It's really hard to buy into the idea that everything happens for a reason when you're at the mouth of mourning. Or in the belly of mourning. Or even being shot out of the anus of mourning. It isn't until years later that you can finally look back and trace all the bad experiences and make up a story of how they helped stave off something even worse from happening. Or how they brought you to your baby (or, in my friend's case, her b'shert).
But that's the advice everyone gives you when you're in the middle of it--that everything happens for a reason. And I walk a thin line on the side of belief while still dipping my foot from time to time into the deep waters of disbelief. Because once you take this thought out to its ends of predestination, it begins to fall apart somewhat.
Here is the part that trips me: reason. If there is a reason, then it means there was thought behind it. And if there was thought behind it, then who is doing the thinking? A higher power? Destiny incarnate? And if it is destiny incarnate or a higher power, take this idea into another direction. Does destiny keep things balanced? Or is there a strange distribution of crap? This is where the questions of doubt begin to unravel the idea that everything happens for a reason: why are abusive parents able to conceive and carry to term easily? Why do wonderful, giving people sometimes die young while mass murderers live into their nineties? You would think if reason was behind this that the correlation between deserving and receiving would be clearer. Unless the unbalanced distribution is part of the greater plan as well.
And that's all I have to bank on to keep me on the side of believing that there is a point to why it takes some people so long to conceive or why it takes others so long to find their b'shert. And why we endure terrible losses.
My RE warned me that the best time to try again was within a year of the twins' birth. And we didn't. We just gave up that opportunity by sort of avoiding the whole thing. I don't know why. Maybe because I became a bleeding psycho of worry every time we thought about trying again. That may have had something to do with it. And I'm not kicking myself now. I'm just mindful that I gave up an opportunity. Which may have not worked regardless. But it still looks like a little shining pot of gold behind me on the path that I failed to pick up. Even if it wasn't a realistic find at the time. I mean, how was I going to carry that big pot of gold while holding two children? And how was I supposed to know that down the road, you still needed money in this lifetime?
And this is the little path of "reason" that I cut for myself in order to make sense of everything. My twins needed to be IUGR and premature in order to save a future child from being IUGR. Because they monitor you much closer with a twin pregnancy, and many times, IUGR is not caught in time in a singleton and stillbirth occurs. So the IUGR was caught in my case because we were having so many sonograms. And because the twins were IUGR, the doctor told us about thrombophilia. And because I didn't try to conceive last year, I wasn't pregnant when I finally cleaned up the mess by my bed and found the paper on thrombophilia (after first reading about it in a book that month after pretty much forgetting the OBs warning to have myself tested--I mean, look at the strange coincidences surrounding that). So now I am getting myself tested at the end of October. And if it comes back that I do have a clotting disorder, I may have just saved my future child. Because this next pregnancy, even if it's a singleton, I will be closely monitored regardless due to the IUGR. But perhaps even moreso due to the clotting disorder. And that's how enduring the first round of infertility (to bring me to these children) made entering the second round of infertility a bit easier. The reason behind everything we went through to get to this place.
And it's a rosy little way to think about things. And you can only do it when you're pre-ovulation and filled with a lot of hope. Don't try this during the 2 week wait.
So why did my friend need to go through this terrible break-up? Because it kept her living where she is now (she had considered moving prior to meeting this man) so she could meet a person who would connect her to her b'shert? Because it gave her deep insights into what she needed from future relationships in order to make them go smoother? Or because he got her through a rough time in life that would have been too lonely and too difficult to get through on her own?
I don't know. And I don't think we can even begin to see these things until years down the road. And even then, are we just seeing what we want to see? Why does believing in those connections and reasons make the situation more bearable? You're still enduring the same loss (infertility, pregnancy loss, a break-up). How does thinking up the possible positive make the negative more tolerable?