I didn't tell most that I was undergoing IVF. Partly because I was never open with that private side of me (I'm not one to kiss and tell) and would really feel uncomfortable discussing how many times I did the baby dance with my husband last week because some doctor told me to (except with those wonderful but anonymous faces that became friends on the internets). And partly because I felt broken, imperfect, different because I couldn't do what "normal" women could without a little help. I thought that I would be judged because I had to have assistance to have my children, that they weren't conceived "naturally". Maybe I'm not giving family and friends enough credit. Maybe if I told my story, I could have helped a friend. Who knows... But I too felt the judging eye of the Mullies, whether imagined or not. So, I kept my mouth shut.

Honesty is always better in my book, even if it hurts. When it's me being honest then regardless of what happens down the road I know I at least offered honesty. I've not minded declarations of pregnancy from those with no fertility issues, but I don't care for the smug, holier-than-thou monologues given by those who seem to believe that if you have fertility issues you probably are broken and have somehow brought this on yourself. Even if we manage to have another child I can't, unfortunately, stop being an infertile. The first time you are diagnosed as such it changes who you are and how you see things for the rest of your life. Those who declassify themselves and say "I guess I didn't have a problem" are lying to themselves and lose any positive benefits gained by the struggle itself. I don't want to be that girl, and I wouldn't want it for anyone else either.

I'm all for being honest and open about our infertility. It just makes it easier on us. However, there are always those moments when you have to use discretion.

Well, I'm again in a weird spot. I was diagnosed with endo at 21, and my Doc told me that I could wait awhile, but not too long, or I would progress to more severe endo end up using fertility treatment to have a baby. (ie. don't wait until you're 39 and look at me all surprised lady...)
When I met my DH, he had some ED issues due to a neurological problem, so he thought he had little chance of having kids. And, umm, let's just say our second date worked out better than we thought. And I got pregnant, like that night. We had to explain to people why we were staying together, and why we wanted to keep the baby and what the heck we were thinking to try and make it work when we barely knew each other. So to various infertile people (who we knew had problems, but details were fuzzy...)we must've sounded like evil obnoxious twits, but we were both so shocked that we could get pregnant, that we yipped on like joyous fools.
And yes, every pregnancy since has been a challenge, but there are times when I have shut up about having secondary IF or endo or POF because I feel like "passing" as one of "them". I want to go back to the one time when I felt like everyone else.
I know I should tell the truth, and mostly I do. Interestingly many women who I talk to then tell me about their losses and IF experiences. In my son's Grade One class every mom except one has gone through one or more of IF, MC, stillbirth, preemies, adoption, highrisk birth, etc. Class of 14, and 13 women have goen through this, and we're not all older....makes me scared for the future fertility of humanity.

Well, there's a difference between honesty and Honesty. Honesty (capital H) is the blunt, no-holds-barred, speak without thinking way of telling someone the truth. honesty (lower case h) is the sensitive, think before speaking, compassionate way of telling someone the truth. Both can hurt, but honesty hurts less because the emphasis is on compassion.

I don't want to be treated like a leper by "friends" who have conceived and now don't know how to act around me. Some people will never understand how to behave, partly because they're socially inept and partly because they won't just ask me what they should do. Most *do* have an idea, though, but don't make the effort because walking the tightrope between Honesty and honesty is difficult.

Bottom line: I never want someone to hide their pregnancy from me. If other people know, they need to tell me too. Being the last to know because someone was trying to protect your feelings hurts worse than the momentary pang of learning that yet another friend has conceived. If we're close enough to share TTC/infertility problems, I deserve to know when they get pregnant.

Well, ultimately, case-by-case. Everything like this comes down that way in the end, doesn't it?

But, to generalise - I think if you've got good news, you should have the decency not to crow about it. I was always taught not to be boastful. That was one of our golden rules. But if the "good" thing is pure luck - what's to boast about anyway, dumbass?

I think your script sounds fine. "Because you gave such great advice I thought I'd let you know how things turned out - we are now x weeks pregnant" is all that's needed. After all, isn't it the goal we're interested in, ultimately? And not the pissing contest along the way? The opening's there for further enquiries at the discretion of both parties.

I do think it's polite to let someone know how the story ended, if they've shared it with you along the way. And the periodic disgruntlement against IF bloggers who get pregnant and immediately stop blogging shows I'm not alone in this.

Bea

I agree with you that we do have a bit of an obligation to let your friends know how things turned out. I have a friend who told me, after our CP from IVF #1, that she rides the rollercoaster of IF with me. I know that she's invested, so hell yeah she's going to know right away if/when we ever get the elusive BFP.

And I personally am out about our infertility and have no problem telling people that we're having trouble. Mostly because I get angry at people who have the notion that getting pregnant is just as easy as having sex. And I feel this need to show them that it doesn't work that way for all people.

As for your post about the shitty things people say... I've thought about this for the past few days. I actually don't take offense to someone telling me "we actually didn't end up having a problem like we thought." Mostly because they're at least acknowledging that IF is really hard. They're not discounting that there are people who really do have problems conceiving.

The people who ignore the emotions of IF - the ones who tell you to relax, or go on a vacation, or focus on the "good things in your life" - those are the people who are the most hurtful (and therefore make me the most angry). Because they're essentially telling me that my fear and sadness over our inability to conceive means nothing.

