Melissa, a thought provoking post as always!

This is so interesting. The cycle I realized that our road to parenthood was going to be longer (possibly much longer) than we hoped, was a doozy for us. It was our eighth cycle, I was spotting again and shopping for a baby shower gift for his oldest sister at Target. His other sister called on his cell phone to tell us she had just (like in the last few hours) found out she was pregnant. She'd been married 4 months. I stood in that Target and cried like no tomorrow.

I desperately wanted to avoid going to his oldest sister's shower the following Saturday. It meant traveling 350 miles and staying at his parents house for the weekend while I was haviny my period and I was feeling very emotionally fragile. He refused to let me back out. And then his newly pg sister asked me to take over hosting duties for the shower (which was at her house) so that she could go to a funeral. I felt like saying no would make me an ass so we went. It was absolutely the lowest point of our married life.

After that, it was slow going but it did get better. Counseling with a social worker at our clinic helped us tremendously. He finally understood that I needed him to support me above all else (no matter whose feelings got hurt)and he finally does. Go DH! Knowing that does make me more open to others and more okay with everything baby related. Feeling less alone makes all the grief much more bearable.

I've always felt incredibly lucky to have Mr. Mandolyn right by my side through all of this. Once when we were dating he remarked, "Of course I want kids. I just wouldn't feel like my life had a point if I didn't have any." I melted. That was a hard line to hear over and over in my head as we kept getting BFNs. He doesn't struggle as outwardly with his emotions as I do, but I know that IF hits him equally has hard. He is very protective of me and my feelings. He teaches and had to go to a baby shower at work where he was asked along with other guests to offer up parenting advice. We'd miscarried two weeks before. It was hard on him, too. I think I really felt like a solid team when he talked to me about it-it was only the second time I've seen him cry. He had thought of it as weak, like he needed to be strong for me, to guard and protect me, but I was just glad to feel like my feelings were justified. We've both dealt with guarded hearts with this pregnancy, but it's reassuring to know that we do it together. He's said out loud, "We can't lose this one. Not this time. How could I ever handle it?" Now I realize that we could weather whatever storm we wandered into, but I felt a bit better knowing that he was verbalizing what goes through my head constantly.

My husband definitely holds back and he tries to hold me back as well, and I know it's because he feels responsible for keeping me "safe". Man's nature is to be protective of his mate.

However, he still has a hard time letting me grieve, rant, piss and moan when things are crappy. He wants to be happy, and therefore wants me to be happy with him. When I'm sad, he thinks he has to be sad with me.

Verbally, he's a...well there's no nice way of saying...a putz. His auto response to my crazy moments is to tell me I'm "being ridiculous" and I want to knee him. However, when he goes to apologize, he does it by writing a letter and he writes the most powerful things I have ever read. Truly. I keep asking him to write about what our IF has done to him and I would publish it for him, but he resists.

I have to admit that I'm glad he's not like me, or like any woman. I'm too much to stand at times. There doesn't need to be two of me. He's perfect in his way.

ahh.. more reason to love DD - she's saving me some typing here. just stick my name at the bottom of her comment, that's pretty much my husband too.

He's actually the reason I blog - when I spent two full days crying (sobbing? wailing? yeah, that too) after our first IUI failed, and was a miserable wreck at my sister's wedding (because she was pregnant and I was on CD1), he told me I was obsessing... Til that point, he'd been my only outlet, and I think I threw a little too much overwrought emotion at him. Combine that with the fact that he thought he was failing me every failed cycle.. and I totally get why he had a hard time listening to be and being supportive.

'S ok with me, I like blogland.

For now, I have come to accept my husband's way of expressing sadness over each failed cycle. He hugs me more, makes an extra special dinner for us, and has a fire going in the fireplace when I get home. It upsets him to see me fall apart and be negative. He is saddened by each failure, but he is also still "patient" after 18 months, and figures it will happen when it is meant to happen. He goes into each cycle with fresh optimism, while I tend to guard myself against hope. In this way, we seem the opposite of anam.

