tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post42905756623772894..comments2023-08-15T05:02:58.115-04:00Comments on Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters: HarderLollipop Goldsteinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01020874415819057995noreply@blogger.comBlogger39125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-68237192232008636572008-07-17T19:01:00.000-04:002008-07-17T19:01:00.000-04:00This kind of thing has been my biggest fear since ...This kind of thing has been my biggest fear since before TTC. Maybe it was because my youngest sister is 10 years younger and I remember the first time she came home from school to say that someone was mean and insulting to her. Maybe it was because it took me so long to re-program (de-program?) myself after high school. Speaking of which, would anyone survive HS if they had to do it as an adult? Bleh.Kamihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01215000341567119958noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-15169281436234869082008-07-12T23:18:00.000-04:002008-07-12T23:18:00.000-04:00"With infertility, you don't really remember the p..."With infertility, you don't really remember the physical pain. I mean, you remember that you were in physical pain, but I can't really muster how any test or procedure or blood draw felt... But the emotional pain stays... You can bring yourself right back..."<BR/><BR/>Exactly.<BR/><BR/>Also, thanks for this:<BR/>"If you don't spend any time thinking you are a shit partner, worker, mother (take your pick of role that you beat yourself up about), then you aren't caring enough."<BR/><BR/>I love the rest of your story, and I think empathy is a wonderful gift to impart.<BR/><BR/>As for the rest - did it turn out ok for you? Because it seems like it has. It seems like you got past middle school and out the other side and now you have lots of friends! So I don't know if it will help to remember that during those middle-school years ahead, but for what it's worth...<BR/><BR/>BeaBeahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11877513815828460269noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-62277509032026780552008-07-12T17:17:00.000-04:002008-07-12T17:17:00.000-04:00I often skip the posts about parenting--sometimes ...I often skip the posts about parenting--sometimes I feel like I'm just too raw to see what it's like. But this was really touching. Interestingly, rather than making me want to back off, it brought me hope. I WANT to care that much about a child. Not just about feeding and potty training and mommy-stuff, but about how they learn to interact with friends, how they fall in love, how they experience life. <BR/><BR/>I feel like, how matter much it hurts, it will be a way of living life that just isn't happening right now. Honestly? I can't wait.the Babychaser:https://www.blogger.com/profile/12205229469287159556noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-31559262871099054722008-07-11T16:54:00.000-04:002008-07-11T16:54:00.000-04:00Wow, powerful post.I think it's very true, what yo...Wow, powerful post.<BR/>I think it's very true, what you said about the caring, love hard, fight hard, I think the frustration that can lead to losing it can even be part of the caring....you want them to be good', you don't want them in this place, you don't want everyone to feel crap...<BR/><BR/>Oh, I am rambling. Thanks for a fab post.Nichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02679343357841106045noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-59933279881164255882008-07-11T15:52:00.000-04:002008-07-11T15:52:00.000-04:00I can see where this was a difficult post to start...I can see where this was a difficult post to start, but thank you for it. It was wonderful!<BR/><BR/>I don't have children, but I often think, 'When I do get pregnant, when will I stop worrying?' And the answer I always come to is: Never.<BR/><BR/>Your mother has some great advice, but I think you answered your own question regarding the slippery line between healthy fighting and fighting when there are problems. You said that we fight and we cry because we care so much. I believe it is when we don't care anymore that the line has been crossed.<BR/><BR/>You sound like an amazing mother . . .Jamiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11509124764568535676noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-62825536706100785572008-07-11T09:39:00.000-04:002008-07-11T09:39:00.000-04:00I just love the way you parent, and I always feel ...I just love the way you parent, and I always feel like I'll never be able to do it well. I want to, so desperately, but the will is there to be good, to be strong, to be fair with my sons. So I looked at this post and said "Tuck it away Kir, and keep it for a rainy day and remember that even yelling has a place if you learn the lesson" . <BR/>thank you again for bringing me back to myself and helping me find the way.<BR/><BR/>*hug*Kirhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17894442143508446312noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-81983042402686937222008-07-11T08:52:00.000-04:002008-07-11T08:52:00.000-04:00Maybe you should ask your wise mum how it was to w...Maybe you should ask your wise mum how it was to watch you go through infertility and pregnancy loss. What did you want as a daughter?