tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post3710838758558504980..comments2023-08-15T05:02:58.115-04:00Comments on Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters: Barren Advice: Twenty-FiveLollipop Goldsteinhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01020874415819057995noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-19298068401045478772009-01-23T05:39:00.000-05:002009-01-23T05:39:00.000-05:00Like Anonymous before me, I'm very grateful to hea...Like Anonymous before me, I'm very grateful to hear that I'm not the only one who has lost friends.<BR/><BR/>I was very recently dumped by a good friend. My theory is that she couldn't handle being friends with me while she is pregnant. Unfortunately, I can't try the communication advice because she cut that off too.<BR/><BR/>It stings.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-59702840443209586952009-01-22T16:27:00.000-05:002009-01-22T16:27:00.000-05:00I must say that God is good! My husband and I hav...I must say that God is good! My husband and I have Unexplained Infertility. Before I go on about how much I hate it and the jealousy and awful feelings involved I want to say thank you. Thank you for this blog. I thought I was the only one. I lost a friend a year ago. When I say that it sounds like they died. It surely felt like someone died. She will not speak to me, looks the other way if she sees me, her friend high tails it out if I am around, etc. Just plain awful. Again, thank you for this blog. And thank you God for infertility. I have learned more compassion in the last two and a half years than I could in a lifetime. I am so happy to know I am not the only one losing friends.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-12060819352594544892009-01-21T18:58:00.000-05:002009-01-21T18:58:00.000-05:00Wow... that's such an interesting theoryWow... that's such an interesting theoryAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-74014001828368702952009-01-21T17:52:00.000-05:002009-01-21T17:52:00.000-05:00You know, I'm seriously thinking about having you ...You know, I'm seriously thinking about having you run my life. I think you'd do a much better job. You have such terrific advice.Deathstarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03925549983959400448noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-44997002407740202862009-01-21T15:56:00.000-05:002009-01-21T15:56:00.000-05:00i think mel's advice is perfect, and would just ad...i think mel's advice is perfect, and would just add that she's probably getting mixed signals from across her community of bloggy friends. different bloggers had very different reactions to my pregnancy, so it may have taken some extra cajoling from the ones who really were happy for me before i shared too much, because i wasn't sure how many people wanted to be nice but secretly harbored the same feelings as some of the more outwardly not-so-happy for me types.Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01587725139301198392noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-92116694925889205372009-01-21T15:08:00.000-05:002009-01-21T15:08:00.000-05:00It's funny that this was the barren advice because...It's funny that this was the barren advice because I just went through this with my husband's cousin. <BR/><BR/>She and I have everything in common. I guess in my mind I thought we were close because we not only shared our occupation, but we were both infertiles. In my mind this should make us best friends. I automatically assumed that she would be understanding. <BR/><BR/>She and her husband decided to adopt three years ago and then again just this month. They brought home a newborn beautiful baby girl, a baby girl that would be the same age as the baby I miscarried late last March. It still stings and looking at their baby makes me long for that bond with the baby I lost. <BR/><BR/>Even though it was hard, I was still very happy for them. I knew the struggles they had gone through to get here, and with several failed adoption, they deserved to be happy. I tried to be there as much as I could for them, buying them a big baby gift, intentionally asking questions about the baby and looking at pictures of the new baby room. But once the new baby came, the emails, pictures, and comments stopped. <BR/><BR/>When I questioned her about it, she told me that her baby was a blessing and that she didn't want to feel any guilt about having her, so she took me off emails, and it was best I stop reading her blog until I can handle it. I was very hurt, especially since I never said I couldn't handle it, or expressed my feelings to her. <BR/><BR/>My advice would be to communicate, but as someone else commented, be prepared for her response to not be as gentle as you would expect. Sometimes it is hard for people to realize how their words affect others. Good luck and I hope everything works out!HaleyMarieOlsonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16420846542016394395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-2973465035745835562009-01-21T14:07:00.000-05:002009-01-21T14:07:00.000-05:00I would definitely say it could be a mix of 1 and ...I would definitely say it could be a mix of 1 and 2... I know my SIL is pregnant and knows of our struggle and she just doesn't talk to me, at all. I hope things work out for you and your friend.Jessica Whitehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06801308494220195403noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-18147134034078500362009-01-21T14:04:00.000-05:002009-01-21T14:04:00.000-05:00I think there might be another door (another sucky...I think there might be another door (another sucky door) but I noticed that my two childhood best friends became even closer when they both became parents. Suddenly, there was less time for me, not just because of the time spent raising children, but because the limited free time available was spent talking about topics I just couldn't relate to, and thus, they'd rather talk to each other. To them, I didn't understand, I didn't get it- I couldn't talk about the pains of pregnancy, or the horrors of childbirth, or whether it's better to wear your baby or to "cry it out". <BR/><BR/>That sounds petty and stupid of me (wah! there's no time for me!), but I think it falls in line with the idea that if one is going through some massive life event, they like to talk to others who can help them understand this event, that can relate to it. And, while I have had pregnant friends who went on just being themselves, I have also had pregnant friends who disappeared into a world of constant chatter about their pregnancies and their impending babies, and well, I just can't relate to any of that, and I become less valuable as a friend. I can't console her, or commiserate with her in any way. And frankly, if it's all-baby-all-the-time, *I* don't really want to hear it anyway!