tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post9160922912793269439..comments2023-08-15T05:02:58.115-04:00Comments on Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters: Secondary Fertility (Pregnancy Mentioned--Not Mine!)Lollipop Goldsteinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01020874415819057995noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-14486943172976330932007-05-03T07:49:00.000-04:002007-05-03T07:49:00.000-04:00I use to read blogs religiously. I use to reply & ...I use to read blogs religiously. I use to reply & comment. Now I'm just here, silently.<BR/><BR/>There have been so many pregnancies in the IF blogger world & from someone who is still yet to achieve the two lines, it does hurt. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for you. You deserve it so much. I am just so sad for myself.<BR/><BR/>I admit I have dropped off a few blogs due to pregnancy. I just can't face reading them. I'm sorry to the authors, but you know where I am coming from. I do drop by from time to time, but always seem to pop in at one of your very happiest moments & them don't go back for a long time after that.<BR/><BR/>I have even dropped off blogging myself. I don't have it in me anymore. I just seem to repeat the same posts over & over.<BR/><BR/>Sorry I'm rambling...<BR/><BR/>I'm here even thought it may seem like I'm not.<BR/><BR/>Jules xoxoxoJuleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06324703617330026036noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-7069395688795276222007-05-02T15:01:00.000-04:002007-05-02T15:01:00.000-04:00You'll need just as much support on the flip side ...You'll need just as much support on the flip side of this process.<BR/><BR/>Besides, you serve free drinks at your bar. And they always have a good alcohol/mixer ratio.<BR/><BR/>Best wishes.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-76126394920621236672007-04-30T21:01:00.000-04:002007-04-30T21:01:00.000-04:00I love your blog! I think that those of us that h...I love your blog! I think that those of us that have been crushed by infertility and miscarriage, never really leave "the club". That is just a scar way too deep to ever move beyond. We are all blessings to eachother who can all sympathize for having been there, even if we have since had children.KrazyMomhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02109438018772044932noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-57989900124928647052007-04-30T16:19:00.000-04:002007-04-30T16:19:00.000-04:00I wrote a little about this on my blog recently, a...I wrote a little about this on my blog recently, and probably will write about it more. It seems to be on my mind quite a lot lately. The fact is, I don't stop reading--painful as it is much of the time--but I do tend to stop commenting, at least on pregnancy-related posts. Not because I feel that people no longer need support, but mainly because I don't know what to say. "Yeah! Great news!" is always appropriate, but starts to feel played out after a while. And, honestly, reading the supportive comments left by also-pregnant bloggers ("Argh! I know what you mean about morning sickness! But you know they say it's a good sign!") makes me feel like the nerdy girl who doesn't have a date for the prom sitting at lunch with her formerly-nerdy girlfriends who DO. You're happy for them, because they're your buddies, but at the same time you feel so left out you want to curl up and die. <BR/><BR/>What I'm saying is that it's not about kicking people out of the sisterhood, it's about feeling that they've joined a different sisterhood within the sisterhood, and that we're no longer "peers." And now that a lot of people on my blogroll have gotten the good news one after the other, the part of me that's not on the floor sobbing is saying, "Okay, well, they're dealing with a lot, but they've got each other. I need to take care of ME right now." Maybe it's selfish (okay, yes, it's TOTALLY selfish) but I think we've all been through so much that we have to cut each other some slack about these kinds of things.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-70612917113887492232007-04-30T15:38:00.000-04:002007-04-30T15:38:00.000-04:00I will most definitely be at your bar no matter wh...I will most definitely be at your bar no matter what! I have a friend whose situation sounds very much like your friend. She did 5 IVF's with the same doctor when he finally said she needed to think about donor eggs. She got a second opinion, did ICSI (which the other doctor told her wouldn't help her), and got pregnant the first time with girl/girl twins. When the girls were only 5 months old she found out she was pregnant again. It was a total shock! My point in all of this is that she is the one I turn to with questions about IVF and she will likely be helping me when my turn comes. I still consider her very much part of this sisterhood because she's been through far more than I have!Somewhat Ordinaryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09701338805685025735noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-69460808110077449132007-04-30T14:48:00.000-04:002007-04-30T14:48:00.000-04:00What happened to your friend has happened to multi...What happened to your friend has happened to multiple friends of mine - I think sometimes you get a window of fertility after pregnancy because the pregnancy has righted your endocrine system or whatever (ahem, as you can tell, I am no doctor). <BR/><BR/>Even though I am close to having a baby now, I still feel WAY more part of the infertile