<BR/><BR/>Watching someone you love be in pain or face the pain in the world with shock and confusion aint easy. I think what most people want - kids or adults - is to have the experience honoured, and a safe place to retreat to. And I am sure you provide both these things.<BR/>Also though, your kids are different to you and will have different triggers that you simply scratch your head at, while the experiences you are terrified of on their behalf, they might sail through with barely a hair out of place.Bhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11890663570732346315noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-81011653741865729142008-07-10T22:21:00.000-04:002008-07-10T22:21:00.000-04:00I understand ... I can relate to these feelings, s...I understand ... I can relate to these feelings, some days more than others. We seem to go in phases, maybe when I'm reading parenting books I do better at keeping in line!<BR/><BR/>One of my big struggles is that DS (4 yo) is allergic to tree nuts, eggs,& fish. Normal things could be so serious for him. He misses out on many things that other kids/families can enjoy without a thought. I hope he has friends that will help him navigate through this during hte teen years, when most deaths due to food allergy happen because kids want to be "cool" and eat the same as the others, or not wear their epipens. (deep breath). Yes, the future really freaks me out at times. And I wonder if I am handling it well, if I can teach him to be safe without making him paranoid? Let's be honest, I AM paranoid!!! LOL<BR/><BR/>AndieAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-65156669534721121052008-07-10T21:57:00.000-04:002008-07-10T21:57:00.000-04:00wow, I am in this exact space now and i have goose...wow, I am in this exact space now and i have goosebumps and tears flowing after reading that. Between travelling, illness, and the overall clinginess that is seperation anxiety I am frustrated and have had enough. Very nice to know I am not alone, and that I feel this way because I care, makes me feel less like a shitty mother.<BR/><BR/>Thank you, this is what I needed to read tonight!SMiLeDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14340513065620539939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-4243845650916111382008-07-10T21:23:00.000-04:002008-07-10T21:23:00.000-04:00I love the quote "you took happiness out of my tim...I love the quote "you took happiness out of my time and that is why I'm taking happiness out of yours" and I think I'll use it. <BR/><BR/>I just had some sort of the same type of thing just today. I've had a bad day and it started 1.5 minutes out of bed, when I stood staring at every single puzzle piece laying on the floor in a circle. (we have like 150 puzzles and the rule is one puzzle at a time). I asked my husband why this was allowed and he said "they were making me a cake". So I was frustrated with him. Sweet it was a cake for him, not cool that it broke a main rule. So what did I do? I yelled at my kids. Then took a shower and thought about what a shitty mother I just was. And then I came out and we all helped putting the puzzles back together and I talked about why I was angry. Ugh. The frustrations of motherhood is so enormous. And on days I feel I can't handle it, I second guess this little beating heart in my tummy. And then I feel worse for even thinking it. <BR/><BR/>Another thing - my 2nd didn't sleep until 24 months. Exactly. The night of her 2nd birthday, she slept and has since. 24 months of waking 3-10 times a night. Oh good lord. I don't know if I can do that again.<BR/><BR/>This was a really good post Mel.nancyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04479202205264710056noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-70849410924220430292008-07-10T21:19:00.000-04:002008-07-10T21:19:00.000-04:00ok so I keep thinking about this post and two thin...ok so I keep thinking about this post and two things keep coming back to me. <BR/><BR/>first, that image of you and the wolvog in that rocking chair -- with you teaching him ever so gently an important life lesson -- just precious. <BR/><BR/>second, I love what you said about memory and how the physical pain memory subsides but the emotional pain is still so accessible. I think that's so true.lunahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15455301696832647867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-84873278083283645632008-07-10T20:44:00.000-04:002008-07-10T20:44:00.000-04:00I love this post. Love it. I don't yet know how ...I love this post. Love it. I don't yet know how I will respond to life's bumps and bruises for my children (if I am able to have them), but I do know it frightens me. I am a very proud aunt and I know my heart aches for my niece and nephews when they struggle. I just want to pick them up and shelter them. But you can't. I often wonder if I feel this way about children who aren't mine, what would I do and how would I feel as a parent? This love is frightening in its scope.Alyssahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06996076537007147834noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-79968444902720294062008-07-10T18:50:00.000-04:002008-07-10T18:50:00.000-04:00At the end of the day, trite as it sounds, we all ...At the end of the day, trite as it sounds, we all just human. Not perfect.<BR/><BR/>Yelling does not make you bad, but not feeling bad about doing it would perhaps have.