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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Declaring Myself Made

This is the item that is going to change my life. Or, at the very least, the state of my desk.

I can't find anything. My desk is literally a mess of post-it notes with a computer in the center. I have a phone call I've been meaning to make for five days now. There is a post-it note somewhere to remind me to do this. But I don't know where it is in the pile.

(This may not actually gibe with how you've been picturing me based on my extremely anal side-bar, but I have organizing tendencies that don't always mesh with my organizational resources).

Bea posted a video by Cake this week for the Great Cake Day of the song "Love You Madly" which contains the wonderful line: " I don't want to fake it / I just want to make it." Because isn't that the message that is continuously looping through the IF community? Just fake it until you make it. And I'm with Cake. I'm done faking it. I just want to make it.

I don't want to hold back
I don't want to slip down
I don't want to think back to the one thing that I know I
Should have done

Which then brought me to Serenity's recent post about work. She wrote something that really struck a chord with me and after an email exchange with her, sent me off to Staples for a spur-of-the-moment life makeover in the form of a briefcase/planner: "It was quite a blow to my self-esteem, which has already suffered from infertility. So not only can I not manage to get pregnant, which quite frankly is my real focus... but I can't even manage to do a good enough job with my career such that I have opportunities to do something else which interests me."

Prior to ever trying to conceive, when shit happened with work or other similar places in life, I may have had an afternoon of tears, but I could cheer myself up with a night out with some friends where we bashed my employer. I could cheer myself up with a trip to Starbucks. I saw them as disappointments, not tragedies. But once we found out we couldn't conceive? Every disappointment became rolled up in the giant injustice that is infertility. Fine, I could accept the fact that I was fucked up biologically. My hormone levels were not within my control. But work was supposed to be within my control. So every disappointment there became a frustration of epic proportions that just served to smash my self-esteem even more.

The planner is going to change all of that. It's going to put things into a different perspective. First off, it's going to make me look like a thirty-something (ran into a client while out in the supermarket this weekend wearing sweatpants and a bandana. That looked great. And did I pretend not to see him when we passed in the produce section? No, I shouted out a big, "it's me, Melissa!" when he looked at me inquisitively. Brilliant). Secondly, it's going to make me organized.

Thirdly, I'm going to say fuck it. I've made it. This is it. I'm not waiting for anything else to happen. I'm going to declare myself in control--perhaps not of my wonky hormones but of my journey. And if I spend a day crying, it is because I choose to spend the day crying because I am in control (and I am sad). And if I have questions about a test result, I am going to march back into the doctor's office and kindly say, "hey, I really don't get this; can you explain this again?" instead of slinking out to the car and kicking myself along the way. And I am going to go to work holding my planner/briefcase and know what the hell I have to accomplish that week instead of sifting through piles of post-its.

I mean, there will still be post-its. Believe me, I have already slipped a new pack inside the planner. But they will now be portable instead of drowning my desk.

I'm grabbing control over anything I can control with my grubby little hands. Everything else is receiving a "fuck it" until emotions actually kick in (I predict somewhere close to ovulation) and remind me that I really really really do care and I'm really sad when I don't get what I've worked hard to achieve. In any area of life.


TeamWinks said...

I need to get my hands on one of those suckers!

Leah said...

Amen! I can't decide if I'm more crazy about your generous use of the phrase "fuck it" or if it's just the overall I-own-this-place-damnit tone of your post.

Either way, I loved it! I wish you many more beautifully organized work days in the near future.

Bea said...

I didn't realise how appropriate that song was when I posted it. But ever since you quoted that line, I keep singing it in my head. There's a real "I'm sick of this shit, let's get on to the good stuff already" tone. Well, it's probably more than a tone...

Wait, I'm going to listen to it again... Ok, done!

I hope your organiser is everything you've dreamed it to be. And yes, I am altering my mental image of you to include disorganised post-its. I think the post-its were already there, but they were neater.


Michell said...

You go girl. That organizer is great. I love post it notes and use them all over my desk (at home when I have one) too until my cats start stealing them. The the whole organization goes to hell in a hand basket.

May said...