team. I find myself confessing to having done multiple IVFs to random strangers, as if it is important that they realize that I am not one of them. I feel way more of a disconnect between me and a pregnant fertile friend than between me and a non-pregnant infertile friend, even if the latter might not think that. The whole experience of being pregnant after infertility is just really different (IMHO) than being pregnant and fertile.Motel Managerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07713211390770892389noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-62786675001240860752007-04-30T14:08:00.000-04:002007-04-30T14:08:00.000-04:00I'll still be here Mel.I'll still be here Mel.Mary Ellen and Stevehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09192652589445635157noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-19158052639354756782007-04-30T13:37:00.000-04:002007-04-30T13:37:00.000-04:00Mel, a virtual drink could never be the same if no...Mel, a virtual drink could never be the same if not served by you. No matter what.<BR/><BR/>I agree with many of the previous comments. Pregnancy after any kind of infertility is not an easy thing. Nothing about infertility is easy...not when you're in the trenches, not when you've left them...you don't forget and it isn't amazingly over. Sunshine doesn't spotlight your every step. You hit it right- I don't feel like I fit in with any other community. I've been absolutely blessed to have amazing blog reader support throughout my pregnancy, and I do recognize how difficult that may be for some. I hope every reader and commentor on pregnancy blogs understands how appreciated they are, especially if they are a voice from the trenches!mandolynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15570528484019572953noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-90069614573217236962007-04-30T13:12:00.000-04:002007-04-30T13:12:00.000-04:00I love this post--its a strange emotion I think we...I love this post--its a strange emotion I think we all feel even though we want SO bad to be pregnant, I still feel the "bad" feeling of "what if I am not cut out for this..."JJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18027548058304720360noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-24661102354877817122007-04-30T11:28:00.000-04:002007-04-30T11:28:00.000-04:00As I creep up on my two year blogging anniversary,...As I creep up on my two year blogging anniversary, I've realized that my level of optimism has certainly tapered off. I sadly do not shout out as much as I use to when fellow IF bloggers announced their positives. As a matter of fact, it's been months even though many have found that moment. <BR/><BR/>Just as many, if not more, have also had terrible news and I still keep quiet. My heart has calloused from being squeezed so much.<BR/><BR/>I'll admit I have turned away from a couple of newly pregnant bloggers, but they are always blogs that I've just picked up and emotionally, I'm not vested. <BR/><BR/>For you, Mel, I feel vested in this virtual relationship. I do not expect the same, but would be honored if so. I would say that to anyone. <BR/><BR/>I have experienced that loss of support and it sucks, especially since it was always so tenuous at best. It hurt to see some readers leave when I was pregnant with Wolf, I it hurt when they came back when I miscarried. I felt like I was only good enough if I was miserable.DDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17864339996118337420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-48025536676640106152007-04-30T10:18:00.000-04:002007-04-30T10:18:00.000-04:00I appreciated this post more than I can tell you. ...I appreciated this post more than I can tell you. The worries that your friend - and you - have about losing your support system are shared by me, even though I am facing primary IF. <BR/><BR/>My husband and I are still early to the TTC realm - nearly a year of active trying - yet our age (35)and a concern about having endometriosis (and, to be honest, a painful impatience) has led us to seek medical intervention earlier than a lot of the other bloggers. I have secretly been worried that if we do get pregnant - with or without the help of clo.mid to solve what appears to be a luteal phase defect - will I lose the amazing community of women that I just recently found? The thought of a pregnancy(with all of the fears of m/c and "what have I gotten myself into" thoughts that it will bring) without the supportive comments from the women like you that I love and now depend on frightens me to the core. Though the disappointment over BFNs is painful, I do breathe a sigh of relief that I am *still* a member of the club. <BR/><BR/>I worried at the beginning of my blog that other members would not see me as a legitimate participant in this world since we had not yet hit the magic 1-yr of active trying date. Since that hasn't been the case, I became even more indebted to the IF community for its amazing kindness. <BR/><BR/>I agree that we need to do our best to keep up our connections once IF bloggers become pregnant. Though our initial connection stemmed from IF, many of us have found women with whom we share many personality traits and life struggles. Those connections are worth fighting for!LIW (Lady In Waiting)https://www.blogger.com/profile/06199047053421154823noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-86563251878935241402007-04-30T09:41:00.000-04:002007-04-30T09:41:00.000-04:00I subscribe to the once infertile always infertile...I subscribe to the once infertile always