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Friday, May 16, 2008


I'm Missy No Mates today.

I wrote about this on Jendeis's blog but thought it was worth printing here too. I have no problem with posts that vent about a situation or even a group. My problem is with posts that are written about a single person, usually linked to their blog or easily searchable, that are the written version of speaking loudly about someone when you're in the same room. Your intention may not be for them to overhear you, but it's such a strong possibility that your words will reach them. I used the one I found about myself as an example because frankly, it bothered me. No one wants to read that others find them annoying. But the examples I was speaking about were much larger than calling someone annoying.

In my mind, there is a huge difference between venting your spleen at a group of people ("IFers with children annoy me") and a single person ("Melissa annoys me with her damn kumbaya-ness"). In one, the anger is directed at the situation and in the other, it is directed at a single person.

The only danger in some of the generalized "I hate it when..." posts is that sometimes people get what they ask for. I read once in the comment section of a blog that a certain blogger didn't like it when those who had children commented on her blog. I made a mental note of this and haven't commented on her blog again. I then received an email where she asked me if I had stopped reading--she was confused why I had stopped commenting. I told her what I had read and she responded, "oh, but I wasn't talking about you. I like it when you comment." But I belong to that "with children" group.'s a mixed message. And that's sort of the problem with blanket statements.

A massive, public thank you to those who embraced my kumbaya-ness and sang along with me today: Bleu, Tracy, Jendeis, and Kir. It means more than you know and certainly more than I can put into words.


luna said...

I also believe your kumbaya-ness it partly what makes you uniquely you -- the sense of inclusion and community. and if you don't feel like holding hands you don't have to. just step aside.

Jen said...

I really like your speaking loudly in the same room analogy. That's exactly what I was trying to say!

Bean said...

I agree with Luna -- your "kumbaba-ness" is part of the Mel we all know and love and I'd even say it's why you've been so successful as an advocate and a uniting force for all of us out here in IF land! So I say be yourself and I know there are plenty of us out here who will grab hands and sing along!

christina(apronstrings) said...

i don't read blogs that do that. i don't like it either. it's just so...MEAN GIRLS.
i don't like it when smart people with millions of good ideas who just happen to be experts at community building comment on my blog. so, stay away. ; )

chicklet said...

I'm with you on the direct attacks, I don't get it. Griping about general groups, I get cuz I do it, but griping about something about your personality - that's just mean. Do whatever you want to do, it's your blog. Ignore them, or if you can't, at least know that most of us are fine with you doing whatever works for you - it's who you are, and we like that.

Vacant Uterus said...

I'm not really sure what started all this. I think I might ahve an idea but I'm not sure so I can't say. But I will say that I love your kumbaya-ness, even if I can't keep up with it most days, and that you wouldn't be YOU without it. You've got more energy than ten women put together and you direct it all out. You're using your powers for good instead of for world domination (which is totally within your grasp.)

I know I haven't been around lately and I haven't been commenting. For that I am sorry and I want you to know it's nothing you did. It's entirely my own level of exhaustion. Sing your song, Melly. Sing it loud.

CLC said...

I am not sure what you are referring to but I assume that someone with a blog has a problem with you, but I have to agree that it is so Mean Girls and high schoolish. I personally thank you for being so inclusive and doing what you do.
I never would have thought that this particular blogoverse would be so catty. It's disappointing.

Leah said...

Here's my blanket statement: "I love chicks named Snatch who have twins and sweet curly hair and who are willing to call me a Whore with love." :-)

annacyclopedia said...

Heck yes! Your kumbaya-ness is the best! What I get from your kumbaya-ness is not so much a sense of optimism or that everything is all sunshine and roses, but actually a sense of being ok in the midst of the pain, of accepting things as they are. And things are that there is *always* good with the bad, and we should celebrate that good even as we mourn losses. I deeply appreciate your profound thoughts on the deeper meaning of infertility and loss, your brilliant posts that challenge me to think harder and also to get involved, and your willingness to serve and unite our community.

So thanks for being you, and I'm up here swaying and singing along, too.

Lori said...

Here's what my dad taught my sisters and me about family (which I kind of consider the lot of us):

"There will always be people who will tear you down. In this family, we build people up."

Appropriate, I think.

And kumbaya back at you, my friend.

loribeth said...

Singing & swaying along with you here. ; )

Fertilized said...

I had this happen to me a few weeks ago- I was unsure how to repsond? I asked my husband if that was the way of asking me to stop reading/commenting Or if there was less going on in the world and I won the "what to blog ab out that day" award. I am still unsure how I was supposed to take it. I still read but barely comment or feel ashamed to comment.

In all Kumbayaness - I think we all could use more of it!

PaleMother said...

Hi Mel,

This is very late, but I tried to write a concise comment about this and I just couldn't. So rather than comment too long, I made it into a post:

Thanks once again for everything. Be well!

PaleMother said...

(making the "L" sign on my forehead)

Whoops. This is the link: