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LFCA Latest Issue: Friday, September 25, 2009.

Latest Post on BlogHer: Parenting after Infertility.

My Status: Fed Josh's almonds to the squirrels. They needed them very badly.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Glossary of All of My Made-up Words

Almost-father: a man who longs to be a parent and is actively trying to have a first child or an additional child (from this entry).

Almost-mother: a woman who longs to be a parent and is actively trying to have a first child or an additional child (from this entry).

Awkward Parenting Moments (APM): the verbal dance of trying to explain paths to parenthood or pregnancy loss to a child (from this entry).

Babedar: a child's ability to smell out the infertile woman in the room and attach themselves to said woman (from this entry).

Barren Von Stirrup Shtup: any form of assisted reproduction that involves stirrups and someone examining your hoohaa. Also the name of our film company (from this entry).

Bermuda Triangle of Infertility: the trifecta that can drown even the strongest swimmer of an infertility patient--the financial, physical, and emotional corners of infertility (from this entry).

Beta Babies: children conceived through fertility treatment. In other words, their parents know their first and second beta numbers (from this entry).

Blilt: a "blog quilt" comprised of squares containing a single word or phrase as a response to a central question. Each word is connected back to the author's blog in order to help readers find a like-minded individual though the blilt stands as a testament to a range of emotional responses to a single situation (from this entry)

Co-Payment Cost Babies (CPCBs): children conceived without assistance (from this entry).

Comfort Achievability: the ability of an outsider to comfort a person inside a situation (from this entry).

Commentathon: a massive commenting contest that spreads love across the blogosphere (from this entry)

Creme de la Creme: a new way to do awards--rather than honour one or two blogs, have everyone submit their personal favourite from the year and compile them into one delicious list. I will compile this list every year. Check back in December 2007 for more details--here is the 2006 list (from this entry).

Emoblopedarian: the emotional blog encyclopedia librarian. In other words, the keeper of the emoblopedia (from this entry).

Emoblopedia: an emotional blog encyclopedia that archives thought-provoking entries. Sort of like the creme de la creme list, but instead of simply being a long list of great entries from a single year, it is organized both by larger umbrella topics such as "treatments" or "adoption" as well as by smaller subcategories such as "deciding to proceed with IVF" or "meeting child for the first time." An emoblopedia is an archive of the emotional journey--a series of posts that a person can read when they feel alone and want their emotions confirmed (from this entry).

Golden Gamonkey: a type of cookie. I imagine a gamonkey to be a "dreamlike visitor like the werefox out of Chabon's Summerland that takes you on this amazing adventure and makes you see infertility (or whatever your struggle may be in the moment) in an entirely new light (from this entry).

Great Cake Day: a virtual party where all participants take a photograph of a cake they consumed and post it on the same day. The party happens as people jump from blog to blog via the master list (from the entry).

Hoohaahooterus: my collective name for all my sexual organs as well as hormone levels (since I needed a simple term to convey my pu-pu platter of conception woes as well as how they all work together to create the perfect machine of infertility) (from this entry).

Human Harbour: those friends or people who bring you comfort simply by seeing them or being with them. If there was a movie version of Melissa in Wonderland, the human harbours would be the people who stepped out at the end of the film to wave me back to the real world while I bid them a teary goodbye and told them how much they helped me along the way (from this entry).

Human-nequin: the people in the background of your life that give it depth and colour (from this entry).

I Can't Believe the Fucking Timing (ICBFT, and pronounced ick-ba-fat): I think the phrase says all you need to know (from this entry).

Infertile Christmas: the way I like to pretend that I'm pregnant from Thanksgiving until December 25th (from this entry).

Lady-When-Waiting: your right-hand lady through infertility (from this entry).

Land of If: this freakin' Land of Infertility (from this entry).

Laydar: that sixth sense stirrup queens have for figuring out when someone else is a stirrup queen before they say anything. That familiar feeling of knowing that for both women, a good lay brings nothing your way (from this entry).

Location Casualties: those places that you never want to go back to because all they do is remind you of what you don't have or (if you currently are parenting) what you went through to get to your current place (from this entry).

