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Thursday, August 31, 2006

Thank You, Seher

This is a tribute to my last great vagina posse. And by "last" I mean my third one. There were my chickies from Baby Center who all got pregnant and moved on without me. Then there were my chickies over here in D.C. who all got pregnant and moved on without me. And then there were my chickies over on the RESOLVE boards. And this is a tribute to them.

Because I was the one who moved away. I stopped posting as often and then I stopped visiting as often. And finally I just dropped away. As these things happen. And I think about these women sometimes--Betsy, Chickenpig, APKim (short for Anti-Pineapple Kim), Seher. And I wonder if they ever built their families. Or if they're still on the road. I know that they're still in the Land of If because we're all still on this island. So I hope to run into them at the post office. Not the literal post office. The imaginary Land of If post office. Just to be clear that none of these women probably live in my town...And that I'm talking about real women and imaginary places. This is beginning to sound a bit like Mr. Roger's Neighbourhood.

So this is a tribute to the best advice I ever got from a fellow Stirrup Queen. I had come to the RESOLVE board crying over a comment that a coworker made to me about how she had gotten pregnant accidentally when she knew that we had been trying for a while and doing fertility treatments. And this is the advice that Seher gave me that I now pass along to you. You need to adopt a Southern accent, which may throw off the listener a bit. You know, going from your normal accent to a Southern accent (unless you're from the South. And I assume this will be even more obvious if you're from somewhere like France and you switch to an American Southern accent, but it is necessary. Say it aloud pretending you're Reese Witherspoon and you'll see exactly what she means). But when I use her words, scrunching up my nose and tilting my head just so, I imagine myself sipping sweet tea and being a sassy Southern woman rather than a crabby Mid-Atlantic woman.

Did she tell you what sexual position she used to get pregnant "accidentally"? Just wondering how on earth one could get so personal at work. But I know exactly how things get personal because I am the Mouth Of The South. Here in Mississippi, we can say, "Oh, how nice" in the most sing-songy kind of way - but what we really mean is "Go (expletive deletive) Yourself." I don't know where you live, but let's practice together . . . "Oh How Niiiice". But smile like you mean it. Then remember what it really means and maybe it'll perk you up. --Seher

Thank you, Seher. "Oh, how nice" has saved me from saying what I'm really thinking many times.

15 comments:

Southern Comfortable said...

Ah, yes. We GRITS (Girls Raised In The South) are the queens of saying something sweet and innocuous while seething inside. We know how to keep up appearances while internally wishing death upon our enemies.

The key is to say it in such a way that the recipient has some small inkling that you might actually be angry, without giving away the farm. There's an undercurrent of disdain, without making it obvious.

Kirsten said...

Oh, I LOVE it!!! This will be great since, according to my husband, I am the queen of saying something without actually saying it.

And at times I have found myself breaking into a Southern drawl for no apparent reason. Go figure, my being a Northern girl and all. At least now I have a validated excuse. Thank you Seher!

mandolyn said...

Oh, I'll go practice in front of the mirror tonight! I don't know if Texans count as official GRITS, but I do know that the hint of accent is definitely emphasized when we're angry or sarcastic.

Zee said...

Thanks for this! I had a neighbor, back when I lived in DC, who'd grown up in Mississippi. Like Seher, she could say, "Well, how naaaahce for you!" in such a way that the recipient knew EXACTLY what she meant, but couldn't do a thing about it. I've never entirely mastered it myself (my seething Sarcastic Northern Bitch still betrays herself a little too much in my tone!) but it has come in handy several times over the years.

GLouise said...

Yup- that's just the way it is!

Another one I use sometimes when trying to evade annoying questions is: "I really couldn't say."

Motel Manager said...

I totally LOVE it!

Anonymous Infertile said...

I love it!!!!!

Ellen K. said...

That's awesome. I'm going to ask one of my GRIT friends (from Memphis) to help me practice saying that.

Bobby and Ivy said...

Amen to that! Can I add that also to the list of people who find out I've adopted and then ask "can't you get pregnant? Why did you adopt?"

I wonder what my phrase could be for them......

Bea said...

That's what I need.

Thankyou, that is exactly what I need.

Bea

P.S. my verification code for this comment is "envyz". Coincidence?

The Town Criers said...

It's so funny how you save a post as a word document (something that Seher probably would never remember writing at this point because it was about 3 years ago) and it means so much to you. And then you find out that it means so much to everyone else too. And you can't find Seher. Not even sure if that was her real name or just a screen name. But I'd love to find her and tell her how I've used her words to get through many an uncomfortable conversation.

kathryn said...

And if all else fails and the mean words actually come flying out of your mouth, just follow it with "Bless your/his/her heart" and (to us GRITS) that makes everything better! :)

andee said...

Thank you Seher- never has "go screw yourself" sounded so innocent!

Piccinigirl said...

oh if I had a nickel for how many times that phrase has saved my ass.

*giggles*

serenity said...

Priceless! I am going to use it often!