tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post6872553728631912243..comments2023-08-15T05:02:58.115-04:00Comments on Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters: Bonus Barren Advice: Thirty-FourLollipop Goldsteinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01020874415819057995noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-7815427414809740122009-03-30T19:54:00.000-04:002009-03-30T19:54:00.000-04:00Wow. This advice is so heartfelt (from Mel and eve...Wow. This advice is so heartfelt (from Mel and everyone else). I could have really used it myself a couple of years ago.<BR/><BR/>I had two miscarriages, then a chemical pregnancy. I had two children already, but had really wanted a third. After the third miscarriage in a row, I asked myself this question: What would I regret more -- not ever trying again, or trying again and having another miscarriage?<BR/><BR/>Hugs to you. And best of luck.Anjalihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03942336985162828835noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-48219412854816353902009-03-18T04:52:00.000-04:002009-03-18T04:52:00.000-04:00Mel, you're just so very, very wise. Envious of yo...Mel, you're just so very, very wise. Envious of your smarts!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-91289507818898686112009-03-13T07:25:00.000-04:002009-03-13T07:25:00.000-04:00I've had 3 miscarriages and have a clotting di...I've had 3 miscarriages and have a clotting disorder myself. I know you're going through some really tough stuff.<BR/><BR/>Other ladies have left wonderful advice for you. I'd suggest you print it out, put it in a folder and PUT IT AWAY for several weeks.<BR/><BR/>One week after a D&C probably isn't the best time to be making big decisions. Let yourself heal from the last miscarriage and deal with all of that FIRST. THEN let the decision making process begin.<BR/><BR/>Whatever you choose, I wish you better times ahead.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-3761925309882667602009-03-12T20:21:00.000-04:002009-03-12T20:21:00.000-04:00Thank you, Mel, and thank you commentors (comment-...Thank you, Mel, and thank you commentors (comment-writers? Commentators? What's the term?). Very few people in real life know ANYTHING of this part of my life, and the support and understanding from you is much-needed and much appreciated. Your comments and suggestions have made feel feel less crazy and more clarified. So, again, thank you!!!<BR/><BR/>By the way, I was thinking, after my pregnancy with our son, I told everyone that I LOVED being pregnant, would do it again and again if I could. Perhaps I should have been more specific...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-91985332812480478042009-03-12T14:32:00.000-04:002009-03-12T14:32:00.000-04:00Ooooh I wish I had this post in front of me 3 year...Ooooh I wish I had this post in front of me 3 years ago. Mel, you should writer your own advice column or something. And the comments are great too. <BR/><BR/> I was 35 when I had this decision in front of me. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks, and after 4 years of trying that pregnancy had been the only break my husband and I ever had. I had 4 embryos in storage, and I didn't want to try again, but I couldn't walk away. My husband convinced me that I would be pissed at myself if I turned away from those embryos and "quit" , and that the frozen cycle would be our last if it didn't work. I hated that cycle. I resented every shot, every blood draw, and every re visit. I didn't have any hope that it would work, and I was so afraid it would work, only to lose the pregnancy, that I couldn't breathe sometimes. <BR/><BR/> Well, it worked. I was afraid for 9 months, but it worked. Somewhere in an alternate universe I gave up, or adopted, but in this one, I've got twin boys. I'm very glad I swallowed that bitter pill.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-12656235324707275742009-03-11T19:12:00.000-04:002009-03-11T19:12:00.000-04:00Damnit, I never have anything to comment on with B...Damnit, I never have anything to comment on with Barren Advice because you are SO SMART Mel. And then all these commenters are SO SMART. I need to come up with a good problem so I can have you all hand me your brilliance!Iohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00918928563224342054noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-45680639175485722492009-03-11T09:23:00.000-04:002009-03-11T09:23:00.000-04:00Mel, you gave wonderful advice and curiously I've ...Mel, you gave wonderful advice and curiously I've done the same analysis along the way in my own battle with SIF and pregnancy loss.<BR/><BR/>For me, the decisions came easier when I broke them down into smaller parts. It made it so much easier than the blanket statement "should I continue TCC for my second child"?<BR/><BR/>I am in a very similar position to the person who asked this question. I was 38 years old, with two losses when I came to a crossroad. I decided to move forward. I am now 41, and reaching my own personal End Game. I haven't succeeded in my quest for child #2, (I have a DE cycle in progress), but those years finally brought me to a place where I can be comfortable to walk away if it doesn't work out.<BR/><BR/>For each person the decisions are so different, but I will say this... failure does not a person make.<BR/><BR/>Making a well informed decision is really the best you can do.Shellihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11069416566542236599noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-46475558862135815422009-03-10T22:01:00.000-04:002009-03-10T22:01:00.000-04:00I'm so sorry about your losses and that you find y...I'm so sorry about your losses and that you find yourself in this difficult place.<BR/><BR/>Mel gives great advice here, but I have a system that's a lot quicker and works for me provided a decision is binary (yes/no) ... flip a coin, live with what it tells you to do for 24 hours (i.e. make that your real, committed plan). If you are miserable during that time, the coin was wrong and you should do the opposite of what it "decided." I find I usually know what the right answer is for me and that the coin helps me realize it without needing to do all the writing out, etc. You may not find the same thing, but it's a small investment to know whether this works for you.<BR/><BR/>I don't take everything out of drawers, either. I just follow my mother's advice: If something isn't where you know it <I>is</I>, look where you know it <I>isn't</I>. It's annoying how often this works.Alexicographerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06029216139568740202noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-67875628929357407112009-03-10T21:51:00.000-04:002009-03-10T21:51:00.000-04:00As someone who decided to walk away from treatment...As someone who decided to walk away from treatment -- without a living child -- when it all became much too much, I think you've given some excellent advice, Mel. And thank you for your respect. : ) <BR/><BR/>There will always be regrets & repercussions, no matter which choice you make. There will always be new carrots that drs can dangle in front of you. Only you can decide whether they are worth pursuing, and how long to keep at it. <BR/><BR/>I've been on boards with lots of women who announced they were "done," only to see them back cycling again a few months down the road, or (I hate to admit it) pregnant out of the blue, or deciding they're interested in adoption after all. When you're younger, you do have the option of changing your plan. Your options start to become alot narrower once you reach your late 30s & 40s. <BR/><BR/>That said, as Bea pointed out, you don't have to make a decision RIGHT AWAY. I was 40 when I decided, & that was after a summer hiatus away from anything to do with ttc (well, as much as I could make myself, lol). Maybe a defined break for a few months will help clear your head & help you make a decision one way or another. (((hugs)))loribethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09272814565916935113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-69073553755262936842009-03-10T19:57:00.000-04:002009-03-10T19:57:00.000-04:00I could've written this post. Well, with a change...I could've written this post. Well, with a change or two, but really, i could've written this question.<BR/><BR/>Mel, your answer was stunning. And Mrs. Spit is right -- right now I'm in "quit" mode, and I need to make a decision. honestly, I keep hoping my age or a phone call from a doctor will make the decision for me.<BR/><BR/>I like your idea, and I'm going to do it. Possibly tomorrow at therapy. One of my "regrets" is actually that my husband will regret my decision, or he mine. And I often feel that one small kernel that's possibly driving me is "taking one for the team." Much food for thought here, thank you so much.Tashhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07376651134993450207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-78202644141033619642009-03-10T19:39:00.000-04:002009-03-10T19:39:00.000-04:00Anon has given quite a comprehensive answer, as ha...Anon has given quite a comprehensive answer, as has Mel. I was just going to pop in and say, hon, it was LAST WEEK you had the D&C. I know you don't have time to stuff around but you have a little more time than that. It sounds to me like you're describing completely normal reactions at this stage. <BR/><BR/>You probably have a good month before you can actually enact your decision anyway - give yourself a couple more weeks, at least. And my sympathies.<BR/><BR/>BeaBeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11877513815828460269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-56746869310963027482009-03-10T19:01:00.000-04:002009-03-10T19:01:00.000-04:00I am living your life. I had my second d&c (3...I am living your life. I had my second d&c (3rd loss) in November and was shortly thereafter diagnosed with a clotting disorder as well. I want nothing more than a sibling for my 4 year-old, but am terrified of another loss. It has taken its toll for sure - on me, on my husband, and on our marriage. We have decided to take a break for the next year and try to re-focus on lives on everything else that has been put on hold for the last 3+ years that we've been in babymaking mode. This is proving very hard for me to do (not try...what?!?!), but I'm committed to taking back my life. <BR/>Best of luck to you and in your decision. And know that you are not alone!Becoming a Family of Fourhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10013696100432856462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-86931280715684807992009-03-10T18:31:00.000-04:002009-03-10T18:31:00.000-04:00Mel gave you some great advice. I just want to ad...Mel gave you some great advice. <BR/><BR/>I just want to add some info from someone who has gone through a pregnancy on lovenox. Lovenox shots are not that bad. The needles are small. The bruising can be funky but never hurt me at all. For me, it was a small price to pay for another child. However, lovenox is by no means risk free. Educate yourself about the ins and outs of this drug while you make your decision.Kristinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10791317184998122691noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-50535527965670311522009-03-10T17:50:00.000-04:002009-03-10T17:50:00.000-04:00There are so many reasons to talk yourself out of ...There are so many reasons to talk yourself out of parenting ... or out of parenting again ... that it really is a wonder anyone does it.<BR/><BR/>You have to sort out ~where~ your ambivalence is coming from. Is it exclusively the burn-out talking? ... And if so, is it something that might ease, after you've had a little time (which I understand you feel you don't have -- the expiration date does nothing to help your clarity, I know) to heal and to rest? <BR/><BR/>Or is it deeper than that? Is there more to your ambivalence? That's the million dollar question.