Mailbox Narcolepsy: that overwhelming desire to go to sleep when you consider not only future decisions but mundane, daily choices (from this entry).

Mullies: Mommy bullies--the women who try to one-up you on the playground over everything from conception to sleep training (from this entry).

Not-yet baby/child: the child an almost-mother or almost-father is trying to conceive and carry or adopt. The child they are waiting to arrive (from this entry).

Post Beta Cry (PBC): that moment where your heart breaks after you get the negative beta call from the sympathetic nurse (from this entry).

Potentially Heartbreaking for the Listener (PHL): my term for any happy news that may be heard and processed through a lens of grief (from this entry).

Says-Things-Amazingly-Right (STAR): the person who always knows the right thing to say at the right time (from this entry).

Secret Hope Stories (SHS): those urban legend-like stories that we know are true: that there are women who go through 9 IVF cycles and suddenly become pregnant naturally while they're waiting for cycle 10. And we secretly wonder if we will ever get an ending like that (from this entry).

Secret Ode Days: anonymous one-paragraph odes from one blogger to another (from this entry).

Sliding Scale of Happiness: my instant and unconscious calculations of how happy I can be over your pregnancy news (from this entry).

Sperm Palace: the andrology rooms at the fertility clinic (from this entry).

Sperm Palace Jester: a man experiencing an inability to procreate (either directly due to male factor infertility or indirectly through his partner) (from this entry).

Stirrup Queen: a woman experiencing an inability to procreate or carry to term (either directly due to female factor infertility or indirectly through her partner) (from this entry).

Stirrup Queen's Let's-Giddy-Up-And-Get-You-Knocked-Up-or-Mothering Fund: what I'm going to do with all the millions I plan to make in this lifetime (from this entry).

Terraversary: terrible anniversaries such as a miscarriage date or an unfulfilled due date (from this entry).

Truman Capote (TC): my period (from this entry).

Uterninus's Law: the force that thwarts all conception efforts on the part of infertile men and women in direct correlation to how badly they need the cycle to work. Any attempt to circumvent Uterninus's Law by pretending to "not care" about a cycle is detected and squashed in turn (from this entry).

Vagacamera: the transvaginal ultrasound. The dildo cam. The cooter cam. I just felt the world needed another word (from this entry).

Virtual Lushary: my name for my fictional, infertility-themed bar (from this entry).

(or a YJSATLAIDKWTSSIPTIDSY): a move some fertile women do when they see a woman they know has recently lost a child (from this entry).


Bea said...

Secret Hope Story.

Love the list, btw. I didn't realise you'd made up so many words!


Pretty Kitty said...

You are fuckin' hilarious! My mascara is streaking. I am so glad that I found your blog. Sometimes I feel so alone and through you and the other intelligent ladies (and gentlemen too) that I have found through you, I feel better. I laugh, I cry, I shake my head in agreement and in disbelief, and I feel understood, without saying a word.

I hope my blog can inspire, help, comfort and bring laughter as the blogs I read (incessantly) have for me.

Thank you!

Anonymous said...

Oh my word! Hilarious!

I think anyone who isn't a stirrup queen wouldn't get this... but I'm 14 years TTC (just finished a 5 yr break) and nothing.

So I get it, big time. And now the ol' bio-clock is ticking. Thankfully this journey started when I was 20. Because YIKES.

The SHS particularly spoke to me. Because isn't that what we all want?

Geohde said...

There's nothing like a good made up abbreviation or two hundred!


Hiedi said...

Such eloquence. I am impressed and taken. I will be wearing my pomegranate colored thread soon. I've had 5 mc, but luckily (and don't ask how, cause I don't know) have finally had two babies work out. I took aspirin all through the last pregnancy, who knows if that's what did it, maybe. Love your site. The more time goes by the more I am amazed by how many suffer from IF. I love the potential for a secret sign (the thread, or the necklace or whatever) that could offer comfort without having to ever say a word. In a subway car, or across a room, in passing on the street, in line at the grocery store. Again, that's a great list of vocab!