The Daily News

LFCA Latest Issue: Friday, September 25, 2009.

Latest Post on BlogHer: Parenting after Infertility.

My Status: Fed Josh's almonds to the squirrels. They needed them very badly.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Friday Blog Roundup

This is the last thing I'll say about it (since I added another update this morning--the woman is disputing Yale's claims and says that the project is real): thank you for letting me take that out of my head. I had such a physical reaction to the story that I felt irresponsible posting the article or speaking about it. Had I been in a different space, I think it would have occurred to me earlier that I could write about it and not hit publish. Would I have felt like I had moved past something if it was still in my draft folder? I don't know. Isn't it interesting--do you need the closure of hitting publish and sending it out into the world away from you in order to feel as if something is over? Do you still dwell on the things you have waiting in your draft folder? Is it the passing of time or the pressing of publish (or send in the case of an email) that makes something feel over?

I really would like an answer to that.

In passing one day, I posted a small thought about how I steal decorative stones. I don't think I ever mentioned this before prior to that point, but the decorative stones are just a small piece of this: I take rocks wherever I go. I don't remember when it began, but I think the first one came from the Potomac River. I think I knew it was my last time going canoeing that season and I wasn't going to be returning to West Virginia until the next summer. I took a rock out of the river so I could have it with me all winter and kept it in my car.

This week in the mail, Allison sent me a stone she stole from me from the Botanical Gardens. I am having a very difficult time putting into words how much this means to me. I receive books as gifts all the time and it shows that the person knows me well--I love books; I got married in a library. But there are very few people who have ever given me a stone.

I guess the only way I can explain is think back to a time that you have said something in passing and a friend heard it and acted on it. It's not the item itself that holds your heart but the fact that someone cared enough to listen and brought you exactly what you love.

Thank you. The smallest things can have the largest impact.

You may have noticed the lovely new ad on my ride sidebar for Spuddy Buddy. If you haven't gone over to peek at her blog, you should. At least once a day. If not more often. Because she is the first of two auction winners for the ad space. The money from the sale went to UTERUS and since I am going to keep auctioning off that space and giving the money to our new very amorphous philanthropy, I am dubbing that space UTERUS Lining of the Week/Month. There will be a second ad going up, hopefully this weekend. Please support these bloggers or businesses because they have supported UTERUS. You can bid on the space too. I will keep putting it up and we'll save the money in the UTERUS fund even after Cali is set so we can have a jump start for the next blogger.

You know how I usually say something like "and now the blogs" or "here's something I read this week." I told Josh that from now on, I was going to write: Shove this in your eyehole! and have that become my new catchphrase. Regardless of the fact that you don't really utilize your tear ducts when reading and that is sort of the only eye orifice. And then I thought, no. And then I thought, yes. And then I realized I was spending way too much time considering whether or not to write "shove this in your eyehole!"

Does that sound festive? Or angry? Would you be honoured to have your blog post shoved in someone's eyehole? Would it make you feel a little uncomfortable? Perhaps it simply doesn't have the same sweet Southern ring as "shove this in your piehole!"

Bean at Hoping for Another Lovebug has a post about spring and what has happened since the last time this season rolled around. She writes: "But the excitement and optimism that I felt last year are not here. I feel so differently now that it almost seems as if years, not just a year, have passed since last April." You should read this post not just for the melancholy beauty but because you will probably find a bit of your own truth reflected back at you.

I liked this post by Julie at A Little Pregnant. And while I was laughing through the earlier laaaaaaand o' Goshens, by the middle I paused. Because while we all worry hypothetically about prematurity, once you have been through prematurity, it makes you pause to think about ever going through it again. And unlike so many things in life where you may need to steel yourself to go through it a second time, with pregnancies, you simply never know what will happen. I think prematurity is my single worst fear (beyond the idea that I may never get pregnant again without a positive in two years). And Julie's post gave me words to explain why.

