I could make an appointment with my local therapist to deal with all my frustrations of this latest chapter in the trying-to-get-a-baby-to-form/stay-in-my-uterus chronicles, or I could just make a film for the upcoming IIFF and deal with those emotions that way. The IIFF is not only free (whereas my therapist charges me a $20 copay and makes me drive a half hour), but you have the chance to win fabulous prizes this time. It may be possible to work through my fears about loss and missed chances AND win a bottle of Love Juice.*
I spent yesterday afternoon working on the music to the sequel of Mother Earth's Flower Shop. It is called "The Gardener Knows" and it explains loss in simple to understand terms that are appropriate for both a child and your idiot Aunt Jane who tells you to just try again because it wasn't a real baby.
It is really hard to sing it. I'm not just talking about the fact that it is completely out of my range and you're going to hear a bit of the old warble when you listen. It's because I made it general enough to refer to both a failed cycle and pregnancy loss. To all the hope you plant in the ground that never springs up to life.
Frank at PostSecret has a message up this week about why he took a brief break from the Secrets Project. A person asked him if his absence was the beginning of the end and he responded, "It's not the beginning of the end of PostSecret. But maybe it is the end of the beginning."
I am not taking a break from blogging (you can't get rid of me that easily!), but there is a sense emotionally that I've come to the end of the beginning with this round of trying to conceive. Josh said that I've sounded down in many of my recent posts and I haven't even posted the ones that I felt were too morose, though I am considering working backwards and posting one of them later this week to (1) take it out of my drafts folder and (2) cut myself loose of it. I have been down. I've been really frustrated. I've felt very much strangled by time and money and people not moving fast enough. I yelled at a poor nurse at my doctor's office today because she was still focusing on the timing of this progesterone test and I exploded with, "isn't it indicative of a larger problem than just progesterone if I'm not ovulating regularly? I. Don't. Have. Time. For. This."
It literally comes down to the fact that I can't sense what will happen next. When I was finishing college, I knew that grad school came next. And if it wasn't grad school, I was going to take the year to live on a kibbutz in Israel. I knew what the future looked like and while my first choice was definitely my first choice, my second choice made me happy too.
Since my first choice to conceive at home hasn't been coming true, it is time to move onto my second choice. And this is where it gets murkier--is it better to spend the money on IVF or adoption? How will we pay for this? How will it affect the family?
I wish that my life was like a little advent calendar working my way towards holding that child. And I could just peek behind all the doors and see a little glimpse of the future. And know whether I'm on the right path (this hypothetical advent calendar would be more like a choose-your-own-adventure path to the goal with the ability to flip a few pages ahead and know if the choice you're making is going to bring you to the prize or towards some horrible end forcing you to start over at the beginning yet again).
I wish I knew if I was making the right choices. Where is my Disney-issued fairy godmother when I need her?
*It's not too late to enter and make a film. We just started this new cartoon last night. You could make a film that is a montage of pictures set to music in one evening. Come on...join. Don't you want a little Love?
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
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14 comments:
I wish there was a way to figure out if we were taking the right path too, but it there's nothing to do but go forward and see what happens, is there? I'm sorry it's so frustrating.
"I wish I knew if I was making the right choices" - NO KIDDING!!! It seems like you are very aware of the phases, the ebbs and flows of your emotional being. Doesn't necessarily make it easier to live through, but I'm sure it helps your people (Josh) see/hear where you're coming from.
just finished my entry for IIFF and I can't wait to share it!! It is VERY cathartic creating these movies. I created mine with all my stupid coworkers in mind. All my fertile mertile coworkers who have no clue what's like to try to create life outside the bedroom. It was a great way to vent my frustrations towards them.
I empathize with ALL those emotions.
But I have to comment on the choose-your-path-adventures! Did you read those too? I read geeky fantasy ones with dragons and other bizare creatures. I loved 'em! It would really be nice if life was like that. If you could peek ahead and see that the evil sorcerer was going to poof all your dreams into oblivion. And then take the bridge instead of the tunnel to avoid him.
*sigh* that would be nice
"I wish I knew if I was making the right choices."
G-d knows I'm in the same boat. Guessing and then second guessing the next steps - never knowing which is the right path to take.
I think, though, in the end - it doesn't matter. Whichever path you take, it's going to be the right one. It's the choosing part that's hard.
*HUG* I'm thinking of you, hon.
Ah, the adoption or IVF question. I've thought about that a lot, too. If it got to that point, I would SO go for adoption if I knew that IVF would be more emotional and physical pain than it was worth--with an uncertain outcome. When you find your fairy godmother, send her my way, too!
the guessing and the second and third guessing....it's horribly tiresome and frustrating. i'm sorry your feeling it so acutely right now. take care of yourself and when you and Jeff are ready, you can decide what "second choice" means to you. regardless, the two of you will be moving forward...
you should post your moodier posts. it's a great way to let some of those emotions go, as you know.
good luck, Mel. thinking of you!
I do understand your frustrations - and know only too well the feeling!
And do share your morose posts, that's what we're here for.... x
It's so frustrating that we don't get to be omniscient. Whose idea was that?
But am I the only one who's excited to see your next movie and song? BTW, if you ever want to import a high voice, I could always record for you on GarageBand and then upload somewhere. If you want. But you sing beautifully.
Just saw the 'Aunt Jane' video... LOVED IT!!! It made me laugh, that's always good :)
From the videos and your post it sounds like you are really into music. You should look at the book Tao of Music, I saw in the B&N a couple weeks back. I couldn't afford to buy it but it had some good stuff in there.
My other post to you didn't post but... I know the feelings of irritation/ frustration. I can't tell you the number of times I said, "If someone would just tell me when or how I was going to get my baby, I would be okay." It's whole not knowing thing that drives me insane since I am a planner by nature.
I just want you to know that I know egg-actly what you mean ;)
"It literally comes down to the fact that I can't sense what will happen next." I can so relate to that. Uncertainty eats at your heart and soul when you need it the least!
"I wish that my life was like a little advent calendar working my way towards holding that child." That sentence of yours made me cry... Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thinking of you!
I wish I had that crystal ball for you. Since I don't, I'll just wish you best of luck with the song.
Bea
It's the hardest thing to try to figure out which path will lead you to your baby. I wish more than anything that it wasn't so frustrating. I've said it a million times, but I laugh and roll my eyes at the old "me" who was soooo nervous I'd get pregnant "accidentally." HA! :)
I'm thinking of you, Mel, and sending TONS of good wishes:)
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