I have post-its, both at work and at home. Only, the home ones have been buried under the epic invasion of books, notebooks, pens, and CD-Roms that has swamped the tiny computer desk. So I can't find one to use it when I need to make a note. And at work, my colleagues keep pinching them, so I lock them in my desk drawer and promptly lose the key, so I know they're in there, but now no one can use them. Most notes now made on scraps of envelope and blu-tacked to edge of computer screen. Not ideal. I'm sure I can make a good metaphor out of it all, but it's half-past-seven in the morning and technically, I'm checking my work email now. Technically. Shhh, don't tell.

Your organiser looks so handsome!

KarenO said...

I need about 5 of them! Good for you for taking control. Let's all march down the road, singing that song, and make everyone seeing us have a mild attack of slack-jaw-itis at these wild women taking control of their (insert whatever you feel like right now!) :D

Geohde said...

I hyper-organise everything. I like the sense of control and organisation it gives me.

Unfortunately I keep forgetting that just because I take my various meds perfectly and have well timed sex (sometimes involving reminder post-its for the other half!) it doesn't mean that I'll conceive.


Caro said...

I'm with you, taking control of the part of life I can control. Starting with an interview for a new job this morning.

Kim said...

I completely relate to the self-esteem part. I had zero before infertility, worked super-hard to get some, and now it's gone.

I do like the organizer. Control is a good thing these days!

serenity said...

You GO girl. You take back control and let your life know that YOU are the boss.


Dianne/Flutter said...

Your new philosophy of "F*ck it." Well, it was my philosophy on our cruise. And it was the happiest I've been in a long time. Good luck with the organization :).

Pamela Jeanne said...

"Every disappointment became rolled up in the giant injustice that is infertility." Yes, it's quite true that all becomes viewed through the lens of infertility and magnified as a result. The vast majority of fertiles when having a bad day can can lose themselves in the happy distraction of their mastery over biology and their kids...

ultimatejourney said...

I'm having a "fuck it" kind of week too. Except I'm post-ovulation. Weird.

Good luck with the new organizer.

Michelle said...

Great post, and great attitude. Own your emotions, ask your questions, and go for what you want.

I also suffer from post-it note/scrap-of-paper syndrome. Please let me know if the planner is effective!

SarahSews said...

I made a similar decision at the beginning of the year. I'm going to take back control and live the life I would have lived if I our possible fertility were a mystery. I threw myself into workouts, and planning a long overdue vacation to Paris, and gardening and sewing and just enjoying my life. Still not pregnant, but damn am I having some fun! Hubby is too.

I hope the planner helps you feel more in control. :)

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I've had a "fuck it" attitude for over a year. Maybe if I thought of things like "fuck it I'm taking charge of my life" things would get better. Thanks for this post it might have given me the swift kick in my ass I need!

BestLight said...

Ahhh. Control and its elusive nature.

We can't work our way out of IF.

We can't study our way out.

We can't research our way out, earn our way out, pray our way out or any-other-verb our way out.

That's what sucks for people who have figured out how to be successful in other arenas.

SaraS-P said...

Good luck with the organizing.

I am all for saying "Fuck it," when necessary.

Inconceivable said...

I feel inspired. I say Fuck it ALOT

Anonymous said...

Control...if only there were truly such a thing. Even the biologically advantaged people who can conceive more easily don't really have control over it. The random circumstances that aligned for them to conceive aren't under their control. Had a tough conversation with a friend who cancelled our lunch date because her other friend really needed her. She found out she was pregnant and didn't want to go through with the pregnancy. Life is fucking ironic, and as I like to say, "Deserves ain't got nothin' to do with it." Fuck it all indeed! Thanks for the great post!

Kami said...

It must be a week to think about work - I just accepted a position yesterday. I was unemployed for 4 months for IVF's #3 and #4. I am hoping being productive in some aspect of my life will be helpful.

Melissa, please forgive my ignorance regarding this next question. You have kids, right? Don't the wounds of infertility get a little bit easier to deal with after having at least one child? Please tell me it does.

Wen782 said...

Oh, my dear. I live with the fuckit phrase in my heart over a great many things. I also live with a mega pack of those teeny tiny postit shits at work and a smaller pack of teeny postits at home.

The little things are everywhere. They are my personal sea of "don't forget me!" notes that I can't remember what I was trying to remind myself of when I look at them. Once in a while, I go through and weed out the ones I truly can't remember the cause for.

Yeah, so I suck. Fuck it. :) LOL

Changing Expectations said...

Fuck it is a phrase used often in my house. Good luck with your organization.

Trish said...