I don't have the heart to take her name off of the peer counselor list. She was the person who gave me the questions to ask the hematologist and she is the person who told me to push for the Folgard that I take every night. And I can't stand the thought of not having her name there. So I removed the link to her email address and left up her name. Because she was here and she was in our community. And she will be missed.
It is really hard to write anything after writing that. It is probably very hard to read anything after reading that. There is no pause long enough.
Two weeks ago, I asked for songs that made you feel good. That made you feel like rolling down the car windows or marching into the RE's office and grabbing the dildo cam like a microphone (wait...what? Mel never said anything about grabbing the dildo cam. I don't even do karaoke...).
This week, switching gears. Because sometimes you need a good cry. This list is the absolute best movies to bring on a cry. A loud, cathartic, entire-box-of-tissues cry. I will kick it off with Steel Magnolias. Say what you want about Dolly Parton and Julia Roberts and big hair, but that scene after the funeral? I still cannot watch Sally Field in anything else without thinking about that scene. Brokeback Mountain almost killed me (especially when he visited the parents). Late Summer Blues (and I've seen it 3000 times so I always know what's coming). Contact (when she sees her dad). Run with it: what do you watch when you need to have a good cry and get it all out? Put down as many as you can think up before you hit "post" on your comment.
It feels very strange to take two days off from doing Lost and Found. It almost feels like there needs to be a weekend edition when I'm back to unguarded Internet access.
Lori has yet another cool idea that will reveal the interconnectedness of our blogs. Click here to read more.
So...we're almost at that time...the 30th...and the end of the First Happiness Challenge. I'm going to be frank; I really sucked at this. Next month, I'm stealing Calliope's idea and taking myself out for coffee once a week. But if you are participating, starting looking through any notes you took over the course of the month and post about the Challenge starting on the 30th (Sunday). Here are the original directions from the post:
Keep a running post about your ritual that you will publish on September 30th. Keep it in your draft folder, but add to it over time to talk about your ritual--how it makes you feel, whether or not it is bringing you happiness, whether you had to change your ritual mid-challenge, whether you'll keep at it indefinitely. If you don't have a blog, keep your thoughts on a Word document that you can send to me right before September 30th and I'll post it for you.Hope you have had more luck that I have in keeping to the Challenge. Next month's challenge is maybe a little easier? Harder? Easier? I'm not sure. More about that next week.
Do you know what would make me happy? To win this. You should enter too. There's still time. A warning before you click over, the blog is called 5 Minutes for Mom. But the ladies there are very very cool.
Now, the blogs...
I was absolutely transfixed by Kami's recounting at Are We There Yet? of her egg donor's retrieval. Not the actual procedure since that was pretty textbook, but the emotions behind a known egg donor cycle. It was so moving, the friendship that has grown between these three people, and so honest, raw, emotional. She writes: "Sometimes it is hard to take in - the things you have been willing to do, the unwished for events that you learned to embrace, the next best option you decided was no longer on the "will not do" list - all in a quest to have a child. A quest others achieve by simply falling into each others arms in a moment of passion. It boggles the mind." Even more moving is the end of the post where Kami and her husband repeat a ritual they have done for every IVF cycle: "That night, Brad and I drove to our clinic so we could wave at our embryos from the parking lot. It has been a ritual to visit our embryos every day between retrieval and transfer since our first IVF. I don't think that they can sense our warm thoughts and expressions of love from five stories below, but maybe they can. Either way, it helps us feel more connected to them. Last night was no exception, but it was different...[but] those embryos know us. They know Brad because it was his body that grew the sperm. They know me because the eggs felt the love and support I had for Belinda while they were growing. They already know our energy and now they are waiting to come home." And if that doesn't make a cry catch in your throat, you have no heart. Go over and read the whole piece. It is long, but well worth it.
Also on the egg donor front is Bylthe's post on Over Hard about choosing an egg donor. Or, as she states, her replacement. She goes through numerous traits and why they are important to her, adding, "Again - my understudy should be as close to the original cast as possible, no?" It was an entirely new way of looking at donor eggs that I hadn't considered yet. The idea of finding a "you" out there in the ether. At the end of the post, she is on the brink of hitting send. It really is a moment of holding one's breath, the possibilities of finding yourself out there.
GirlH at More Than a Tata has a post I like this week that promises to be continued once life settles down over in Tataville. It is about the friendships that don't make it through infertility and loss. You should read this post now so when GirlH updates soon, you'll know what she's talking about. You will probably spend at least part of the post nodding your head in agreement.
Jenn at Adventures In-Fertility had a great post about the hurry-up-and-wait nature of infertility as well as the idea of time moving too fast to slow down or too slow to speed up. The waiting waiting waiting is well-known in infertility. But Jenn writes about the waiting that takes place even after the long-awaited baby arrives: "And yet, somewhere along the way, we want that baby to reach its 'milestones' as quickly as possible. So we hurry up and wait. And while we were hurried, and while we were waiting, we find that the baby is only five weeks away from her first birthday. And I am typing through tears as I realize that her whole life is going to be lived in fast forward from this point forward. I cannot slow it down. I wish I could 'freeze frame', slow-mo, whatever you call it. I want her to reach those milestones, I am so excited for every single one of them. And yet, with each one that she reaches I realize she is that much closer to her independence. One day she will be completely grown, and I will have to hurry up and wait for grandchildren to start the cycle all over again." She really captures the bittersweet nature of watching a child grow, the sense of life moving on fast forward.
Lastly, this post at The Maybe Baby cracked me up. I think it was the graphic. But still, that dream...
Wait...I said, wait...give me your sad movies. Your clutching-an-entire-wad-of-
tissues-while-sobbing sad movie. The one that made you feel like you had been cleaned out from the inside by the time the closing credits rolled. Anything that brings on the cry.
Pictures from Chincoteague (including deer that were five feet away from my camera--yes, mum, I walked that close to tick-infested deer while on vacation) coming soon. Including another ode to why I love this crazy island and how Josh has scared the SHIT out of me by quoting An Inconvenient Truth since we arrived, reminding me with every breath about island erosion.