Tash at Awful But Fuctioning had a post that moved me about a neighbour who was pregnant at the same time. She writes: "This girl is my bellwether, gauge, yardstick, my internal barometer of all things Maddy -- where she would be, if things went as planned, and where I am now in my missing." It simply made me cry to consider that so many people probably have their own barometer like this little girl.

And on a similar note, The Chronicles of an Incompetent Cervix does have a post about all the references that she encounters that relate back to her lost children. And on a similar note again, this post will break your heart.

Pamela Jeanne at Coming2Terms had a post about historical feelings on progeny. She writes: "On my way out of visiting the last palace on our trip I had a new appreciation for Japan's Princess Masako and the intense pressure she faced to produce an heir. It's hard enough to deal with the heartbreak of infertility in private, quite another to have to face it along with the judgment and disappointment of prying eyes -- whether in the 1700s or today. The palaces may be emptying out but we still have a long way to go to shake loose those crusty but powerful views from the past." It's a smart, thoughtful post and I am a sucker for a history lesson.

Lastly, if you haven't already done so, go over and read Leah's rendition of 'Twas the Night Before Transfer: "'Twas the night before transfer and all through the land / Stim needles were quiet, just PIO was in hand / The meds were laid out on the counter with care / In hopes that the Baby Fairy soon would be there.

A Roundup to the Roundup: I truly do want to know if you have closure on things you have written that are still in your draft folder (scroll up if you need to see all of my questions again). Thank you, Allison. Support the UTERUS Lining of the Week/Month. Bid on the space yourself if you want it. Do you enjoy having people told to shove your post in their eyehole?

A wonderful seder, an apple on your table, and a relaxing weekend for all.


Lori said...

What a beautiful stone and a beautiful sentiment.

I LOVE that you got married in a library.

I'll put out an apple tomorrow and think of you :-)

Baby Steps to Baby Shoes said...

To answer your draft folder question, I would have to say mostly no closure for the drafts that sit there. Most of them are the ones that are just too raw, some I can't even read and some I don't want to think about. I have on occasion gone back to a draft after a substantial amount of time, but have mostly found that if I can't finish a post within a week, it's one I just can't finish.

Andria and Co. said...

I try to keep it real on my blog, and in the beginning, blogged about the anguish my SIL put me through while I was infertile, and then while pregnant. It caused so many issues with my husband, and he actually left me while I was pregnant because "she was hurting" over what I had written. Honestly, it was just the bare facts of what she had said to me. So, now I keep quiet, or write a screaming post to her. Or, post it and delete it within hours.

bleu said...

As usual, beautiful, thoughtful, moving post Mel.

In regards to the draft folder it feels much better when it has been published if the thought was complete. If it is just ramblings for possible different posts in the future then not so much.

I too LOVE that you got married in a library. I adore library's so much. I once got it on up in the stacks with a girl I was dating in this huge library in St. Louis (I know, I am a freak) and it was so cool being able to smell that wonderful smell. We were up next to the Emily Dickinson section. lmao

(this is just more proof why I censor often on my blog)

Jen said...

A library! Why didn't I think of that?

I don't usually write things and then leave them in drafts. I usually like that closure. (As evidenced by my overreaction earlier this week.)

Piccinigirl said...

the draft question for me is No, I don't have closure for the posts sitting there. They are the ones that talk about the bed rest, the birth, the babies and how scared , how long and short that time seemed that the same time. I won't have closure with it, until I can finish them and share those moments with all of you.

as an aside, my mom is attending a seder tomorrow (we're Catholics)and she has always wanted to go to one, she was invited by one of our coworkers and I asked her to have an apple on her plate and why. She has agreed to play along.

I also love that you got married in a library. Outside of standing in front of the ocean, I can think of no better place. :)

Tash said...

Posting and dumping is really the best therapy I could've dreamed of.

I'm not Jewish, and as such, will be hosting the neighborhood cocktail party tonight, but I have planned to put some apples out at least at dinner, for me.

Heidi said...

My centerpiece this week is a bowl of apples. For your specific reason!

