The Daily News

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Hoohaahooterus 5241, Melissa 2

There are many advantages gained by being a member of the Order of the Plastic Uterus--you kick back once a month or more with a group of extremely cool women who understand the need for a good piece of chocolate and a strong drink. You never have to code your words or pretend to be happy. It is a space where you can literally let your hair down and on the hair front, it is a monthly reminder to wax my eyebrows.

I thought about this on Tuesday morning and made myself an appointment for Wednesday afternoon.

A few minutes after I made the appointment, I had a sudden wave of nausea, ran into the bathroom and vomited so violently that I broke the blood vessels in my face. It looked as if a manic graphic artist had made 1000 dots across my face with a red rapidograph pen.

And your next thought was my first thought. I am a vomiter by nature. I vomit early and often. And it is usually my only sign of pregnancy--I vomited within days of implantation on four out of five pregnancies. And I vomit right until the finish line--I was still vomiting the day I delivered the twins. I think I may be a little hormonally sensitive because I also sometimes vomit with the trigger shot. Vomiting is not necessarily a sign of pregnancy for me because it is not an unusual occurrence in my world. Perhaps it is best explained as not every vomiting incident signals pregnancy, but every pregnancy contains vomiting incidents.

There is also the problem with what is considered "late" in my world insofar as peeing on a stick. Without drugs, my LP ranges from seven days until ten. I ovulated around the 30th, which meant Tuesday was 11dpo. Long for me, but not long by normal standards. Should I test? Should I save that one precious stick for another occasion (what kind of occasion, I don't know. I mean, this is the reason to use a peestick; to determine pregnancy)? In my head, I knew there was no chance to get pregnant without some lovely drugs but my heart, that bitch, kept reminding me about a friend with old, cruddy ovaries who got pregnant on her own between IVF cycles.

I peed.

It was white.

I sat there for a few minutes in case it changed its mind.

It didn't.

I went downstairs and went back to work. Other than the vomiting incident and my newly freckled face, I felt completely fine. A half hour later, the cramps started. A few minutes after that, the deluge.

Well played, hoohaahooterus, well played.

There remained the question of whether I needed the eyebrow appointment in light of the burst blood vessels. Was there a purpose to grooming and having gorgeous eyebrows when the only thing people could focus on were the 1000 red dots like a miniature fire ant orgy? I kept the appointment, hoping the damage would fade by Sunday when the Order of the Plastic Uterus got together for midday pina coladas and shoe shopping. And if not, this post at least serves as an explanation so people don't need to nervously laugh as I sit down at the table saying, "Mel, is that a new look? Are measles the new Botox?"

Nope, just a good, old-fashioned, you're-not-pregnant-but-you'll-waste-a-peestick-anyway round of vomiting.

I am much more comfortable writing than speaking. Speaking extends to all words coming out of my mouth--either face-to-face or over the phone. Which is a long way of saying that I was very nervous the first few times driving over to meet with the other members of the Order of the Plastic Uterus. It was one of those talking-to-yourself-in-the-car experiences. By now I don't get nervous before we get together--with the exception being times when my face is covered in tiny red dots--but I just wanted to throw this out there in case you didn't know this about me. I may hide it well, but I am extremely shy and introverted. Josh is the gregarious, extroverted one in our relationship. I'm more of the cling to the wall variety. An attempt to look relaxed variety.

Malky and Aaron interviewed me last week for their podcast. It's a long interview where Josh and I spoke about how the blog came about and all the hidden nooks and crannies of the site. Because it was over the phone, I could send all of my nervous energy through enormous hand gestures known only to Josh who kept looking over because he thought I was trying to get his attention. I liked that I was referred to as royalty; who doesn't want to live in a virtual palace?--though Josh is definitely not done with treatments. That boy would never turn down an opportunity to spank into a cup and watch his wife turn into a weepy, hormonal, vomiting mess. Plus, the drugs are currently taking up a full refrigerator shelf so they better go under my skin if they're taking up precious bagel-making space.

