Dear Mr. Redstone, CEO of Viacom:
Thank you for firing Tom Cruise. It has been a long-standing dream of mine to fire Tom Cruise, and I'm glad that at least one of us is in a position of power to ruin his career. I'm afraid that my one-person boycott of all Tom Cruise movies was not getting a message through to Mr. Cruise. I'm fairly certain that your actions yesterday created a wider impression. Hence why he's weeping in the press today and doing a petulant, "no, no, I left you first" spin of events like a jilted lover. Right, Mr. Cruise. You both decided to take a break or you dumped Paramount's skanky ass first. Whatever you say.
I don't want you to worry about Mr. Cruise or have any regrets. I already have a professional plan in place that will keep him busy for the time being. I am currently planning on becoming rich beyond belief in order to start my own philanthropy, the Stirrup Queen's Let's-Giddy-Up-And-Get-You-Knocked-Up-or-Mothering Fund. As the name suggests, the purpose of my philanthropy is to make A.R.T., adoption, and surrogacy possible for every person in the world regardless of income by paying for the treatments or adoption. Tom Cruise seems like the perfect person to cover the expenses for the second part of my fertility coverage plan. The We-Know-You're-Freaking Fund for women who have been successful in attaining pregnancy after infertility.
It is a known fact that women who have experienced infertility have a higher chance of experiencing postpartum depression (research in the journal of Fertility and Sterility put the figure at 4 times higher). His part in my plan allows him to do penance for his comments about postpartum depression (PPD) and Brooke Shields. He will be purchasing sonogram machines for every woman who gets pregnant after infertility or pregnancy loss. They will no longer have to make excuses to their OB in order to get the calming balm of a sonogram. Every time they have a worry about the pregnancy, they will be able to hop into their own bed and take a little peek at the bean in their belly.
So I want to thank you once again for firing Tom Cruise for his behaviour. I would also appreciate it if you could coax Mirimax into dumping that easy breeder, Mel Gibson. But baby steps, I always say, baby steps. And today is a joyous time. We just hope he doesn't suffer any depression from your parting of ways!
The Stirrup Queen