such things usually, but had her own faith and was happy with it.

She told him she didn't want to see him anymore, but he was constantly calling, showing up at her door, and asking why she wouldn't go out with him. Eventually the idea occurred to her that he was pursuing her so heatedly because she was Jewish and he felt the need to convert her. She confronted him, and he admitted it was true, and that he would even pretend to be friends with someone to "save their soul".

I guess the tactics have changed a bit since the Spanish Inquisition.

Care said...

Oh my gosh, these stories are making me laugh - and I have plenty of my own bad date experiences to share...

There was the volunteer firefighter who showed up for our first (and only date) and before even saying hi, launched into a monlogue on how many fire hazards I had down, and how he could light a match and burn my house down - he was even kind enough to tell me how long it would take to burn down to the ground.

Then there was the blind date with the brother of a former coworker. He sounds nice enough on the phone. I was a bit puzzled when he asked if it was okay if he picked me up in a truck - given that where we lived probably 50% of the population drove a truck. So he arrived, in a perfectly nice black truck. I let him choose the movie, which in retrospect, was a big mistake. It was some sophmoric movie geared toward teens (and horny men of all ages) that spent more time showing boobs than following any sort of plot line. At this point I should have just asked him to take me home, but I figured maybe dinner would be an improvement.

At dinner, he seemed at bit hesitant to remove his jacket, then finally did so, revealing tattoos up and down both arms. I reassured him that I don't have anything against tattoos, so he began telling me what the meaning was behind them. Starting with the one with his ex-wife's name in big letters. Oh, I didn't know you had been married before, I remarked. So for the next 15 minutes he tells me all about his ex, her supposed mob connections, and his three children, one of which he has never even seen. Oh my - now it's definately time to go home! Poor guy kept calling for weeks before he finally figured out I wasn't going out with him again. Ever. Oh, and did I mention that he didn't have a job either?

Then there was the E_Harm*ny guy. I should have known when he called me within 5 minutes of my sending him my work phone number that something was a bit odd about him. Or when he asked me to lunch for the very next day, then called my again that same night and talked for over an hour, during which time he told me his entire life story, and I probably said 5 words. Anyhow, I meet him at a place for lunch, and as we stand in line he pulls down his bottom lip to show me his braces, and spends the next few minutes detailing all of his dental troubles. If that wasn't enough to curb my appetite, he goes on to discuss his weight and how he really does plan to lose lots of weight (then orders the biggest combo dinner.) As we are eating he regales me with more stories (by this point I'm trying hard not to look obviously bored.) He then tells me about some story he saw on the D_iscovery Channel about how the plates beneath the earth are going to move backwards and that Oklahoma is going to fall back down into the ocean, so he is thinking of buying a place in the mountains so he can be prepared. By this time I'm frantically praying someone (anyone) would call my cell phone and beg me to return to work ASAP. I'm about to fake a medical emergency when he realizes he needs to get back to work. Whew, saved! Unfortunately, he didn't pick up on my signals of non-interest, because he called me later that night. At 11 pm. And said "Gee, I thought you looked pretty tired today." You think?

Jewels said...

I've dated a lot, but it's been a long time so I don’t remember a whole lot.
I did go out with a guy I hated in high school, thought he was a total stuck up jock. Thought "what the heck, give him a chance, I've never had a guy like me in high school, and now he's acting crazy about me?" So we went out, he was such an a** that I flat out told him I don’t like him and I want to go home, he replied "Well this was a waste, I just wanted to get laid" I look at him and said "Thank you for being honest, Take me home" he get's apologetic and tells me some sappy story about how he's going to the war and might die (LMAO) Like literally? Isn’t that something you only see in the movies? I called B.S on him and demanded he take me home. I was about to jump out of his truck and call a cab.

C said...

LOL! So which one of these fabulous catches did you marry? ;) j/k

I married my high school sweetie. I have embarassing stories about him, but I'll keep those to myself out of respect.

nancy said...

OMG! Seriously, you must give off invisible pheromones to freaks. I'm shocked! heh. I think it's funny, sure, but how terrible for you!

I don't really have many bad date stories. Not like that. I dated a lot (i was quite the teenage and college slut. heh.) But the boys I dated were quite often asked out BY myself or they asked me out because they were a friend of a friend. That sort of thing. Not too often were they total strangers. Although some of them were, the place I usually met them ended up being a half date as I got to know them before I'd go out with them.