I want to say a huge thank you to Malky and Aaron because they did a wonderful job. They're great interviewers and made me feel very comfortable--regardless of my enormous hand gestures. I loved their questions. And you should listen and let them know what you think (which is a casual, kicky way of asking you to leave them a comment in exchange for the hard work they do over there). And now, when I meet them face-to-face next time I'm in New York, I do not need to do my normal pre-social event internal monologue. See, they killed two birds with one stone--got me over my social hump and created a podcast to boot.

Speaking of four Jews talking on a podcast, the contest to win my box o' candy and cookies continues until tomorrow night at 11:59 p.m. The winner will be announced in the Roundup. I hope it's me! I mean...


Leah said...

Good Lord, woman. You had me going there. I was literally on the edge of my seat, ready to leap off it and dance around (if that's what I choose to call the freaky, flailing spasm thing I do with my arms and legs when music plays) at the amazing news. You are such a tease.

I promise that I will NOT refer to your forehead as a "fire ant orgy." I won't even look there, I swear. Perhaps I'll just wear dark sunglasses the whole time to ensure that you don't see me look there in case I can't control myself. I guarantee you that it's worse than you think. Had you not mentioned it, most people wouldn't even notice.

Please bring me some candy. ANY and ALL that are contained in the basket. I will pay you for it. I'm not kidding. In addition to the cash, I will be your friend. Forever. In a stalker way if that's what it takes to get my grubby paws on some of these outrageous delights you've been making. I just got word today that I passed the glucose test, so BRING ON THE SWEETS!!!

Can't wait to see you on Sunday. Even with your misplaced freckles. Perhaps if you dyed your hair red to match, you'd look like a Picasso-esque Shirley Temple?

SarahSews said...

Mel, yhou hoohaahooterus had me too. What a nasty trick! I got so excited that your wish to see two lines without a clinic or a wand might have come true. I'm sorry.

Michell said...

Yes you had me going too. It is a relief to know though that I'm not the only one who get's those maybe thoughts. Although mine are a little more rediculous since I have to actually buy sperm and put it up there.

Jess said...

Ah! Bastard Hoohahooterus! I'm sorry, Mel. Ugh. That blows.

Did leah just say that she guarantees it's worse than you think? For some reason that's wildly funny to me even though I know she meant the opposite.

Sometimes when I'm complaining a lot about something in re my looks Travis tells me "Well, you can't think it looks as bad as it does."

That's love.

Sorry you're not pregnant.

I still want your caramel recipe.

Geohde said...

Ah, damnnit! It would have been wonderful to read Melissa *3*


luna said...

oh mel, sorry for the psych out. wouldn't it be nice if our bodies just did something right on their own for a change? sigh...

sometimes I delude myself into thinking that pre-AF cramping and spotting is really due to implantation, even on an unassisted cycle with crusty tubes, a scarred hoohah, rapidly aging eggs, wacky hormones and poor morph. isn't hope grand?

on another note, I LOVE going shoe shopping and chocolate. so I will toast you all in spirit on sunday. enjoy! and sorry about your pukeage.

B said...

Not fair or kind of your womb. Periods are wrong enough - no need for the flamboyant hope rousing entrance.

Not fair.

the world needs more people peopled by you.

I mean that.

Anonymous said...

I listened :)

You guys, all four of you, are soooo American, ha ha ha!

But seriously, very interesting, good idea from Malky and Aaron.

Sunny said...

Holy smokes. NICE! I puked outside of my trailer on Monday. Yep with the kids watching. Of course when I got back to school on Tuesday the rumor was I was pregnant, even amongst my students. If it were true I would be called virgin sunny!

Can't wait to see you and your beauty marks!

JuliaS said...

Awwwww man Mel - I really wanted it for ya! I won't even go into the "maybe it was too early . . ." I imagine you may have already mentioned that yourself to well, yourself. Rats - that would have been so cool. B says the world needs more people peopled by you - I agree, and not just cause of the potential for more chocolate making people there.

Kind of funny - but I did the same thing yesterday. Not because I vomited or even thought for one second - but because a) my doctor's office suggested it cause I am late again and b) I got tired of waiting for the red witch to show up. Just add pee and voila! Instant deluge. Works like a charm.

Your plastic uterus comments got me thinking - when they take mine out, surely they can replace it with something? I'm thinking stainless steel perhaps - very durable. Maybe something bionic?

Hmmmmmmm - the possibilities of a post titled "Bionic Uterus" . . .