I have a private blog that I write things out on when they need to be out of me, but I am afraid to show them to the rest of the world.

andrea_jennine said...

I do feel like the acting of writing alone gives me closure; I don't need to publish.

Not sure about the "eyehole" phrase. It doesn't particularly bug me, but it doesn't really cheer me either.

wanttobeamom said...

Just a quick answer to your draft question: For me I think it depends on the topic. Sometimes I am just trying to put my own thoughts in order and don't necessarily need feedback from others (or, I'm nervous about others will say/think) so just writing in my journal or writing a draft is enough. Sometimes I am genuinely struggling with a topic and need more voices to add ideas and help me find some clarity. If this is the case and something sits in the draft folder for a while I don't feel closure until I hit publish AND I get some comments.

P.S. I thought "Shove it in your eye hole!" was funny.

Jess said...

OH MY GOSH I laughed and laughed (QUIETLY cause the kids are sleeping, one on me even) at the "eyehole" thing. Especially the part where you're debating if you should post it and then realize you're spending too much time on it!! lol!! I think it does sound angry, though, for the record, but now I kinda want you to use it all the time cause it's so funny.

I love your stone. What a nice friend!!

I don't have anything in my draft folder, but I think with emails and all it's the hitting send or POSTING that gets it out. It's not that so much more time has's've let your feelings be known. Kinda the same compulsion that makes you want to pick up the phone and call THAT SOMEONE even though you know things can never be right just want the record straight and want them to know how you FEEL.

I'm still aghast at the miscarriage art. Oh my. I just don't even have the words.

Don't think any more of it. Just enjoy your weekend, deserve it!

Julia said...

we collect stones now too, from everywhere we go. Can't decide if they are all going to the cemetery or if they are staying home to mark the passage of time...

I think I need to post to expunge. I feel like someone will say something to either validate what I am thinking or to challenge it enough to change the way I think/feel. I find that helpful-- the new take(s).

luna said...

I was just thinking about the closure question last night. I think a lot depends on the intent behind the writing. I've written a few draft posts and felt a little better just processing and articulating my thoughts. much like journaling, they just needed to be expressed. but where I am writing more for support or affirmation, ideas/feedback, or to convey a certain point, I need to hit send/publish.

last night I was composing a difficult email to some friends in my virtual loss support group. I hesitated before hitting send and almost deleted it, because I didn't want to upset or alienate them. but I wanted to make a point or I would upset and alienate myself. I could have tried to continue processing my feelings alone instead of reaching out. sometimes that's ok, sometimes not. I agree sometimes the thoughts are not completely formed yet, but when they are, it helps me to get it out unless it's just something I can sit with myself...

I used to collect stones from our trips. one time when I was going through a mini-crisis (before i/f), a friend offered me her touchstone for a while. it was smooth and special and calming to hold and rub. I held it for days before feeling strong enough to return it. it was such a kind gesture.

happy pesach to you. ~luna

Anonymous said...

I think there is absolutely some amount of closure in posting something (or e-mailing it, as the case may be). When we got our diagnosis, I didn't want to post it. I didn't want to tell my friends. Posting it or typing it or e-mailing it would make it too real. Once the words are on the page, it's there, staring right back at you from a real and tangible place. That can be terrifying. I have a couple drafts that remain unpublished, but that is just because they are controversial political-type rants that I don't want to bog down my blog with. While I believe in them very staunchly, I don't expect all my readers would and therefore, I leave them in the drafts folder.

You went canoing in WV?! You loved it here?! I live here - WV born and raised - and it's always nifty to find someone else who shares my affinity for my home. I've lived in TX, moved there right after graduation and stayed for several years, but the mountains called me home. Luckily, my husband loves it here too. Yay for you loving WV!

Dianne/Flutter said...

Goodness, I missed your initial posts, but can empathize to the offensive nature of the project. To be honest, I am in a happy space so I didn't click to read on.