<BR/><BR/>They do say that parenting is the hardest, and most rewarding, job that any of us will ever do.<BR/><BR/>JGeohdehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09084396088622931768noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-3221897506368246842008-07-10T17:58:00.000-04:002008-07-10T17:58:00.000-04:00I admit to yelling and losing my cool too. It is h...I admit to yelling and losing my cool too. It is hard and no it doesn't get any easier. Age 7 has been a tough year for me/him. My mom has also given me advice, most of which I take. I think, with her help to get here, that it is not whether or not you lost your temper once in while, but it is how you deal with the destruction left behind. I yell when they have pushed me too far and then I tell them I am sorry. I was mad/angry/hurt/upset. I feel better now etc. This shows them that it is okay to express emotions but that it is necessary to own up to them afterwards. Because, let's face it - I have not seen one parent or one kid who has never been pushed over the edge. We are human and emotion is a big part of that. I am having a rough week - too much bs to explain here, but I know I have lost my temper more times that I would have liked. But my kids are okay and they know I was upset by their actions not by them. I make it a point to say things like the way you talked to me made me angry or you not listening made me frustrated. I make it known that it is not them as people that I am upset with. That I love them unconditionally and nothing they do will ever change that. We have a family running secret - they all think I love them the most, because I tell them that in private. I also make sure to tell them something nice about them before they go to bed - even if their behavior was spawned from the devil that day! Hang in there and try not to feel too guilty for being human!<BR/><BR/>On another point I have a hard time letting go too. I want them to be safe physically and emotionally and I know my time to control things is dwindling by the day. I often wonder how may parents let me sleep over another friend's house, live at the shore for the summer, go to college! Eeek!<BR/><BR/>I love the part about rocking in the chair. What a wonderful moment and lesson. Thanks for sharing.<BR/><BR/>My grandma always said when it comes to raising kids - if they are happy and thriving and you are happy and functioning, then you are doing it right.Kimhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00867733939934906090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-43868669100979998982008-07-10T15:55:00.000-04:002008-07-10T15:55:00.000-04:00I love exploring this part of the human condition:...I love exploring this part of the human condition: our need to individuate with our need to congregate. To become ourselves while being in partnership with others.<BR/><BR/>We do this with friends, parents, spouses/partners, and children. And, most importantly, we teach our children how to do this for themselves.<BR/><BR/>That's why the scene of your loud (but quiet) moment in the cuddle chair is so poignant. You are teaching them the truly important things.Lori Lavender Luzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15394441222262940632noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-69236279311992759622008-07-10T15:40:00.000-04:002008-07-10T15:40:00.000-04:00Wow, thanks for sharing and wonderful insight. I h...Wow, thanks for sharing and wonderful insight. I have two sons, ages 13 and 10 years old, sometimes mixing a perimenopausal women with a preteen = disaster. I am working on giving myself (and my family) the gift of kindness and cutting myself a freaking break. It's a work in progress and I take heart in knowing most days, I am doing the Best I can and the proof is in the pudding. Our boys are compassionate and kind, it's a Mitzvah. Just like you are, MarthaMartha@A Sense of Humor is Essentialhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07129428477996644401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-33528374448703934112008-07-10T13:54:00.000-04:002008-07-10T13:54:00.000-04:00Wow - this post really resonates with me. Maybe no...Wow - this post really resonates with me. Maybe not so much about the stages of development and growing up, b/c I haven't gotten there yet, but about all of the emotions tied up in showing up and being present for our children, day after day. Often, I feel guilty about needing a little bit of my own space to be able to face the day with a little one who requires so much. I mean, we worked so damn hard to get her here, and I am so incredibly grateful, and yet I feel like by getting frustrated or upset or needing to walk away for a few moments, it is somehow saying that I don't love this little girl with all of my heart and soul (which I most definitely do). I like your interpretation so much better - that it is so hard because we care so incredibly much. <BR/><BR/>Thank you for posting this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-73810052585144122132008-07-10T13:48:00.000-04:002008-07-10T13:48:00.000-04:00Great post. I am a "bad" mom sometimes, but readi...Great post. I am a "bad" mom sometimes, but reading blogs helps me realize that I just have occasions where I could be better at it. And, while you may not have ever called your three year old an a**hole, there are equivalent things. So, blogs are the great leveler, I think. The honest ones, anyway.