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Tuesday, February 27, 2007

And the Oscar Goes to...

I want to win an Oscar.

I know I don't act or direct or even watch many movies. But I'd like to win the highest honour the film industry has for its practitioners. In fact, as I was watching the Oscars last night, my heart was breaking a little as I realized that I would never be on stage, crying in the spotlight as my hand fluttered over my heart, thanking the Academy. And my mother. And G-d.

Oh...shit...and Josh.

It really wouldn't be enough to be nominated. I want to win one. I want to have people put the words "Oscar winner" before my name every time I'm being introduced. I want to change the rules slightly to include jeans and a t-shirt on the red carpet because I'm not that into dresses. But if I had to wear a dress, I'd wear a dress. You know, to pick up my award.

Does anyone else think like this while they're watching the awards? Become overwhelmingly sad that you'll never get to be an Oscar winner?

I feel this way every year when they announce the Nobel Prize. In every category. I don't even like chemistry and can't recite half the periodic table, but I'd love to win a Nobel Prize in chemistry. Or peace. I think I'm pretty peaceful. I'd love to win that one. Or literature. I mean, how cool would that be? Maybe even better than having "Oscar winner" before your name is "Nobel Prize winner." And since I have an MFA, it would make sense to win the literature one. More than physics perhaps.

The Fields medal. It would be nice to win one of those. Or a Pulitzer. Maybe for a novel.

The last time I really felt this strong a sense of loss over not being qualified to win a prize was during the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City. I was lying on the floor, watching speed skaters and moaning about how I was never going to be good enough to compete in any sport and now I was old, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD, and my hair was greying and my knees were crap and I. Was. Never. Going. To. Be. An. Olympic. Athlete. Ever. Ever. Ever.

I brought this dilemma to my students and explained that I didn't even really want to play any Olympic sport. I just wanted to win and get the medal and have the American flag waving and the entire stadium singing for me. So we set up our own Olympics. And they were all sports where no one needed training in order to compete. Standing on one leg. Lying still on the floor. Synchronized drawing.

I competed in several events along with the children. And because a team was disqualified for inappropriate lyrics in a choreographed eating routine, I won the gold medal with my team. On the day of the award ceremony, my middle school head bought us medals and placed them around our neck in a reenactment of the real Olympic ceremony. Someone held a flag over our heads and the whole middle school sang the national anthem to me. It was just as fulfilling as if I had won a real Olympic medal. I swear. I really didn't need to be in the actual Olympics--it was really enough to be in our school Olympics. I wore my medal to school for weeks afterward and had the kids put "Olympic gold medalist" before my name. I still have this medal.

But now I'm not teaching anymore. And I want to win an Oscar. So how am I going to do this?

Any suggestions?


Bea said...

I guess that would be my queue to suggest you could enter a film in the International Infertility Film Festival.



Venusuvian Debs said...

I recommend getting a couple of tips from Smarshy, seen as he was a skivy in Hollywood?

Kris said...

I have been thinking about something similar for a while...(here we are on the same wavelength again)... I thought about doing something similar to your creme de la creme- everyone telling a story of when they pulled on their Oscar-worthy performance of attending a baby shower after a BFN. Or smiling rather than shrieking through a meeting while hopped up on Clomid. Anytime you got through an event and thought... "Hollywood my ass... THAT was real acting."

But I haven't, because I have no idea how to organize it. And I'm lazy. I think people could give their acceptance speeches on their blog (in so-many words or less, or the music starts to play). But the actual giving of the award has me stumped.

Karaoke Diva said...

Ah, this one is right up my alley, but not because I want to win an award. I get sad when I watch things like the Oscars because I know it'll be many many years before I get to be a part of the theatre again. I was HEAVILY involved in the theatre in HS and college. I acted, directed, built sets, decorated sets, handled props, designed lighting plans, built and managed costumes, and did hair and makeup. I loved it all.

When I graduated from college I was offered a job in a local theatre company several times, but I could never take it because I was too worried about money (theatre doesn't pay well). And now I'm an old married lady with a kid and I know I'll never be back in the theatre until either my kids are involved in it or they are out of the house.

I wish I'd had the balls to follow my dream when I had the chance and not worry about money. But that's just not me.

serenity said...

Hmmmm. I think, if I ever won an Oscar, I'd probably freak out on stage because of all the people looking at me.

(Course, the whole stage fright thing probably means I'll never win an Oscar.)

I like kris's idea. Perhaps virtual Oscars - one for best performance in a comedy (ie any one of Watson's posts), etc etc etc.

Sort of a creme de la creme - with statues? We could all vote and stuff too. (And since I happen to audit for a job, I can count and tally the votes.)

I'm getting carried away with my imagination. Good idea tho.

Jamie said...

*laugh* I always feel this way about the Miss America and Miss USA pageants! :)

C said...

Glad to know that I'm not the only one who's mentally written my Oscar acceptance speech. You know, for my stellar performance in whatever movie is hot that year.

I like the idea of blog Oscars. Sort of similar to the blog awards out there already, only with hardware. Oh, and film montage tributes. And a host. And Joan and Melissa Rivers asking all of us what we're wearing.

Ann said...

It could still totally happen - if they made a movie based on your blog, you could get writing credit, right? And then, when the actress who played you won best actress, she'd thank you for being so inspiring, and the cameras would pan over to you. So you'd get to give a speech, and be thanked in a speech. It could happen.

Your Olympics story makes me think of how I felt when Sally Ride came and talked at the college where I work. All of a sudden it hit me that I would never be an astronaut, which was a dream of mine as a child. I was just too old. Hearing Sally Ride speak is probably as close as I'll ever get.

Piccinigirl said...

um, admitting this really hurts, but I always make up an "acceptance speech" every year right before the Oscars. I just love these awards shows and if I can't win one, I can at least PRETEND that I did.

ooh Virtual Oscars...we could TOTALLY do that!!