But, to answer your question about not hitting the publish button. My reality is that my memory stinks. So, if I draft an item, get my feelings out, and forget (only can take a few days) - I feel right as rain.

I'm really not as vapid as this comment makes me sound :).

katd said...

Shove it in your eyehole sounds lovely to me. :)

I can't stand to have drafts waiting on me. I feel like something is incomplete if I haven't finished a post. It really eats at me.

Hope you and your family have an excellent weekend! :)

Anonymous said...

For me it isn't the drafting OR the publishing, it's the THINKING that matters. Blogging forces me to sit down and think a bit. I don't keep anything in draft form, it's all type-and-pub.

I don't care for the shove-in-the-eyehole bit, personally. I don't like anything shoved, it sounds impolite and pushy to me. Or at least, embarrassing, like when I shove chocolate in my mouth. But don't feel you need to tailor your blog to me! It's YOUR space!

loribeth said...

You got married in a library?? I wish I'd thought of that. Dh & I are both book nuts. It would have been perfect (well, one step more perfect than it already was, lol).

I do have a couple of posts in my drafts folder, but they're reflections on my pregnancy from 10 years ago, & I'm just waiting for the appropiate "10 years later" dates to publish them. Generally, my drafts don't stay drafts for too long.

Re: stones -- my sister & I used to collect rocks, especially from our family trips, like to the Rockies. A few years ago, at one of our pg loss support group volunteer training sessions, a guest speaker showed us a clip from "Forrest Gump," where he & Jenny are out walking & come across Jenny's old home, where she had a traumatic childhood. Jenny starts throwing rocks at the house, rage building, & then she collapses sobbing in the driveway. Voiceover from Forrest: "Sometimes, there just aren't enough rocks." The speaker gave each of us a polished rock. I keep mine on my armoire along with Katie's picture & a few other keepsakes.

"Shove this in your eyehole!" Ummm, a little too "in your face" for me. But somehow, I think you could get away with it. ; )

**susy** said...

I'm not a keep a bunch of drafts girl. If I'm writing it most 99% of the time it will be posted or sent. That 1% attributes to me being a chicken and not going through w/ it for a reason or another. I think closure can definitely come from posting/sending one's writing. It's like closing a book w/ full satisfaction that you read it, I think.

Which brings me to your library wedding, I think that's awesome!

And yes, 'shove it in your eyehole' sounds a bit hard when first read, but we know what you mean, it's funny, IMO.

Happy weekend and I'll have my apple out too, even though I'm not jewish. =]

kate said...

I think typing out responses, regardless of whether published or sent, is very cathartic. I have several bitter posts over a reaction to something Obama said once several months ago, but it still poisons my brain when new issues come up with him as a candidate. And I now find that this election has become almost impossible for me to write about without that toxic bitterness resurfacing, so I leave those acrid posts in my drafts, knowing that if I ever truly feel strongly enough about it to start the argument (since it seems I am more and more on the outside as someone who doesn't necessarily like Obama and in fact, prefers Clinton), then I can publish it whenever I want.

And I have long been known to type out extremely hateful, vitriolic emails in response to people who have acted worthy of such a response, only to delete the emails and re-write them more professionally. And I often find myself typing those types of things when someone has left an offensive comment for a blogger friend of mine, and again, I typically delete them, but on rare occasion have found myself so blindingly, spittingly angry, that typing isn't enough and I must publish that comment.

Anyway, I do thank you for bringing the Yale story to light. I think often about what is or isn't art, and in general, the intent is what drives it for me, and even if I don't like something, I try to find some meaning in it. However, in this circumstance, I'm with you. This idiot child has gone too far. And frankly, the entire project smacks of "look at me, I'm weird and controversial." I kind of wish the whole thing would go away because she's getting more attention than she deserves, negative or not.

Elizabeth said...

I delete an unpublished draft rather than keep it lying around if I decide not to post it. But then I'm a "J" on the Myers-Briggs, and I strongly suspect you are a "P" :-)

Kymberli said...

