Listen, new is bad. That's just the way it is. Internet Explorer tricked me into loading an update and now my Web browser is seventeen kinds of messed up. I can't find and use my favourites folder easily. I can't even find the "search" feature anymore. My Internet Explorer essentially looks like Mozilla Firefox. And I didn't use Mozilla Firefox for a reason. That reason being that it's fucking annoying. And now I'm stuck with this new Web browser.
And it makes me feel completely off-kilter.
Like my whole world is leaning a little bit right now.
There were a slew of pregnancy annoucements these past two weeks: Jessica, Michelle, Inglewood. Congratulations! I'm sorry--I know I read more than just three (including Mary in the wish stone's comment section who got a positive beta after eight years of IF after wishing on the stone--how freaky is that?) this week. So if you received a positive, this is a huge note of congratulations to you too.
We all know that a good vent feels...well...so good. So I wanted to bring you the best vent I found this week in order to inspire you with your own. Get all those crappy feelings out before the weekend. Square Peg, Round Whole had a vent post called "Crabby." She begins the list by saying, "Just to give you a sense of what else is running through my head, and perhaps for the sake of catharsis, allow me to make a list of several things that have been bothering me, on more or less a daily basis" and ends the list with the wonderfully cathartic: "OK, that feels a little better. I won't do the whole "now here is what I'm grateful for" list because I know that things could be SO, SO much worse, and I know that for the most part I should consider myself insanely lucky. Plus I just feel like moping. So there." And it was just such a good vent. And by now, she's feeling better. See, isn't good to get it all off your chest?
There were two great posts this week that went hand-in-hand. One was on newly-minted mom, Barely Sane's blog, Infertility Licks (which has moved over to the "parenting after adoption" category on the side bar) and the other was on Cibele's Hoping For Better Days (now in English so I can stop plugging her entries into Babelfish in order to read along). Cibele writes: "Then I remember we will be the only ones childless out of our group. I was reminded one more time what I failure I feel like sometimes. Than I cried, I cried, I cried… DH cannot understand it. HE said, but I don’t want her baby, I want our baby… He then told me that I use not to be a jealous person. I AM NOT, I AM NOT A JEALOUS PERSON…and that makes me feel even worse to cry over her happy news." Barely Sane has an equally powerful post called "Mending Fences" that has the same message: "DH wants me to get over it. I do not. Just because we have Ashlyn now does not change some of the things they said and did to us. It does not take away the hurt they caused us... some of which was intentional."
It took a long time for my husband to understand female relationships and how fertility is processed in that world. Perhaps it's because pregnancies are so inherently female--it all takes place inside our bodies. Perhaps it's something biological--a chemical reaction that takes place inside the brain when we're around fertile women that reminds us of our state. Perhaps it's just that women are more sensitive and more comparative in nature? I don't know. But this is a clip from my journal from back in January of 2003:
"I have been sad all morning, crumpled up inside of myself. I can't get motivated to write or do schoolwork. I don't want to cry, but I keep bursting into tears...Josh makes me feel guilty for being sad. He was pissed at me today when J called to tell me that she had delivered her baby (she got pregnant on the first try, had an easy pregnancy, had an easy labour, and now has a healthy baby) and I didn't want to talk. He hissed at me to take the phone. I know what's best for me. It doesn't help me to talk to J and hear that 'childbirth is the most incredible thing in the world.' I WANT A CHILD."
As you can see, the Josh of today, who tells me to take care of myself and supports me whenever I remove myself from a situation that is just making me sad, came a long way. And I don't fault him for his optimism during the early parts of our journey. I mean, it is good form to get on the phone and congratulate a friend. I understand why he nudged me to do things. But once he pulled back and gave me the space to feel sad or frustrated, I stopped feeling quite as sad and frustrated.
I'd be interested to hear more stories like this: do you have the support you need from your partner in order to make decisions that protects your heart without feeling guilty for making those decisions? What was the turning point that brought you onto the same page?