(scrambles off to scribble)

loribeth said...

Sorry for the vomiting & arrival of Aunt Flo. :( As I wrote on Julia's blog last night, doing a test generally works like a charm for me too. ; ) When I was in university, I was late one month(despite being on the Pill)(oh the horror!!) & went to the student clinic for a pregnancy test. Burst into tears. The (young female) dr who took my blood was extremely nice, calmed me down, convinced me that even if I was pregnant, it wasn't necessarily the end of the world (oh, the irony...!), and prescribed me some stress vitamins. On the way out of the clinic, I stopped at the washroom, & voila! All that drama for nothing.

I don't vomit a lot, but I have done so during the occasional extremely heavy, crampy period. Ugh. (((hugs))) to you.

Bea said...

Shit. Insult to injury there, ute.

Glad your interview went well, though.


JJ said...

You had me on the edge of my seat....
Sorry for the unnecessary roughness on your tum=(
Just listened to the podcast--great stuff!

Anonymous said...

Seriously? That's one hell of a way to get jerked around. I'm sorry for the severe up and down that must have provoked.

Can I be crass on your blog? I forget, sorry. If so, then let me just say that sucks rocks.

Io said...

Good grief! With vomit that violent, surely we can harness your power like solar energy and light up DC for a day or something?
I bet you look fantastic with fake measles.
I will listen to the podcast later when I am not trying to look like I am hard at work.

kate said...

Heeee! I think our hoohahooteruses must be in collusion. I, too, had a "do I waste a pee stick?" moment on tuesday, only mine required a recount on Wednesday morning (so I wasted TWO!), only to be followed by the cramp and flow mere hours after the test. Grrrr! And I really didn't even want to be pregnant this month, so I don't know why I'm so pissed about it. But feh, whatever.

Tina said...

Damn your hoohaahooterus.... Can I come over and kick its but for a while! How dare it 1) make you puke harder than ever and 2) make you (and us!) think something was going on!

Like Jess said, I want your caramel recipe. No, actually, I would rather bath in it. Yum!!! My fav!

Jendeis said...

Mel, you are my doppelganger in the tendency to vomit department and the give yourself a pep talk before you meet people department! For me, the marks usually go away within a couple of days, certainly they will have faded by Sunday. You may want to skip the brow wax as that will add trauma to an already traumatized area.

littleangelkisses said...

Sheesh lady, you made my heart stop! Doesn't it suck when you get naseous (sp?)for nothing? I've been like that all week. It SUCKS! As a girl with freckles though...LOL!

SaraS-P said...

I already have the podcast in my queue. Can't wait to hear it!

Mel said...

Miserable, miserable mind games.
Nothing worse than peeing on a stick on the same day your period starts. Life's funny like that sometimes, huh? I am not sure if it's ironic, but it's definitely annoying.
Hope your tummy is feeling better!

nancy said...

oh good lord. Let me try to regain composure after that post. Ack. I'm sorry the pee stick "won". Fuckers.

I've never listened to a podcast before, but I'm going to try to find it!

katd said...

"fire ant orgy" is my favorite. :) I had a little pattern going there for awhile when the only way I could start my period was to pee on a stick. It was like a really bad joke.
Sorry for the bummer of a day and for your upset tummy.

Barb said...

Fun fun post. I am victim to hope the same as you though. I've wasted more than one on a very very stupid hope.


xavier2001 said...

Ack, you had me all excited, my hand was starting to tremble!! Sorry about the puking that sucks!

I'll have to listen to the podcast tommorrow, can't wait!

Kim said...

Darn! You had me going too! It is a cruel joke that pg symptoms can be explained by so many other things too! Why can't our belly buttons turn purple or neon yellow. Simple and discreet - and cheap!

JuliaS said...

Wanna know something funny or weird?

Perusing the various blogs in the old IF community today I have discovered more than a few of us who all started on Wednesday - some who POAS to jumpstart the proceedings too.

Is this something like that roommate phenomenam? Those who blog together bleed together?

I think we should eat a bunch of chocolate and caramels and commiserate.

My red fire ant orgy is concentrated on my chin though. Bleah - I didn't break out this bad even when I WAS a teenager.