Like dd, I'm mostly glad that my husband is different than I am, though I sometimes wish he could understand the sad depths to which I can plunge.

Oh, and ditto ~r about the reason for blogging. Although I'm only now -- right now -- letting anyone know it exists.

Yes. my husband is incredibly supportive. I don't think there was a turning point, I think it was gradual. After watching my sadness increase after each loss, I think he gradually realized that sometimes he needed to just let me be sad. He seems to know just the right balance of letting me wallow in sadness and avoid life just enough, vs when to make me get out of bed and do something social.

My hubby tried very hard to be supportive and encouraging but never really understood. He sat back and let me make the decisions thinking that that's what I needed. He never gave any input. He never told me what he wanted. Then one day, after my surgery, as we were preparing for IUI, we went to my doctor's office for an ultrasound to check on my ovaries. After months of building myself up for the moment I received my first shot, the start of the invasive treatments, my doctor looked at me and said, "You need to go on the birth control pill."

Needless to say, that was not a good moment for me. I completely lost it. When we got home, I looked at Bob and said, "Play the man card. Make a decision here." To which he said, "You're done. I can't watch you go through this anymore." And finally, after years of infertility, we were on the same page.

Six months later, after our children came home, Bob and I were laying in bed, listening to our kids, OUR KIDS, playing and he told me, "I never knew that something was missing. You knew, but I didn't understand. Now I know. I know what you were feeling all that time. I'm so sorry."

We did things a bit backwards compaired to others in the IF world, we always seem to do things backwards.

Our turning point came after we had attended an adoption conference in Toronto. We had been to a few before, came very close to being chosen as parents for a child but Sgt's career seemed to be a roadblock the social workers could not overlook. I was feeling low.

While sitting on the couch talking about the conference and our chances this time Sgt turns to me and says 'Let's find a fertility clinic and see if they can help.'
I had thought about donor sperm but did not bring it up to him because I did not want to hurt his feelings. He was the one that said to me it did not matter if the child was genetically linked to him. That was one of our turning points.

The next came after my miscarriage in May. I was a wreck and he was the one Googling Grief, Counselling, Pregnancy Loss etc. I blamed myself and he was the one to tell me I shouldn't. He wanted to stop but left the final decision up to me. I'm a tenacious gal and wanted to keep pushing forward. I know he can't fully understand why I want to keep putting myself through the hurt and heartache but let's me vent, cry, rant.

This last cycle we found ourselves on the same page. This would be our last and I was OK with that. I had finally figured out that our lives would be fine, we would be fine.

I'm with DD too...The husband and I have had many a disagreement over how he "doesn't care." In actality-he does care, but by being strong, he is trying to protect me. Ya...sometimes I hate it too-but really-if there were two of me, and two of dd....The world might be a much scarier place! :) Thanks for another awesome post mel!

Good Seed--I can't comment on your blog or add it to my blogroll. And I wanted to write you back but I couldn't figure out a way. If you get this, you can email me:

thetowncriers@gmail.com

Finally, someone who understands!

My husband and I have been trying to get pg for almost two years. I recently miscarried and it was almost more than I could bear. My husband has been so wonderful and I realize how hard this is on his, as well.

Since our miscarriage, four of my friends have become pregnant. Four extremely close friends, not the ones you hardly see or speak to. At first, my husband didn't really "get it", when I needed to distance myself from these friends. I mean, two weeks after our miscarriage and they're popping up pregnant all over the place! Over time, its gotten a little easier, but there are still days when I see their phone number on my caller ID and I just let that phone ring. Thankfully, my hubby now understands, but it took a little while for him to see that I wasn't being a "bad friend" to them, I was trying to be good to myself.

We're now trying IUI w/Clomid. I am very nervous. We've been through so much and want to start our family so badly. Wish us luck and the best to all of you who are trying, too!