<BR/><BR/>In the "Yes, try again" column (just the ones you've mentioned):<BR/><BR/>- My husband thinks we should have another<BR/><BR/>- I love babies and children<BR/><BR/>- I don't want my son to go through life with no siblings or cousins<BR/><BR/>- We have figured out the problem<BR/><BR/>In the "No" column:<BR/><BR/>-I don't know if I'm willing to make sacrifices to have another baby<BR/><BR/>That's a huge objection. The question is ... Is it a ~real~ objection or are you trying to talk yourself out of this out of fear? <BR/><BR/>If so, is fear a good reason to avoid trying again? <BR/><BR/>Self preservation is a powerful instinct. ... Are you afraid because:<BR/><BR/>- Deep down you know another bad outcome means risking more than you can afford to lose? Will it break you for good?<BR/><BR/>- Or is the fear more primitive and less rational? Assuming that, just because bad things happened ~before~ bad things will happen again is not rational (unless you have a medical opinion that supports that line of reasoning). Especially now that you know the cause of the trouble.<BR/><BR/>You have to cross examine your fear. It's either a sound instinct or else it's a bully pushing you around.<BR/><BR/>In the "Not Relevant" Column:<BR/><BR/>- I don't have a lot of time to figure this out. <BR/><BR/>- I could forever regret chickening out at this point.<BR/><BR/>Those are reasons to fight like hell for clarity promptly and to get to a choice you can live with -- now ~and~ later. These points just mean the issue is urgent and important. But don't let the urgency fluster you. (Easier said than done.)<BR/><BR/>BTW ... how's your FSH? If it's good and you only want one more child... talk to your RE and see if he can help you understand how much time you can take ... to heal and to think. Yes, age is the 800 pound gorilla and it trumps even FSH #'s. But you might be able to make a small trade off and get away with it. And educated opinion about that would be invaluable.<BR/><BR/><BR/>- My confidence is shaken.<BR/><BR/>That is only rational. But confidence issues are also separate from whether to go forward or quit, unless they are combined with a lot of other factors.<BR/><BR/>Check out healthjourneys.com for some great guided meditations to help with trauma and confidence and peace.<BR/><BR/>You say that you imagined breezing through ... but nobody breezes through these things ... not IF, not having children, not being married, not life. <BR/><BR/>You have to weigh your desire for the ~child~ against your desire for ~ease~. Yes, not having another will be easier in some significant ways. But easy is not always the best driving criteria behind big life choices. And you are not guaranteed ease even if you don't have the child.<BR/><BR/>Both choices have their upsides and downsides. It's what you can live with.<BR/><BR/>Good Luck.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-84983169262020732252009-03-10T17:01:00.000-04:002009-03-10T17:01:00.000-04:00I also do not like the connotation that we have wi...I also do not like the connotation that we have with "quitting" when it relates to children. There seems to be this implicit assumption that, as a woman, if you stop trying, you've given up or weren't willing to do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE for your family.<BR/><BR/>And it's BS, in my opinion. We are so quick to blame ourselves for failing, for refusing to sacrifice everything in the pursuit of that ideal situation, whatever it is. It's unfair to ourselves and to our families, too.<BR/><BR/>Stopping is NOT admitting weakness. In fact, I agree with Mel here - it is one of the strongest things you can do.<BR/><BR/>Your story makes my heart contract with empathy; I want to reach out and give you a hug. I hope you find the answer that gives you peace soon.<BR/><BR/>xxxSerenityhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17765237663006604157noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-15276415456485768512009-03-10T16:57:00.000-04:002009-03-10T16:57:00.000-04:00Mel, what wise advice. I'm really sorry for your ...Mel, what wise advice. <BR/><BR/>I'm really sorry for your losses, and can't completely identify with those, but I can with so wanting to have a sibling for my son in the face of infertility, advanced maternal age, and a probable complicated pregnancy.<BR/><BR/>Wouldn't it be great if we could peep, just for a moment, into the future? I wish so.<BR/><BR/>We have decided to keep trying for now, with the knowledge the we may have to stop for my health reasons. Recently my hubby and I also began discussing the adoption option as well.<BR/><BR/>You may need to act more quickly than others, but you don't need to make the decision TODAY. <BR/><BR/>Unfortunately, there will ALWAYS be whatifs, no matter what path you choose. And sometimes neither choice is perfect or leads to 'inner peace'. Sometimes its just the lessor of two evils.<BR/><BR/>EveAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-27459383305779622152009-03-10T16:45:00.000-04:002009-03-10T16:45:00.000-04:00I think that quitting, whatever you are quitting, ...I think that quitting, whatever you are quitting, is not quitting when you make a decision to not try. Quitting is more about failure to show up, failure to make the decision, and then allowing other forces, other people, the situation to make the decision for you. <BR/><BR/>We have regrets when we quit because we didn't take our life into our own hands. We can't say, right or wrong, it's the decision I made, with what I knew at the time. <BR/><BR/>I don't have anything to say about which decision to make, other than to say, your friends and your family, the true ones, will be happy with the decision when you are happy with the decision.Mrs. Spithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03386820063407910064noreply@blogger.com