<BR/><BR/>The part of your post that resonated with me is thinking about watching my daughter go through all the painful things that are part of growing up. I don't want her heart to be broken, but if that means that it will help her to know when she's finally met someone worthwhile, then of course it's worth it. Or, to have to deal with all the b*tchy, popular, shallow girls at school? Painful, yes. But how would she ever recognize a true friend if she didn't have anything to compare it to? I would be a different person without those experiences, I think. Sad, but true.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-30438799586330413662008-07-10T12:36:00.000-04:002008-07-10T12:36:00.000-04:00P.S. Do you ever read Judith Warner's blog in the ...P.S. Do you ever read Judith Warner's blog in the NY Times? This recent one reminded me of your post! <BR/><BR/>http://warner.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/07/03/getting-real/index.html?ref=opinionloribethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09272814565916935113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-26921900680346028062008-07-10T12:01:00.000-04:002008-07-10T12:01:00.000-04:00Beautiful post and perfect advice. When people wo...Beautiful post and perfect advice. When people worry about being good parents, my first thought is always that you are a good parent if you are worrying. Through my teaching, I saw so many bad parents and they never thought about it for a second.HereWeGoAJenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17457680345376171720noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-79386359520976749872008-07-10T11:53:00.000-04:002008-07-10T11:53:00.000-04:00Great post. I have stepparented from ages 6-17 and...Great post. I have stepparented from ages 6-17 and many things were incredibly hard. Most of the things that I found hideous have to do with parenting after divorce. But some were things like consequences. If you play sick for days to avoid the $250 basketball camp we wanted to send you to (yes, definitely pretend sick), then you are obviously MUCH too sick to go to Cape Cod with us this weekend so you will have to stay home with Grandma. That was just not a fun weekend for any of us.<BR/><BR/>A friend asked her mom what it's like to parent an adult child and do you just want to grab them and cuddle them all the time and if not, why not? And her mom said one word: adolescence. There is a natural arc to all this. Our kids will separate from us and we will sort of want to do that because they will be annoying and frustrating. This is normal and good.<BR/><BR/>My own mother gave me one bit of parenting advice before she died when I was younger. She said that she believed in raising me like a puppy. The mom does everything she can until the puppy can do it herself and then she sends her off on her own. She was big into independence, my mom. I think it's served me well. I have emotions about Beck getting bigger but mostly I am thrilled as he grows more and more able. Same for stepson.<BR/><BR/>One more. A men's magazine Wes reads said something we liked about childrearing: self-esteem is fine but self-reliance is golden. Our first one came out really confident but not so self-reliant. We hope to step that up.<BR/><BR/>This is practically a fricking blog post. Sorry. Maybe it can count for, like, 15 "Bri was here"'s.Briarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04431318790028032416noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-11663128910993674072008-07-10T11:29:00.000-04:002008-07-10T11:29:00.000-04:00Your mum's advice is brilliant. We're human, it's ...Your mum's advice is brilliant. We're human, it's gonna happen.chicklethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16090701824999372199noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-22571007705592088272008-07-10T11:15:00.000-04:002008-07-10T11:15:00.000-04:00Oh, yes. I can feel it happening already, even tho...Oh, yes. I can feel it happening already, even though BG is only 17 months old--when another child ignores her (even though that's what they DO at this age!) or when an older kid snatches away a toy, she doesn't care, but I hurt so much, because I don't want her to feel alone and rejected like I often did as a child. But I know I have to work hard at not making what happens in HER life about ME, which is the especially hard part.electricladyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13336802326230963572noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-90085408824642385272008-07-10T10:48:00.000-04:002008-07-10T10:48:00.000-04:00Long post but every bit worth it!And to add to you...Long post but every bit worth it!<BR/><BR/>And to add to your comment on blogging - yes, it does save me and is such a sounding board.Khttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10271156228029984462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-39815571781939376002008-07-10T10:26:00.000-04:002008-07-10T10:26:00.000-04:00Wow, great post. You put into words so many thing...Wow, great post. You put into words so many things that I feel as a parent. I have only truly yelled at D a few times and I immediately feel remorse and we both end up apologizing for our behaviour. Thanks again for posting.KLTTXhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05544587523337949648noreply@blogger.com