infertile philosophy. This post was perfect, and I too feel that this is a community I belong in, no matter where my journey takes me from here.TeamWinkshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00750935087962085588noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-51071671333640104742007-04-30T09:34:00.000-04:002007-04-30T09:34:00.000-04:00If it happens, you won't lose readers. I actually...If it happens, you won't lose readers. I actually gained readership after pregnancy, as did a few fellow bloggers that I'm close with. Seems though misery loves company, there are plenty of IVFers out there who enjoy/need a good victory story. We need to know despite it all, pregnancy can happen spontaneously and without reason. We need to know that hey, if she endured x, y and z, I can too. And if after all that, she got pregnant, then I can too. It's about hope.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-33868081629702373442007-04-29T20:50:00.000-04:002007-04-29T20:50:00.000-04:00Gosh, this is going to seem really far out, and a ...Gosh, this is going to seem really far out, and a bit off topic. It seems that in every pregnancy some fetal cells pass across the placenta into the mother's body. <A HREF="http://www.tufts.edu/home/feature/?p=bianchi" REL="nofollow">These fetal cells can help to repair damaged organs.</A> I'm wondering, since ovaries and uteri are organs, if it is possible that in some cases that an IVF pregnancy can repair them and that is why some women who couldn't have gotten pregnant the first time around, turn around and find themselves with an "oops" pregnancy.thricehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09528308384855206125noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-39666505833422361022007-04-29T15:31:00.000-04:002007-04-29T15:31:00.000-04:00Thank you for this incredibly thoughtful post. I ...Thank you for this incredibly thoughtful post. I definitely have a new layer of anxiety, fear, and survivors' guilt now that I'm a tiny bit pregnant. <BR/><BR/>Honestly, I could wake up one morning with more children than the Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe and I would still be "infertile." The agony, the grief, the waiting, the feeling like you're broken -- it stays with you forever. And it ain't no wash-off tatoosie. It's a brand. I will never again be as innocent as I was up until the moment I heard the words, "There's no heartbeat." <BR/><BR/>Over the last two years, I have definitely experienced envy for those women who have gone on to carry healthy babies to term. I don't yet know whether I will be one of them, but I expect that if I am, I will even, on some level, feel envy for myself. And I will always recognize the sting of infertility when I see it in a sister's eyes. <BR/><BR/>Sorry for writing such a treatise. You really hit on something here.Binkyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03452546138115219018noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-62575270640493259652007-04-29T14:36:00.000-04:002007-04-29T14:36:00.000-04:00This is a great post, Mel, and I'm happy that your...This is a great post, Mel, and I'm happy that your friend wants to "stay in the club." It's not a club that we particularly want to belong to, but it's a good one. And of course you will be a big part of it, always. The "comforter" job sounds fantastic, BTW. I've occasionally considered getting my master's in counseling so that I can work as an IF counselor. Perhaps that might be something you would be interested in doing?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-51401083229641526092007-04-29T14:04:00.000-04:002007-04-29T14:04:00.000-04:00As someone who never got to the two pink lines sta...As someone who never got to the two pink lines stage but rather ended with the grainy black and white photos of my gorgeous seven embryos (closest thing that I ever felt to being pregnant), I have to say that it has taken LOTS of time and some serious emotional rationalizing for me to summon empathy for those with secondary infertility, but DD and others have taught me how much we still share in common. <BR/><BR/>And there are many Stirrup Queens who become pregnant and fret the entire time. That's pain and anxiety of a different form and I feel for them. Of course, it's harder for me to read the glowing posts of what it feels like to be pregnant, preparing for delivery or nursing. Brings up sad reminders of what I won't ever experience.<BR/><BR/>Regardless of our individual outcomes, we have all had our innocence taken away. We've been deprived of the pure joy and carefree "let's make a baby tonight" and related experiences. So it comes down to sensitivity. Each of us differs in what triggers hurt. <BR/><BR/>We all need special TLC as we heal from the trauma that IF inflicts. As one who never made it into the mommy club all I ask is that those who *have* continue to be gentle and understand that sometimes it's hard for those of us with primary IF not to be jealous or a tad bitter at times. <BR/><BR/>My motto is empathy is as empathy does. I'll be there for you in the way you need it if you're there for me in the way I need it.Pamela T.