There's no right way to approach any of this - except to be honest when you're upset about something that's been said. I try and do that as tactfully as I can, but it's definitely hard.

I think, as open as I am about my IF and m/c history, it is just better for me personally to share the truth - but, on a case-by-case basis. But the case-by-case basis, for me, has less to do with ther person I am sharing it with and more the situation I am in at the time. If it a BBQ with friends and questions get asked, I will probably say something. If we are at a wedding, I will usually just say that now is not the time to talk about something like that.

Now, the sharing of the outcome is a little sticky here and there - some friends have asked me in the past outright how a cycle went and, with my last m/c, I was very reluctant to share until KNEW it was going to be successful (which, if course, it was not). But, because they asked and they KNEW I was going through a medicated cycle, I ended up telling and in the end, it was best because they were there for me through the loss.

But, during that same time, I ended up not telling certain people at all because they were going through their own IF struggles at the time (and one person in particular still is) - and, it bit me in the butt because they found out through other people anyway. I didn't want to tell because 1) I was scared to in fear of another loss (which I had anyway) and 2) I DID get PG right after the previous m/c, when this one person still hasn't gotten PG in over 4 years. I didn't want to rub it in that, yes, I got PG again (even though I had to take meds to get there)...even if it ended up in m/c. I wanted to spare some feelings in that situation...but it probably would have been better to have been up front about it, no matter what my personal fears were.

I believe honesty is the best thing, but I also think it needs to be on a case-by-case basis. I've been in situations where I just grin and say the most PC thing I can think of and I've been in situations where I felt like if they were rude enough to ask they should be prepared for the answer they get.

For instance last night I bumped into an old friend who asked if we had kids yet. I simply said no and when she asked what we were waiting for I just said well, it's not for lack of trying. It wasn't harsh or to detailed and she took that as a hint and we changed the subject.

The way I tend to decide depends on who the person is, whether they are being kind or intrusive, how I feel about my IF at the moment etc. I find when people are intrusive I get to the down and dirty of it all. It usually stops them in their tracks and hopefully they'll think twice next time they want to pry into someone's personal business.

I think others can share their accomplishments to an extent. I totally agree with your comment about rubbing your wealth into the face of a poor person, or talking about how lucky you are to have a wonderful marriage in front of someone who is going through a divorce. Fertility is the same, people should use their best judgement. It is a basic common courtesy not to brag in the face of someones misfortune. If someone does that to me then they are not worthy of my friendship. I realize that people will become pregnant and I don't expect them to walk on eggshells with me, but I do ask for respect not to flaunt it in my face.

And, for your last question- I do think you should let the people who helped you along the way know about the outcome. Most likely the people that have helped you will be around for awhile so naturally I think they will want to know. I volunteered with a woman during her last IVF. This was 3 years ago and I knew the outcome. I had talked to her a lot about her treatments because in my heart I felt we would be going through the same thing. We sort of lost touch over the last year or so, but I called her a couple of weeks ago to ask her about her clinic. She was so excited that I called her about it and even though we weren't close friends she asked me to please let her know what happens and she also said she would check in with me from time to time to make sure I was doing ok, like I had done with her.

Something you wrote struck a chord with me - the notion that if you can get pregnant naturally, then there must be no "problem" with you. Well, it's not that simple. Our issue is severe MFI. We have a 1-2% chance of conceiving naturally on our own. It could happen ... it's not impossible ... but if we were to get pregnant unassisted, it would be absurd for me to say, "Turns out that we didn't have a problem!" People do seem to have some weird (primal?) urge to brag about their fertility. There's no other explanation for the "pregnant on our first try!" "he only has to LOOK at me and I get pregnant!" types of comments. I think that there's a way for these people to come back to you with their good news that doesn't involve gloating about their perceived superior fertility. "We are so fortunate that we were able to become pregnant on our own, so soon."

Hi, thanks fro your response. I am from Brazil but I live here, My blog is in Portuguese because I am trying to increase awareness and open up more channels of conversation about IF. In my culture women are still ashamed to talk about it. I just loved your blog, you are such a good writer... I spent hours last night going through the many helpful links and interesting pieces written by you. Great job!

I'm glad my comment struck a chord with you and I very much appreciate you visiting my blog. Don't be a stranger! Added to that was something my girlfriend told me that stuck with me always.

Once infertile, always infertile.

So even if you have kids, it's not a diagnosis you can change. The upside? Getting to meet and talk to other women with the same diagnosis which has enriched my life in a huge way!

These are all great questions. I'm more or less out-of-the infertile closet now with most people, except maybe my boss. But I don't give many people a blow-by-blow account of treatment as it is happening because I don't want to feel under a microscope.

I don't like the mommy bullies. But I wonder if the fertile bullies even know what they are doing when they do it. Their perspective on things is so very different than ours, that some comment would hurt us doesn't occur to them sometimes.

I do think it's good to go back and update people who have expressed interest, just as you would update people who have been references for you on a job search. Different world, I know, but it's about the network, or your troops.

We've had a lot of people, religious and not religious, praying for us. I want them all on my side, regardless of fertile status, etc.