For me, it depends. Sometimes to get closure I want to have the commiseration and support of others. Having someone justify your feelings can do a lot to help you get past an issue.

For other things, though, I just need to get them out of my system, and *not* hear anything else about it so that I can work better at trying not to think of it. Having the ongoing reminders in the form of people's comments is not necessary and sometimes is even counterproductive.

I am not Jewish, but there will be an apple on my table tomorrow.

Mrs. Spit said...

I don't necessarily have to post something, sometimes just writing it all out, in it's ugly, nasty detail, and letting all my frustration and anger and nasty thoughts spew out on paper is enough. Often I'll save the draft, and re-read it the next day and discover that I really don't feel like this, or that I don't want someone to read that on my blog.

Sassy said...

I find writing the posts the most enjoyable bit. Keeping them as a draft usually just makes me stew on them. Having them published seems more final.

A good example for me was this week I wrote a post about my grandparents. It took me three hours to be happy with it, even though it's nothing all that special to anyone else. I finished it around 4am in the morning and it felt damn good to hit publish. It just feels good having it out there.

In contrast, most of my draft posts are about foster care and I just can't publish them for privacy reasons. Although I'm getting damn close to the edge there so they may come out one day. I actually like the feeling of deleting drafts. I have to be completely over it though. That doesn't happen very often.

Pamela Jeanne said...

First - thanks for the shout out. Very much appreciate it. Love the stone stories...I have been known to pick up some stones myself. Next time I'm somewhere interesting with stones, I will think of you. See -- another way of sharing something of yourself that will go a long, long way.

As for the "it" and closure through writing. This week as you might recall I got a total sucker punch writing something via email I thought was a way of reaching out and connecting with someone and the hurtful response I got from that someone (whom I expected to understand me) instead made me cry and feel horrible. I'm still upset about it, but I'm not going to respond because sometimes we can write and speak our peace all we want but if the person on the receiving end doesn't want to listen, well, it's futile, isn't it...

I hope you had a very, very relaxing weekend and wonderful seder.

the Babychaser: said...

Your whole post got me teary eyed (then again, it doesn't take much these days), but I'm just going to respond to the question:

I don't write anything I don't post. It's never even occurred to me to have a "draft" folder. I feel like the whole purpose of my blog is to have one place in this whole damn world where I don't have to self-censor.

Vacant Uterus said...

Happy Passover, Snatch! And Shabbat Shalom.

I have a lot to catch up on...sorry I have been absent. I haven't blogged about it yet but I sat for oral boards at my job this week and that sucked every available ounce of energy out of me. And then the birth control. But anyway.

The point is, I have to hit publish. I have nothing in my drafts folder. Nothing. And if I think a thing is unbloggable, i.e., won't be well-recieved or is just too private to put out there right at the moment, I write the post anyway and send it to someone I trust, mostly the ten women I see every Weds. morning for GT or my SIL Beth. I think of it as private blogging; I'm blogging for an audience of one. I don't do it that often but when I do, it's raw. Leaving it unseen feels like leaving the feelings unprocessed. Almost like a boil going unlanced. That poisin needs out. Does that make sense?

Bea said...

The eyehole thing is funny. I'm just trying to figure out if it would be funny every week, or if it was just funny because of the way you wrote it then.

As for closure, I think hitting publish has a lot less to do with it than any number of other factors. In fact, sometimes hitting publish keeps the wound open a bit longer. There's no single answer - it depends on the issue.


Brooke said...

Damn. Now I want to get married in a library.

I love your eyehole phrase. I would have overanalysed it too...just because I do that.

And as for drafts? I publish everything. Thats why I have 2 separate blogs with 2 circles of friends! Pretty much anything that isnt highly offensive to one specific person goes up. And if it IS a rant at one person in particular, at times I find great pleasure in posting without names and hoping they know Im talking about them. There is always then that sense that you can deny you were talking about them if the shit hits the fan in spectacular fashion.

Blah. I should not drink bourbon at lunchtime. It results in long winded, nonsense comments....