There was the time I met a stranger and he raped me multiple times. But I don't think that's really the kind of "worst date" you were asking about.

MrsSpock said...

Holy Crap Nancy!!!

Kristin said...

OMG these stories are hysterical Mel.

tj said...


That's all I can say - I'm stunned into silence. Anyways, those kind of things are great memories!

Anyways, no stories from me. Only ever dated my husband.

Helen said...

His name was Brad - a stutterer from Montana (no lie). I had to constantly keep from finishing his sentences, which I'd been taught was a no-no for stutterers. And he wasn't just a stutterer, he was a born-again Christian who spent the evening talking about how I needed to embrace Christ or else I'd burn in hell. I kept telling him that religion is different for everyone.

He walked me back to my apartment.

"So can I come in?" he asks.

"What?" I reply, confused. Not like this had gone well or anything.

"I'd like to come in. I enjoyed your company, I thought we'd spend the night together. But just so you know, until you become a Christian, there's no way we can consider marriage."

"Lemme' see here - you'd f*ck me, but you wouldn't marry me," I reason out loud (not like marriage was on the cards here anyway). "I'm only bed material, not anything more than that."

"Exactly!" he says brightly.

"Goodnight!" I sing, and shut the door in his face.

Motel Manager said...

I went through a stage where I actively sought out blind dates, and I had a couple of incredibly tedious ones, though nothing as dramatic as yours (and others').

I think my favorite was the guy who illustrated everything he was talking about on a cocktail napkin as if it were a PowerPoint. Like, he was talking about his travels to Nepal, and he'd draw a picture of Nepal and its bordering countries. He went through no fewer than 20 cocktail napkins in the course of a one-hour drinks date.

Then there was the guy who was perfectly nice but with whom I literally had NOTHING in common. Other than being white, and there's really not muhc to say about that. This is rare for me -- usually I can find some common ground with anybody. The only time our conversation really got going was when we talked about the traffic you had to endure while commuting to Silicon Valley -- it was the lone thing we had in common. I could not believe it when he called to ask for a second date (as did Mr. PowerPoint). Unfortunately, I was "too busy with work" at the time.

serenity said... I canNOT believe these dating stories. WOW.

I went on a second date with a guy who spent most of the time making fun of me. Because I had a MBA and he only finished high school.

Worst part is I ended up kissing him in his truck in front of my apartment. And I didn't even like him.

(Apparently I'm an alcoholic too!)

Too funny, Mel, these stories are GREAT.

Beth said...

Aaahh...those are some good ones.

Here's mine:
I was looking at my good friend's wedding pictures (she was married prior to meeting her) and noticed one of the groomsmen was handsome. She said he was the childhood best friend of her husband (also a good friend of mine) and he was thinking of visiting so maybe they could set us up. We do a double date and almost as soon as we sit down, he begins talking about himself - with nothin greally all that interesting happening in his life. He calls me "Becky" (NOT my name) despite my friends calling me by my real name. He keeps making diminuitive comments about me when he shows any interest at all. *SIGH* The only redeeming things about the night were: 1) my friends and I still laugh about it together and 2) he didn't live in the area so no worrying about him chasing me down.

Cassandra said...

Wow, Mel, that's the best collection of duds I've ever seen!

I have only been on one blind date, in college. There was an annual event in which everyone set up their roommates/friends on blind dates.

At that point, two months into my freshman year, there was only one guy in the entire university that I didn't get along with, Tom. He and I were in a club together, and for some reason we just didn't click. Tom was perfectly nice, and I was (and am!) perfectly nice, and we had common interests, but there was a weird anti-chemistry. You know how sometimes you're inexplicably drawn to someone through invisible magnetic forces? Well, Tom and I had reversed polarity, and we were inexplicably repelled.

So, of course, my roommate set me up on a blind date with Tom. Not out of sabotage, but because she didn't know that many people and happened to be friends with him, and I'd never told him about our anti-chemistry because it was so bizarre and meritless.

On the big night, Tom and I found a quiet corner and started with a couple of hours of very awkward conversation.
"Where are you from?"
"Kansas City."
"I've never been there."
"It's okay."

