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Monday, October 15, 2007

Post or Delete


I have 61 drafts in my folder right now.

515 posts that are published and 61 posts where I don't necessarily want to hit publish, but it feels wrong to erase the words.

You must have those too. The ones that were written in a moment of anger, but you're now embarrassed how you'll come across if you let others read it. Or the ones that seemed funny in the moment and now...not so much. Or the ones that were rewritten and published in another form but you don't want to erase the original draft because it's sort of the story behind the post.

I am about to hit publish on one of those angry ones.

And I'll be frank; I'm embarrassed to hit publish.

But it has been sitting in my draft folder for so long and every time I look at it, I get this overwhelming feeling to either hit publish or hit delete. But I don't really want it hanging in limbo.

I was really angry when I wrote this. It was months and months ago at this point, probably some time in the spring. But I was thinking about it last night because we may have to beg out of a family event because it requires travel in January (and we will hopefully be in the middle of cycling with the clinic). The rational me hears the excuse and knows how it sounds. I mean, really. Can't I put off starting IVF until February? We've been trying for over a year and a half on our own--what's another month or two? It's somewhat distant family, but still.

But the emotional me--the one that feels small and sorry inside my body--says, "I just can't." I don't want to wait any longer. Other people, they can take it on the road. They can have sex in a hotel room and have a baby nine months later. But I can't do that and it isn't fair. It isn't fair to judge my choices against a fertile world. Judge my choices on my terms--on how it feels to have to pay thousands of dollars just to get to the starting line when others walk up there for free. How it feels to take everything lovely out of the act of conception and bring it down to hormones and blood work and scans.

I know that I can't make someone understand. And it is hard to wrap your mind around--what you're willing to give up just to have a chance. And how singularly focused some of us need to be. Some people who train for marathons--they eat, drink, and sleep running for the entire training period. They think about every calorie they put in their mouth and they visit websites about running and they talk about the merits of one exercise shoe over another. And that's the way they get through the marathon.

Other people, they go for a long run in the morning, shower for work, and barely think about it until nighttime when they go to bed early so they can get up and do another run the next day. And that's the way they get through the marathon.

So. I'm putting this post up there. This angry manifesto that was written months ago when a friend questioned the way I train for marathons. Which is all just a euphemism for treatments. I feel out-of-breath from it.

Please don't judge my anger. I've already beaten myself up enough.


lori said...

thank you for pushing "publish".

thinking of you and of january.


Journeywoman said...

Thank you for hitting publish. I commented on the post and I must have missed this post...

Thank you for saying no. We've had to make the choice whether to go on or not and we decided to go on. My brother just doesn't understand why we can't wait another month.

Thanks for this post.

Geohde said...

Coming from a very angry infertile woman (more bitter anger than I realised that I could possess), I would never judge another. It is good to have it normalised that being plain old pissed off, tired and upset is normal, too.

Is it bad that I only have three drafts on my blog?


Waiting Amy said...

No one here will judge you -- and no one anywhere should.

Don't beat yourself up ... AT ALL.

T said...

I hate that you're beating yourself up for this. What else are we supposed to be but angry? Even after success, it's still so hard.

Tina said...

I am glad you had the courage to publish it... It is your blog, first and foremost, and you can do pretty much what you want.

But, more importantly, you need to vent about how YOU feel vs. the stupid comments a friend makes who choses to judge without asking for background. We don't have the luxury of letting it "just happen" (although I am forever grateful to finally get to experience that...). We have to plan, save, schedule. It is an art-form, in a way. And, if that means skipping an event in order to try to achieve your dreams, so be it.

LJ said...

I hadn't even gotten around to most blogs yesterday, and Mr. Badger came home and said "Mel had some really good posts today" - he was right.

Nearlydawn said...

Actually, I didn't see this post before I read your "Manifesto". I really thought it was very inspiring post, and one I am considering sharing with my Mom.

I did not see your manifesto as angry at all, just an expression of the things it takes to get through treatments in a way that non-IF'ers might be able to comprehend.

Bravo darling - thank you for having the courage to post that wonderful manifesto.

niobe said...

Heh. I have 161 draft post in my folder.

Billy said...

Unpublished posts.. In an old blog I had, I had plenty of unpublished posts. When I started this blog, I didn't want to be messy (in my eyes all those unpublished posts makes the blog messy!), so I have a rule - if by the next day I'm still not sure about publishing, then I delete it. Sometimes for me it's good enough just to write and vent. And sometimes I would feel the need to write it again, and maybe this time I would hit the publish button..

And your manifesto, the post you were thinking whether to post or not, I agree with the comments - a great post, and damn good that you decided to hit the publish button! It is good that you know what you want and need, and great that you could write it and blog it.

[and the - oh, what's just one month of sitting out... don't they know it's eternity!?]