<BR/><BR/>So I guess what I mean, is that she could be pulling away from you because she's waited a long time to be a part of that club, and now she's in it and she wants to roll around in the fluffy warmth of that club, and thus she has less time for you. Or it could be that she is in the "I-can't-talk-about-anything-besides-pregnancy" phase, and she's trying to save your feelings by not making you subject to her constant baby talk (and thus shares it with someone else who can hear it while being excited rather than hurt). <BR/><BR/>Above all, I think the advice still stands. It's taken me a long time to get to the point where I would even try to follow this bit of advice, but: Talk to her. Tell her how you are feeling, and try to get to the root of what is going on. <BR/><BR/>I don't mean to hurt your feelings by saying so, but is it possible that you weren't as close to begin with? Is it possible that she doesn't want to be your friend generally and has used the pregnancy as an excuse to pull back? I just mean that you should prepare yourself for any number of situations, and to try to armor yourself a bit so that you aren't hurt by her responses, in the event that her actions have been intentional.katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08056463808792013011noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-52406424266450086752009-01-21T13:58:00.000-05:002009-01-21T13:58:00.000-05:00I did a version of Door #1 when I got pregnant. I...I did a version of Door #1 when I got pregnant. I still emailed and talked to my friend, but I never mentioned anything baby or pregnancy related unless she asked about it specifically.HereWeGoAJenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17457680345376171720noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-31901798194098735992009-01-21T12:29:00.000-05:002009-01-21T12:29:00.000-05:00I am thinking that she should reach out to her fri...I am thinking that she should reach out to her friend. I am with Lori... communication! <BR/><BR/>Good Luck either way!<BR/><BR/>Mel I love your blog, I wish you would have been around when I started my journey!Soralishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10134991337688208295noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-331283839980493222009-01-21T10:16:00.000-05:002009-01-21T10:16:00.000-05:00I read this and, ignoring the question and the var...I read this and, ignoring the question and the various perceptive responses, think about myself. Because, as we know, I'm all about me, me, me. <BR/><BR/>And here's the thing: I guess I don't really believe in friendship. In my cynical, twisted little mind, I'm convinced that a friend is someone who hasn't had sufficient opportunity or incentive to betray you. Yet. <BR/><BR/>And, yeah, it kinda sucks to be me. But at least my expectations are low enough that I'm seldom disappointed.niobehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10685766216611639434noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-47520247999704044692009-01-21T09:54:00.000-05:002009-01-21T09:54:00.000-05:00Mel, I am so glad to have found your site. The se...Mel, I am so glad to have found your site. The services you provide to the infertile community are truly astounding. Keep it up!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-62977917691635402512009-01-21T09:46:00.000-05:002009-01-21T09:46:00.000-05:00Mel's advise hit it just right I think. I've been...Mel's advise hit it just right I think. I've been on your side of this situation and I'll tell you it's hard to get through at times and others not so much, but we got through it.<BR/><BR/>I, now, am on the other side situation-wise, like your friend. i had that survivor guilt. And it creeps up here and there b/c the struggles of IF don't leave me. I stopped blogging as much, even coming here to be part of the community and didn't know how to approach it w/ my boardgroup online. I told them and they were supportive and understood and it helped me understand I can still be a support to the ones still waiting and enjoy my pg.<BR/><BR/>Talk to her, as Mel said, friendships can endure anything and when they aren't strong enough at the moment they find a way of coming back together...Soo.See..https://www.blogger.com/profile/04969000907987180670noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-4098784512301924722009-01-21T08:43:00.000-05:002009-01-21T08:43:00.000-05:00Lori's right...it could be door #3. Anyway, the a...Lori's right...it could be door #3. Anyway, the advice is fabulous!Kristinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10791317184998122691noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-71485540679107053632009-01-21T01:14:00.000-05:002009-01-21T01:14:00.000-05:00Having been in this situation multiple times, I wi...Having been in this situation multiple times, I will admit that there are friends that I have been 100% happy for and have not begrudged at all. I have joyfully purchased baby presents, listened to extensive pregnancy and baby talk, even flown out to spend a week helping to care for babies. It really is possible for a still-infertile to be truly happy for a pregnant infertile.<BR/><BR/>There have also been friends that I have been less than 100% happy for (ranging from 99% to 1%) and that I begrudged for not working hard enough to achieve pregnancy, not "deserving" it, not being likely to be a good parent, etc.<BR/><BR/>The funniest part is that one particular very close friend is in both categories, one for each pregnancy.<BR/><BR/>So communicate, yes, but be prepared to move among the different doors as circumstances and moods change.<BR/><BR/>Oh, and Mel, there are other reasons not to join Facebook. I'd actually love to look back, but I'm less keen on looking into the present at all of the bumps and babies that my cohort is sure to have. And I'm even less eager to field their inevitable questions about my absent babies or bump (not counting the extra padding around the middle courtesy of IVF meds). This is the same reason that I attended my 10 year high school reunion but not 15 year. Wholly undecided about the upcoming 20 year elementary/middle school reunion.Baby Smiling In Back Seathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06483533946303787478noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-30259745.post-33140312920473461212009-01-20T23:45:00.000-05:002009-01-20T23:45:00.000-05:00Door #3 occurred to me.We tend to think of others'...Door #3 occurred to me.<BR/><BR/>We tend to think of others' reactions in terms of our own reactions.<BR/><BR/>She may simply be projecting on to you how she would deal with the situation if the roles were reversed. She may be afraid that she would push you away if your ovaries triumphed and hers didn't.<BR/><BR/>So Barren Sharon's advice holds: communicate.<BR/><BR/>I sure hope it's not Door #2.Lori Lavender Luzhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15394441222262940632noreply@blogger.com