Then, at the big dance, I was saved by a friend of Tom's who was falling-down drunk and needed his assistance. I barely saw him the rest of the night. Phew. There was an awkward goodnight hug to top off the night, but thank goodness we both knew that more than that was out of the question.

For the next four years, whenever we'd see each other, we would lock eyes and silently acknowledge that we didn't like each other but had no ill feelings. The mutual awkwardness was our only bond.

Over the years there have been plenty of people I've disliked for different reasons, but in my whole life, I've never had an inexplicable repulsion to anyone else but Tom.

battynurse said...

Oh Mel, these are hysterical although at the time I'm sure not so much.
Care, I'm pretty sure I may have met the e*harm0ny guy, unless that route draws the ones like that.
I've had some interesting date stories in spite of never dating much. There was the guy a couple months ago who I went out to dinner with and he kept talking about coming over to my apartment, he finally said outright that he was hoping to spend the night. Yeah, not happening.
The worst was the guy I met on Yah00 who seemed ok on the phone but then walked in to the restaurant and the first thing he said was "wow, you really looked better in your picture". He then spent the next hour talking about himself and how great of an employee he was, complete with his work portfolio to show me which advertisement campaigns he had worked on and how he couldn't understand that he had just been fired recently. Then I had to pay for my own lunch and part of his. He actually thought I was going to get in a car with him the next day and drive over 3 hours to go to a concert.

Lori said...

I got nothing on y'all.

I'm laughing and cringing (except for Nancy's, which is in a separate category).

candy said...

if i can stop laughing long enough to type...

i married my high school sweetheart and didn't really date before that, so i can't say i have any psycho man stories. although.

once he was home from college and we went to a movie, before cell phones, and his mother had him paged at the theater. DURING the movie. as in, they cut the sound from the movie to ask him to come take a phone call at the concession stand. his roommate had called to let him know he'd left something at the dorm and she wanted to tell him. RIGHT THEN.

maybe your next post needs to be mother-in-law issues! wait, probably not.

JamieD said...

LMAO!! Those stories are soooo funny!! I really don't have any horrible date stories. I lean toward the painfully shy side and the thought of going on a date with a stranger is suffocating! In retrospect, it kinda makes me sad because I do love a good story.

Once my mother tried to set me up with a veternarian who did some charity work for her humane society. I was tempted at first until she started to tell me about how terrible it was that he wife just left him and moved to Africa which was so shocking because he was such a sweet, sweet man. I told my mom that if his wife not only left him, but also left the country in the process there was DEFINITELY something she didn't know about him.

Bea said...

Where. Do. You. Find. These. Men?

I got nothin'. I'm another "highschool sweetheart" gal, but in a perverse sort of way, I'm glad others weren't so lucky. Except Nancy. I'm not glad for Nancy at all, that's awful. For the others who are laughing about it now, though - thanks for sharing!


Kristine said...

Wow, you have had some doozies!

I spent about a year before I met my husband going on blind dates from a personals ad.

There was "purse dude" who was 5 foot nothing and carried a purse (seriously, a purse, a leather Coach bag). Super nice guy, but painfully shy. And come on... dude... he carried a purse!

There was "cheapo boring guy" who asked me to dinner and a movie. Then after dinner asked me to pay for my half since he had already bought the movie tickets.

Then there was "the Cowboy Prophit." He was 50 something to my 30. He showed up at the restaurant with a cowboy hat, then explaind to me the proper way to take care of it. Then regailed me with a story of how he was in Africa working in the jungle or something on some big river, and this African tribe treated him as if he was a prophit. The dude seriously believed god spoke to him. And he sat down to pee! He told me this, I didn't see it happen!

Then there was the guy who was about 10 years older than me and divorced. He was wider than he was tall. And he told me about his ex wifes hemmrhoids and what the doctor said about them when she was giving birth to a stillborn baby. No joke...

The guy who was in Narcotics Anonymous who took me out to an Italian restaurant. All I wanted was a glass of wine after listening to him. I didn't think dating him any more would be a very good idea since I was a pharmacist and dealt with legal drugs for a living.

There were a few more, but I don't want to completely hijack your comments.

Io said...

Best date ever? You have the best *stories* ever.
The only good story I have is the time I went on a date with this guy who apparently had loved me from afar all semester so didn't want to cancel our first date even though he wasn't feeling great. He kissed me at the end of the night, then immediately threw up. I ended up deathly ill for two weeks.