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11474998003921896431noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-36740208740304981432007-04-29T12:32:00.000-04:002007-04-29T12:32:00.000-04:00thank you for that. needed to read that today. had...thank you for that. needed to read that today. had a few shitty comments on my blog lately about becuase i have already got a child (even after 5 years of hell) that i cannot be infertile.. even though we're cycle 26 now and 2 m/c's down for a second child. i just feel lost - not really belonging anywhere and on our own again.Anam_Kihakuhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01579392584244455768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-36698292484187972902007-04-29T11:26:00.000-04:002007-04-29T11:26:00.000-04:00Your posts always bring out such difficult issues ...Your posts always bring out such difficult issues in such a thoughtful way. We do all belong to a club that is defined by failure. Failure to get pregnant without medical help. Failure to maintain a pregnancy. Etc. At the same time, we are all hoping for success, for "graduation." No one wants to be the member who remains because she never has children. But others' successes remind us of our failures. <BR/><BR/>I like reading blogs for support and to know that success is out there, but reading pregnancy blogs can hard because I don't know if I'll ever get there. I do it anyway, because I like to dream. I like to think of them as graduates of the club. Still members, but in the alumni since. And they may end up coming back for another degree :)<BR/><BR/>I'd love it if you were my professional hand-holder!Samanthahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02799401502134619497noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-35636520359662210542007-04-29T09:24:00.000-04:002007-04-29T09:24:00.000-04:00As always, a very honest post that I really apprec...As always, a very honest post that I really appreciate. <BR/><BR/>This community is a fantastic one. We write for so many reasons, and share for so many more.<BR/><BR/>I continue to subscribe to blogs that have gotten the wonderful news. Sometimes I need to skip the post, but often I read and comment. No matter how easy or hard, pregnancy is scary knowing what we know. Kicking someone out of the sisterhood isn't an option to me. Plus, you could get on the beltway and kick my rear if I stopped reading :)LJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08398924875071245573noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-17974059977073564992007-04-29T08:57:00.000-04:002007-04-29T08:57:00.000-04:00I really hope that it does happen for you naturall...I really hope that it does happen for you naturally, and promise that I'll always show up if you're pouring the drinks.Sarahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02747382929049494704noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-43354963878641640572007-04-29T05:56:00.000-04:002007-04-29T05:56:00.000-04:00You're the best bartender for the Virtual Lushery!...You're the best bartender for the Virtual Lushery! So keep on serving those drinks. <BR/><BR/>A friend who had twins on her second IVF with just one functioning ovary is now pregnant again! Yes, naturally. Unbelievable.<BR/><BR/>Some women are just lucky.Baby Blueshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09283845137728737575noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-51860227467749855832007-04-29T04:35:00.000-04:002007-04-29T04:35:00.000-04:00I was torn on the pregnancy blogs. While I was fa...I was torn on the pregnancy blogs. While I was failing, miscarrying, and waiting, it all seemed too hard. Mostly, as I'd never gotten that far, it was like reading Greek. I could not only contribute, I couldn't even follow along.<BR/><BR/>But in pregnancy, you need the support just as much as you did when you're trying. The fear never leaves. Never. I just didn't understand before that the two pink lines people still need love and support. <BR/><BR/>I wish I could apologize to those I abandoned.Twisted Ovarieshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00517046650604160650noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-4588921957684951962007-04-29T01:55:00.000-04:002007-04-29T01:55:00.000-04:00Excellent post :)I agree with every point made reg...Excellent post :)<BR/><BR/>I agree with every point made regarding the abandonment of pregnant bloggers. I've noticed it too but I certainly make the effort to continue to read them because essentially, I'm still interested in how they do and I cant wait to see pics of their babies after nine or so months. But maybe I can handle it because I have a daughter, I've been pregnant, I can relate so I have something to contribute? I'm sure an infertile blogger without a child yet, might feel out of it, I understand that side too.<BR/><BR/>Either way, fab post!<BR/><BR/>X ArtblogAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-83831371157504234602007-04-28T23:34:00.000-04:002007-04-28T23:34:00.000-04:00Amen sister. As someone on the other side of thin...Amen sister. <BR/><BR/>As someone on the other side of things, pregnant after miscarriage and infertility, I struggle in my blog. Struggle to share both the joys of pregnancy and the support and compassion for those still in the trenches. I even worry about wearing maternity clothes in public, partly because I know that when I was struggling it was like a slap in the face to see a happy pregnant woman, so a small part of me feels like I am betraying my fellow infertiles by showing off my baby bump. And I truly don't feel like that happy, carefree pregnant woman because I know what can go wrong and am just holding my breath praying that there can be a happy ending in all of this.<BR/><BR/>If anyone has any advice on how to balance the two, the joy and the struggle, I'd be much obliged.SMiLeDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14340513065620539939noreply@blogger.com